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Should I call my marriage off due to alcoholism?

Should I call my marriage off due to alcoholism?

Last updated on: March 19, 2010 at 12:14 pm by Natasha Helfer

Should I call my marriage off due to alcoholism? 2010-03-19T12:14:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I hope you can help me. I’m at a point in my marriage where I need to know if I should call the whole thing off. I’ve been married 12 years to a man who has addiction issues. When I married him, we were both inactive, he was an alcoholic. After 3 years of this I was ready to move on, which turned my husband around and he quit “cold-turkey” and we started attending church again and even were sealed in the temple. Three years later, my husband started taking muscle relaxers and since then it’s been one drug after another. He’s been hospitalized twice (I should have taken him in many more times), he’s had a DUI, he’s hit another car, and I can go on and on. He’s been in counseling twice but has quit because of some reason or another. I am also going to counseling and have learned a lot regarding the nature of addiction. I had him move out of the house over 6 months ago intent for a divorce. He didn’t want our family to be dissolved and he’s been meeting with his new bishop every week, and last week he attended the temple for the first time in years. He’s been pressuring me to have him return home. Throughout this whole ordeal I have told him that for him to return home I need to see him in a program, and finally (after this 6 months) his bishop is inquiring about some programs. He’s still taking Percocet and has told me that his doctor told him that he still is in need for more surgery (he does have a very bad foot).
This is causing me great anxiety and don’t know what to do. I have ZERO trust in him. His bishop is telling him that he needs to be home so we can work on our relationship, and that us being apart will only separate us more. Plus, two months ago, my husband opened a separate checking account where he is having his checks deposited (I’m a stay at home mother, and make some money from piano lessons). When I found out about this separate account I became very angry so he stated that he would be depositing his whole check into our joint account, but now he is only giving me enough to pay the bills and buy food, but if I want the whole check I need to have him home.
After all this I still love him and don’t want to hurt him and he seems very sincere to come home. I am also afraid of the reality that he might commit suicide (he suffers from depression and has tried and talked about it in the past). Every time I am ready to leave him, I talk to him and I want things to work out. I feel like I am going crazy and have been praying and attending the temple. I felt like I received an answer in the temple last week to dissolve the marriage but then I talked to my husband and he seemed sincere on trying to make our marriage work and I’m second guessing the feelings I had. I don’t know what to do….we are going to marriage counseling, but it’s hard to communicate all that I want with him when we meet together and it’s only an hour meeting once a week.

You definitely describe a very difficult and treacherous journey – one that is common among loved ones of those dealing with addictive behaviors. Addiction is a difficult problem for us to understand. Most of what we know about addiction can seem to go against our LDS beliefs regarding “free agency.” Unfortunately, addictive behavior does rob us of our ability to engage in the agency we’ve been given- making “willpower” a mute point. The chemistry happening inside an “addicted” brain differs dramatically from a “normal” brain (see article reference below). Therefore, those of us who do not have an addiction have expectations that are frankly unrealistic. “Why can’t you just stop?” “Just say no.” “Just don’t do it anymore.” “If you loved me you would stop.” Relapse is almost always part of a recovery process. This is because change is exactly that: a process. None of us experience perfection attempting change. Much less so when there is a chronic disease such as addiction in force.

I see the following as strengths in your situation:

It sounds like your husband recognizes he has a problem and is getting help.
He has had bouts of sobriety in the past.
You are engaging in both individual and marital therapy.
Your bishop is involved as a source of accountability for your husband.
You are relying on your relationship with God through temple attendance and prayer – these are important forms of self-care.
You have set boundaries and specific expectations.

As far as whether or not to end your marriage, you and your husband are the only ones who can make this decision. However, here are some thoughts that you will hopefully find helpful:

