Is my marriage a hopeless situation?

Last updated on: February 23, 2010 at 7:00 am by Natasha Helfer

Is my marriage a hopeless situation? 2010-02-23T07:00:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am in dire need of help. My husband and I married 8 months ago and it has been the hardest 8 months of my life. First off his laid back personality changed to yelling all the time at me for a plethora of reasons. Mainly our sex life and his frustration that I wasn’t enjoying it the way he thought I should. With the help of great books we overcame that but it took a few months and a lot of him breaking me down with the yelling. Then he never got a job while he was in school (mind you he was only going 12 hours doing his general ed requirements for his program) or even the two months before school, which left me being the only thing to support us, leaving finances very tight. During all of his extra time he never helped around the house, with cleaning, laundry, dinner, or grocery shopping. Then I found porn on the computer. Lots of it and he denied it was him. A few months later I found it again and refused to believe it just got there on it’s own. Finally he fessed up. The only reason he went to the bishop was because I told him that it was the only way we could get through this. The bishop gave us some tips, you know download software to block porn and attend a class for addicts which he hated and refused to go back to. Of course before he went to his he yelled at me that I had to go to the class for families of addicts and while I would have been happy to go I worked on the only night it was offered, but he told me that it was my “responsibility.” He never really did much repenting except meeting with the bishop and walking around feeling sorry for himself and telling me how hard this is for him. He’s finally got a job for the second semester of school, but he only works about 4 to 8 hours a week. Whereas I am going to school 9 hours a week and work 38 hours a week. To top it off I asked him about his grades from the first semester of school and he never gave me a direct answer except to say, “I think I got mostly B’s.” Well just a few weeks ago I broke into his online school account and found out that he got 2 B’s, 1 C, and 1 F. Then when I asked him about his school schedule this semester he told me but when I looked online I found that he’s also enrolled in the class which he got an F in. He still hasn’t signed up for the math class that he really needs nor has he done anything to begin getting into the program he has planned on, which is at another school, after I called the school and told him that he needed to start applying if wants to get in by the date he had planned. Also when I finally got his credit card paid down he ended up putting another 500 dollars on it. Mind you that’s not because he told me it’s because I found out. He spends probably 60-70 percent of his time on his computer playing games. Spending 2,000 dollars of my money on a new computer, new monitor, new games and other new things for it. The list goes on and on.

Before saying yes to my husband when he proposed I prayed about it long and hard and felt with 100% certainty that this was the right choice. It’s so hard not to feel angry at the Lord. But I don’t know what to do. I can’t make my husband provide for me and I can’t start a family until I know he can. My parents are divorced and I am the only member in my family. I was so glad for the opportunity to share with them the blessings of being a member, of being sealed in the temple, but I have nothing to show for it. Is this a hopeless situation?

The first and foremost thing I want to say to you and anyone in your type of situation, is that “enduring to the end” does NOT mean enduring through and putting up with abusive behavior from a spouse. Abuse can take many shapes and forms that do not include physical violence. Abusive behavior nullifies a marital contract. The abuser has not lived up to their end of the bargain. Therefore, the contract is already broken. If you want to stay in your marriage you most definitely have that choice and you may have legitimate reasons for doing so – but please do not stay out of inappropriate guilt for going back on vows that have already been broken.

These are the types of abusive behavior I identify in your situation:

Financial: Making major financial decisions without the consent of the spouse and/or running up unnecessary debt without a spouse’s knowledge falls under abusive behavior. Not being willing to take part of equally-yoked income production also raises a red flag (an obvious exception to this is the case of a stay-at-home parent who is of major value to the household through a variety of roles within the home). Keep in mind that most states now have a 50/50 policy when it comes to dividing both assets and debts in a divorce. Therefore, it does not matter if it was only your husband who racked up $50,000 in debt (not a difficult thing to do these days). You will be held responsible for half that amount and your credit will be adversely affected for years to come.
Yelling: Your husband may not be using his hands to physically hurt you, but words can be just as damaging – especially if stated in a way that include intimidation, anger, blame, criticism, and unnecessary volume.
Taking Advantage Of: Not being willing to take part in an equality of the many responsibilities of managing a household – from simple chores, to employment, to study, etc. When the share of responsibility is obviously skewed, then it is not a healthy situation.
Dishonesty: Lying, secrecy, sneaking around and not taking responsibility for actions taken is a form of abuse.
Addiction: Although addiction is usually part of mental illness – this does not minimize that the consequences of addictive behavior on a spouse/family are hugely detrimental. You describe several areas where your husband is struggling with what seems to be an addictive personality: finances, pornography, computer gaming, anger, etc. Recovery from addiction is usually a long and difficult process. Many brave individuals attempt and are successful in achieving recovery by turning their lives around through hard work, taking personal responsibility, and developing personal insight. However, the road to recovery usually includes several stages of relapse, struggle and ruined or damaged relationships. If you stay in this relationship, you can know that change is possible – but it will more than likely be a long road with much heartache, disappointment and no guarantees. Addiction usually masks other diagnoses such as clinical depression or anxiety disorders. None of this helps your husband’s self-esteem or self-worth. A very simple way of dealing with feelings of worthlessness is to make others feel equally worthless. Then at least things are equal.
Sexual: Approaching this very intimate and sacred part of your relationship in a blaming, critical and attacking manner is abusive.
Dominance: The fact that you are left feeling “broken down” is abusive.
Blame: Avoiding personal responsibility by placing blame elsewhere, such as the spouse, is abusive.

