Do you have suggestions for not being overly rigid?

Last updated on: April 9, 2010 at 7:29 am by Natasha Helfer

Do you have suggestions for not being overly rigid? 2010-04-09T07:29:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Natasha, I appreciate your point. Do you have suggestions for doing that–specifically, protecting our children and teens from stuff that might hurt them, without being overly rigid? That’s something my wife and I are constantly worrying about/discussing/working on and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

This is a great question where the main response entails balance. Not allowing the pendulum to swing too far in either direction.

First, I’d like to discuss what exactly do we want to protect our children from? I believe most LDS parents will want to teach sexual guidelines in a way that protects their children as much as possible from addiction, premarital sexual experiences and immorality in general. However, it is just as important to teach sexual guidelines in a way that protects and keeps their sexuality intact. In other words, I see almost as many people in my practice who are dealing with frigidity or anxiety when it comes to sex as I do who are dealing with compulsivity. When a topic is presented in an overbearing, fixating, scary or anxiety-producing manner, it usually has one of two effects on the human brain: 1. it draws a person closer to it out of curiosity and compulsion (compulsion comes from intrusive and anxious thoughts), or 2. it causes a person to avoid, repress or reject the subject completely. Both of these responses are rooted in fear and shame. In our anxiety as parents to teach our children correct principles regarding sex, we want to avoid the concepts of fear and shame like the plague.

Take the subject of ballroom dance, for instance, that came up on the Mormon Mommy Blogs. People have been swaying, gyrating, and shaking a tail feather to music since the beginning of time. Depending on the culture, this has been done in full-dress gowns & tuxedos, hula skirts,
costume, sequins, topless, barefoot, in high-heeled shoes, etc. People have danced to music that ranges from the waltz and foxtrot, to salsa and tango, to the beat of an African or Native American drum. Usually, at all different times of the human story, dance has been met with shock and resistance from the religiously conservative. Dances we find completely appropriate today would have been considered shocking, offensive and sexually explicit at one time or another. I was lucky enough to have been involved with the BYU ballroom dance competitions and UVSC ballroom dance team so this medium of human expression holds a special place in my heart. I watch Dancing with the Stars with my daughter and we have a great time together doing so. At times, outfits are inappropriate. At times, dance moves are inappropriate. At times music lyrics or jokes are inappropriate. These are all things she is faced with every single day in the world we live in. We get to discuss these things in a pretty safe environment- our home. I get a better view on where she stands on these subjects. It gives us an opportunity to talk in an open, frank discussion about sexual and body image issues (i.e. why is that dress immodest? why is modesty important? what does modesty mean?). It gives us an opportunity to discuss how people have different views and ideas of what is appropriate. It allows us to discuss that although someone may be dressed or doing something we don’t agree with, they can still be a friendly, loving and good person. Along with all of this, it also gives us an opportunity to discuss A LOT of other things: fashion, athleticism, the beauty of dance, the power and fun of music, what it must be like to attempt to do something you’ve never done before, how people deal with anxiety and high emotion, how people problem-solve, the power of practice, performance anxiety, etc. It gives me an opportunity to be engaged with my daughter in something that can be deemed sensual in nature (dance) without it meaning that something sexual is lurking around the corner. It gives us a sense of mutual trust that we can discuss these issues without the issues taking over. It gives me an opportunity to help her develop tolerance for things of a sexual nature without it causing anxiety, fear or it having to define her. It gives me an opportunity to show her that women can love their bodies, can embrace their inner sensuality, can move to a rhythm without this translating to immorality or inner shame. And though my boys are not into watching ballroom dance, they too get a sense of the aura of our conversations – making it easier to discuss these same things in a different format at a different time.

I am very willing to admit that I am scared of what my daughter faces before she gets married. I am scared that she might go “too far” with a boy, or even with a girl with the current fad of female same-sex experimentation. I am scared that she might be taken advantage of. I am scared that she won’t know how to control her sexual urges or feelings. I am scared that she will feel like she needs to dress in a way that shows off her physical assets to get attention. I am scared that she will dress in a way to purposely hide her femininity because she does NOT want to draw attention to herself. I am scared that she won’t know how to say “No” even if she wants to. I’ll likely be scared of these things for somewhere between 10-15 years (from puberty until she marries). However, I am equally scared – in fact, petrified – that she will not go far ENOUGH with her husband. I could be scared of this for hopefully the 50+ years they will be married in this world. I am scared that she won’t love her body enough to share it fully with him. I am scared that my religious teachings will somehow equate sex with “bad behavior” causing feelings of sexual discomfort. I am scared of the hang-ups this might create in her willingness to be intimate with the man she chooses to love. I am scared that she won’t enjoy sex. I am scared that she will not be comfortable showing off her physical assets to him. I am scared she won’t experience orgasm or that she will feel guilty or uncomfortable if she does. I am scared that she will see sex as a chore. I am scared that she will cringe from her husband’s touch instead of welcome it. I am scared she won’t have the sexual language she will need to communicate with her husband. I am scared she won’t initiate sex when she wants to. I am scared she won’t know how to feel sexy or desirable.

I want to make sure that my teachings, as best as I am able, address both sides of my fears (not just the pre-marital ones). I am by no means saying that everyone should start watching Dancing with the Stars. Some people will find this show inappropriate and not be comfortable allowing it in their homes. Some people think it’s boring. I respect that. However, I ask in return for similar respect for my position and teaching style. There are many other opportunities to have a similar discussion and overall attitude with our children. How do we enjoy and embrace the artistic and sensual culture of our human race – which includes such things as nude art in a museum, Olympic ice dance, literature/poetry that discusses romance/love, ballet, gymnastics, etc. – while at the same time teaching correct sexual principles? This is a question all parents should discuss at length with each other and that we should spend individual time pondering as well. Make a list of all of the fears you have for your children – both premarital and post-marital.

Ultimately, teaching our children about sex should be about teaching them about happiness. The plan of happiness is exactly that: a plan of HAPPINESS. Not a plan of shame, guilt or fear. Our teachings need to account for the overriding principle that our Heavenly Parents want us to be HAPPY. Our sexuality, our sensuality and our body image are meant to be an integral part of why we are here, and the happiness we can achieve in this world and onward. It is through our bodies that families are created. What can be more powerful than that?! Creating a family is a privilege and a miracle. Sex is part of that miracle. Becoming one with the person we have chosen as an eternal partner is a miracle! It is a miraculous process that the female and male bodies can physically fit together in the perfect symbol of emotional and spiritual union. It is a miraculous process that as we allow ourselves the most vulnerable stance of all – that of orgasm, where we are naked with the one we love and where we lose all control of our faculties for a brief moment in time – our physical bodies are equipped to respond in pure pleasure. Are we teaching our children these marital principles as often, if not more often, than the warnings we dole out regarding premarital guidelines? When we share warnings, are we educating them as to why these warnings are in place? Are we using correct, frank and applicable language? Or are we explaining things with a shroud of mystery and secrecy that can leave children confused and making false assumptions? Are we comfortable with our own sexuality? How can we teach our children to do or be something we are not ourselves? If married, are we providing an ambiance where children can sense that their parents are comfortable being intimate, affectionate and loving? Are we orgasmic? Do we give thanks to our God for this immense capacity our bodies hold? We give so many nonverbal clues to our children that they will pick up on regarding our own level of comfort with the sexual part of the plan of happiness. Ultimately, the best thing we can do in partnership to teaching correct principles – is living them ourselves.

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