You describe a lot of confusion. This is normal. You are being faced with extremely difficult decisions that will have a huge impact on your family. There are no easy answers. There are pros and cons regardless if you get a divorce or stay married. Give yourself a break. Realize that there is no need to rush or make quick decisions. Realize that you may have regrets with either decision. But trust that you will do the best you know how to do.
You have every right to set appropriate boundaries for your life and the life of your children (i.e. a separation contingent on legitimate requests of seeking treatment, individual/marital therapy, etc., etc.). Being apart through a formal separation can actually be a healthy part of regaining trust for some couples (see book reference below).
When a person is in a relationship where inappropriate behaviors are chronic and constant – where trust has repeatedly been breached – that person has the right to terminate the marriage. Marriage is a contract where two parties are responsible to keep their end of a bargain. Heavenly Father does not expect us to keep a contract that is repeatedly broken. This many times crosses the line into abusive behavior – and none of us are expected to stay and withstand abuse.
Having said that, many people do choose to stay with a spouse that struggles with addictive behavior. This happens for a variety of legitimate reasons (i.e not wanting to break up the family, guilt, love, financial issues, co-dependency, etc.). There are both healthy and unhealthy ways of going about this. Some things that are important for a spouse of an addict to understand are: 1. addiction is not a personal attack against you, 2. you cannot do the recovery work FOR your spouse, 3. relapse will more than likely occur, 4. honesty and accountability are vital to the process- how do you work together to create an environment that fosters this?, 5. your self-care is vital, and 6. well-meaning family members and friends will not always give great advice (you have to do what you believe to be correct, not what everybody else thinks you should do).
At some point, if you want the marriage to work, you will have to move back in with each other. It is important to not have unrealistic expectations when this happens. In other words, at some point trust will be breached again in some way or fashion (as it does for most couples in some shape or form). This does not automatically mean that it was a mistake to take him back or that you are off the road to recovery as a family. There will be normal ups and downs. What you want to look for are trends – What is generally happening? Are relapses becoming less frequent? Is honesty more likely especially when difficult? Is accountability present? Trust is a difficult thing to regain. It takes ongoing, constant behaviors to facilitate this process. But we cannot expect perfection from the other in order for trust to be present. Trust grows in steps. A good example is “I cannot yet trust that there won’t be a relapse, but I can trust that if a relapse occurs my spouse will address it with me and we will take steps A, B or C that we previously agreed upon.”
I would not want you to make the decision regarding your husband coming home to be based on financial pressure. It is a red flag to me that he chose to make financial decisions that did not include a conversation with you and that were not made jointly. Working through your financial issues in a setting such as therapy might be a useful first step towards regaining trust. How he acts and approaches you when working through this important part of your lives should give you insight as to whether or not you are heading in the right direction.
It is common for addicts to give up one addiction and replace it with another. This is because they lack coping skills to deal with anxiety, depression and withdrawal symptoms. I’m not sure I have enough information regarding his use of pain meds to make much comment. Some people, due to chronic pain issues, do rely on some sort of pain medication on a long-term basis. However, it is paramount that this be done so with the oversight of a physician and with a legal prescription. If you decide to stay married, or even as part of a co-parenting agreement, I would encourage you to be present during part of his doctor’s appointments. This would help you build a relationship with the physician where you can bring up addiction concerns related to the use of narcotics, it would help the accountability your husband is subject to, and it would help the process of trust your husband is working to mend.
As far as depression and suicidal thoughts- it is normal for addicts to experience depression. Addiction IS depressing. It can feel overwhelming. It usually has caused huge regrets and sadness in one’s life. It will be important for you, however, to remain calm during his expression of his depressive or suicidal thoughts and feelings. In other words, you being scared that he might kill himself if you leave is not a good reason to stay married. You can listen, you can empathize (i.e. “I know this must be very difficult for you,” “I can see why you might feel that way.”), you can voice your concerns (i.e. “It worries me when you speak like this. Do you want to get some help?”), you can even call 911 and let the police know that you believe your husband is a danger to himself. However, the ultimate reality is that if he makes this awful choice: it is NOT your responsibility.
It sounds like you knew your husband was an alcoholic before you married him. I would encourage you, if you haven’t already, to do some personal work addressing why you made this decision. If you do not address your part in how you come to find yourself in your current situation, it will be more likely that you will find yourself in a similar situation again (i.e marrying another addict and repeating similar patterns of attraction and reaction).
People who are successful in achieving sobriety from an addiction are usually involved in some type of group therapy (i.e. AA, NA, the church’s addiction recovery program or some other more formal inpatient/outpatient clinical setting). Again, those who are successful do this on a long-term basis – years and years into their sobriety. Whether or not your husband is willing to seek this type of help will also offer you insight as to what his commitment level is towards recovery and rebuilding trust. As far as individual therapy, I hope he is seeing someone who specializes in addiction.
Alcoholism is usually referred to as a “family disease” because its harming influence is much farther reaching than at the individual level. Many spouses/family members find it useful to be part of a group therapy process as well. Al-Anon is a good example. I encourage not only marital and individual therapy, but family therapy as well that includes the children.
If you feel like you are in crisis and at a pivotal point in therapy, it is perfectly reasonable to request more frequent sessions. This usually does not need to happen for a long period of time but can be beneficial in certain situations where there is chaos, uncertainty, and anxiety not being easily resolved.

I wish you the very best as you work through these important and difficult decisions you are currently facing. I know the fog can seem dense and hard to navigate through. However, I do believe the light of the gospel and the love of God will penetrate – maybe in ways you may currently not see as possible. May the Lord bless you and your family.

Other Resources:

Article:

The Disease Concept by the National Institute of Chemical Dependency

Book:

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

Article:

Change through Recovery from Addictions

by James E Faust

“Another kind of change I wish to address is recovery from enslaving habits. They include disorders associated with alcohol, drugs, tobacco, eating, gambling, unworthy sexual behavior, and viewing pornography. I quote from a recently published book on debilitating addictions: “Substance abuse is a leading cause of preventable illness and death in the United States. The misuse of drugs ruins families, costs billions in lost productivity, strains the healthcare system, and ends lives.”4 It is a curse on society.

There are many kinds of addictions, and it is difficult for someone who has one of these serious addictions to change because some of them are mind-altering. A recent article on addiction said, “In the brains of addicts, there is reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, where rational thought can override impulse behavior.”5 Some addictions can control us to the point where they take away our God-given agency. One of Satan’s great tools is to find ways to control us. Consequently, we should abstain from anything that would keep us from fulfilling the Lord’s purposes for us, whereby the blessings of eternity may hang in jeopardy. We are in this life for the spirit to gain control over the body rather than the other way around.

Any kind of addiction inflicts a terrible price in pain and suffering, and it can even affect us spiritually. However, there is hope because most addictions can over time be overcome. We can change, but it will be difficult.

We begin by making a decision to change. It takes courage and humility to admit that we need help, but few, if any of us, can do it on our own. The Church has an addiction recovery program that has been adapted from the original Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into a framework of the doctrines and beliefs of the Church. These 12 steps are found in A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, which is available to priesthood leaders and other members.

A complete change in lifestyle may be necessary. We must desire with all our hearts, minds, and strength to overcome these harmful addictions. We must be prepared to renounce totally and absolutely our participation in any of these addictive substances or practices.”

Articles:

Addiction and the Brain’s Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower

Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family

Tetyana Parsons

Alcoholism is also known as a family disease. Alcoholics may have young, teenage, or grown-up children; they have wives or husbands; they have brothers or sisters; they have parents or other relatives. An alcoholic can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that can last a lifetime. According to U. S. Department of Health and Human Services and SAMHSA’s (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, seventy six million American adults have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. Alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause. According to Silverstein (1990), one of every four families has problems with alcohol.

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