FYI: Sexual Tips

Last updated on: March 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm by Natasha Helfer

FYI: Sexual Tips 2010-03-09T12:15:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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One thing I hear both men and women complain of often regarding their sexual lifestyle is how long a man is able to last before climax. This is a common issue since it usually takes longer for a woman to achieve climax than it does a man. Unfortunately, due to misinformation and anxiety, this issue can quickly spiral into deeper seeded problems such as low self-esteem, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, resentment between the couple, etc.

I want to share some techniques that can be useful for men:

Make sure to take the time for foreplay. Since the woman usually takes longer to warm up and become lubricated – wait before you start the act of intercourse. Use this time to kiss, caress, touch, and verbalize your thoughts. See if and where your wife enjoys manual stimulation of both her genitalia and her breasts. Learn what she enjoys and what helps her get physically excited. If you begin intercourse with your wife already feeling warmed up, it will not take as long for her to reach climax. On a side note- some women do not reach orgasm through intercourse. If this is the case, then it will be important to communicate as to how both can achieve climax in a way that is fun and fulfilling for both.
Wearing a condom can sometimes help since condoms can have an effect on penile sensitivity.
The longer a man (or woman for that matter) goes without sex, usually the drive is stronger and climax will happen more quickly. Therefore, I sometimes recommend the following: plan a romantic evening where the focus will be on pleasuring the wife and helping her reach climax and have a “quickie” earlier in the day so the husband is at a lower level of drive. I like to refer to “lovie quickies” because they are only helpful if they are given as a loving gift (usually it is the woman giving this type of sexual release to her husband but not always). If the spouse who is offering this type of release does so feeling resentful it will not be helpful for either one and then I don’t recommend it.
Men can begin to recognize what the premonitory sensation feels like. This is the feeling a man gets right before reaching the “point of no return” or the moment of inevitability. Dr. Ruth Westheimer states in Sex for Dummies, “Each man has a certain threshold of pleasure; after he crosses it, he can’t stop his orgasm. But, right before he reaches that point, if he so desires, he can cool the fires and not ejaculate. And if he wants to abandon his status as premature ejaculator, he must learn to identify this sensation.” It is important to include your wife in this process so that she can help you and understand what it is you are trying to do. You can start with the start-stop technique. You do this by slowly increasing your level of arousal, stopping, allowing yourself to calm down, and then increase arousal again. If you are engaging in intercourse, stop, withdraw your penis, continue with kisses and caresses and once you feel in control, continue with intercourse. You can do this as many times as needed and you will get better at it over time.
There is also the Masters and Johnson squeeze technique which involves stopping intercourse or any stimulation to the penis and having the wife gently squeeze the frenum (the strip of skin connecting the glans to the shaft on the underside of the penis) until the man loses his urge to ejaculate. This technique is not as commonly used as the start-stop technique but can prove useful to many couples.
Again, remind yourselves that there are other ways to achieve orgasm than just through intercourse. And there is value to any sexual encounter even if orgasm is not achieved. As long as both partners feel that their needs are being met and respected, the sexual lifestyle between husband and wife can vary widely.
Always remain open to consulting with a doctor or therapist if problems persist.

Remember to be patient with yourselves. The sexual journey of becoming well-known lovers is exactly that – a journey. It will take time, communication and loving respect to achieve your sexual potential as a couple. The wonderful thing is it’s a journey with no end. We can always continue to grow in our ability to please, understand and give of ourselves to this other being we call spouse.

Website that might be useful from a Christian perspective:

The Marriage Bed

Poem by Wendy Lee:

SEX HAS A WAY

Sex has a way of softening limbs,

oiling joints and melding hearts.

We burrow in closer

wrapping arms and legs over and under each other.

Earthy blanket of sleep covers us

two bodies releasing one breath.

Finding home,

coiled and tucked in each other’s sweat.

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