Until your husband is willing to accept these behaviors as abusive and take the responsibility for his actions, he is actually not personally prepared for a marital relationship. If you are not able to stand up for yourself and create appropriate boundaries, you run the risk of becoming codependent, and also not being personally prepared for a marital relationship. By allowing this type of behavior to continue you not only not help yourself, you also do not help him.

No situation is “hopeless.” Whether you stay or go, you will have learned valuable lessons that for whatever reason, will enhance your personal growth. You report coming from a broken home yourself. Here are some thoughts as to the insight you may want to consider from your own vantage point:

How did the patterns I saw in my family of origin affect me?
What unhealthy patterns am I repeating?
Why is it that I was attracted to the type of man that would treat me and our marriage in the ways I describe above?
Why am I putting up with this type of behavior?
Why am I willing to take on the role of the “responsible” one alone?
What are my hopes and expectations for change? How realistic are these hopes and expectations?
Am I comfortable being a victim? Is there something safe in that role for me?
Does being the “good” person in a relationship with a “bad” person help me feel better about myself in some way?

If you leave this marriage without asking yourself and working through these types of questions, it will be more likely that your next relationship will have similar problems and issues.

Here are some thoughts as to where you can go from here:

I am glad to hear that you are not planning on getting pregnant at this time. Starting a family with such a shaky and problematic foundation will not be a healthy step for any of you. And you will feel more pressure to stay in an unhealthy situation because now a child is involved. However, it is important to remember that anytime you have sex (even protected in the various birth controls available) you are taking the chance you will end up pregnant.
Setting appropriate boundaries will be paramount to your success. It is perfectly appropriate for you to firmly, yet calmly, set expectations and parameters for your relationship from here on out. Part of this will include coming up with a viable plan you are comfortable with. Do you want to set these boundaries while under the same roof, or do you want to separate? Do you have a place to go if you decide to separate or would he have to go? Are you able to take over your finances by opening a separate account only in your name? Here is an example of some of the boundaries you could set: “Getting married to you was one of the happiest moments of my life and I love you. You have many wonderful qualities and strengths that I fell in love with. However, the events that have occurred in the past 8 months have not come close to meeting the expectations I have of what I want our life together to look like. It is not acceptable that I am the primary bread winner along with the fact that I am also a student and the primary home manager. This is not an equitable way to manage our household. It is not acceptable that you have made major financial decisions behind my back. It is not acceptable that you have lied to me about pornography viewing and your grades/studies. It is not acceptable that you communicate by yelling at me and placing blame on me for things that are not my responsibility. I am seriously considering leaving this marriage. In fact, I am going to move out for a certain period of time (3 months for instance) – (or I want you to move out by this date). I plan to separate our finances because I do not trust your spending habits and I will not accrue more unnecessary debt that puts my credit rating at risk. During this time of separation, I would like the following to happen: marital therapy for the two of us, individual therapy for you to deal with anger and addiction issues, I will go to individual therapy for my own issues regarding possible codependency issues, regular meetings with our bishop to address our spiritual relationship, certain changes in your day-to-day behavior (i.e. amount of time working, grades, gaming time, etc.). Even though your behavior has been unacceptable, I am still willing to try and work this out. I will know that you are willing to fight for me and our marriage, if you agree to these conditions which I believe to be reasonable. If you don’t agree then I will know that we have differing expectations that are irreconcilable.” This example assumes you still want to work on this relationship. You also have the right to just get out without this separation process. This is your decision.
Many times when abusers are confronted, they can become physically violent or aggressive. I don’t have enough information from you to assess whether or not this might be the case for you. However, if you feel unsafe in any shape or form, I would recommend that you have a safety plan in place. Do you have an extra set of keys stored somewhere safe, is there somewhere you could stay for a few days, do you have some clothes packed and ready to go, do you have some cash on hand, etc. ? When abusers feel they are “losing control,” they can become desperate, experience an increased surge of anxiety and act in ways they wouldn’t normally. You may want to find a neutral or public place to have this conversation (i.e. a bishop’s or therapist’s office, a restaurant, etc.). Be prepared to take safety measures such as changing locks, freezing financial accounts, even taking out a restraining order if the situation becomes unsafe.
I highly recommend that you begin individual therapy regardless of how you decide to move forward. This process should help you define and set appropriate boundaries and how to assert them in a way that does not leave you angry or bitter. It will also help you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses highlighted by this situation.
If you do decide to leave the marriage you may consider looking into the process of annulment vs. divorce. I know that even temple marriages have been annulled. This may be psychologically helpful in finding closure.

If you have any hope in changing the future of this relationship, much will depend on the strength of your conviction of wanting and deserving better. If you continue to allow the abusive behavior to take place, you are in essence giving the message, “this is OK with me.” There is no consequence.

As far as your relationship with Heavenly Father – I can understand why you may feel anger for receiving an answer you feel had no merit. There are no easy answers. There are so many possibilities and doubts that can ensue from these feelings. However, in the end, I believe you can wholeheartedly trust in the reality that however this story ends, you will have emerged a stronger, better and more savvy individual. You will have lived experiences, found solutions and relied on your own personal strength. There is no way to know how these valuable lessons will affect your future and the future of your unborn children. May these thoughts help buoy you up in a time of great difficulty, stress and sadness.

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