I have vaginismus and my husband doesn’t seem interested in sex…

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm by Natasha Helfer

I have vaginismus and my husband doesn’t seem interested in sex… 2012-10-14T22:45:16-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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My husband and I have been married for almost four months. I have a condition called vaginismus, which means my pelvic floor muscles clamp down and my husband and I are physically unable to have intercourse. Although we knew that this was somewhat inevitable (due to failed gynecological exams as well as a previous, ill-conceived attempt at intercourse with a former boyfriend) I have still been completely devastated. However, we are seeking treatment, and while this unfortunate fact pertains to my question, my actual reason for writing to you is somewhat different. Before we married, my husband and I were able to easily talk about sex. Sometimes I was concerned that he rarely demonstrated much passion for me, but I chalked that concern up to my former experience with a more aggressive man and my husband’s desire to keep our covenants. I thought once we were married that he would feel able to express his desire for me. However, now that we have been married in the temple, I feel like that has not happened. When we do have sexual encounters (not actual sex, unfortunately), we almost always both orgasm and he expresses his enjoyment of me and of intimacy. But he never, ever initiates sexual activity. I feel like our roles have been reversed, and I’m one of the men who so commonly write to you expressing dismay over their wife’s lack of desire. I am sad when I always have to be the one initiating sexual contact, and even more sad when I am gently rejected, which seems to happen very often. My husband usually rejects making out, as well. I don’t know what to do. He swears that it isn’t this way, but I can’t help but feel like if I didn’t have vaginismus and we could have normal intercourse that this wouldn’t be a problem. I feel unattractive and useless when he rejects me. We have “sex” about once a week, on average, which is always initiated by me. I would love for it to be more. My husband says that it isn’t so much a lack of desire for me, but that it’s more a kind of inertia and nervousness. He’d rather watch a movie and cuddle than launch into what is, for him, a stressful experience, even though he enjoys it. What should I do? My husband and I can talk about this to a point, but it’s difficult for me to not let me feelings of rejection and unattractiveness show, which only makes him less interested. Are my expectations too high? I want to be sensitive to my husband’s hang-ups, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve never, ever heard of a wife being the higher desire spouse, although I know it must happen to more women than just me. How do I help my husband work through his own hang-ups (whatever they are… he was not raised in an introspective family) while still trying to work through vaginismus and help us to keep a healthy intimacy? This has been the major conflict of our marriage so far, and I’m really scared. I’ve spent my life looking forward to the sexual relationship I would eventually have with my spouse. Now, between vaginismus and my husband’s reluctance, I feel that I’ve been cheated out of that dream and I don’t know what to do. Thank you, Natasha, for all you do. This is the second time I have posted a question on this wonderful blog, which has prompted me to send in a donation.

I posted the above question regarding my husband’s low sexual desire and my vaginismus. Having had some time to think about it, I would like to clarify a few things:

1. I am married to a funny, sweet, loving, wonderful man who respects and uplifts me constantly which, ironically, is part of what makes this issue so hard. I love my husband and feel a great desire for him which is not always matched.
2. That is not to say that I have a sexless marriage. My husband and I have sex about once a week, and it is always wonderful.
3. However, I am concerned that my husband does not have more passionate sexual feelings for me. I spoke to him more about it this evening. He explained that he has a great desire to cuddle with me, to hold me close and be near me. And once we get going he finds sex (such as it is) extremely pleasurable. Yet he rarely feels a strong sexual urge to be with me.
4. I appreciate and love him for his sweetness and his desire to be open with me, yet I still feel cheated somehow. I want to be truly wanted by my husband.
5. I have read much of your advice to other couples struggling with this, and I think it’s excellent. I also feel like our situation is slightly unique, with the vaginismus complication as well as the unusual gender divide (we also cannot currently afford a sex therapist, unfortunately). I’m sure you’re a very busy woman and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this blog. Thank you for any advice you can offer, and forgive me if I’ve repeated myself. I just felt that more information is probably better than less.

First of all, congratulations on your recent marriage! It sounds like the two of you are enjoying many wonderful aspects of married life already: friendship, affection, fun, openness, etc. These are important strengths that will help you both problem-solve, communicate, and begin a journey of healthy intimacy of all types (this includes mental, emotional, spiritual and physical).

It sounds like you are facing two main issues that are affecting your sexual life: vaginismus and discrepancy in level of sexual desire. I’m not convinced that one has much to do with the other – and if so, probably only minimally. In other words, it is most probable that you would be dealing with either one of these issues, even if the other one did not exist. Here are some thoughts:

The only possible connection I see between his sexual desire being lower than expected and the vaginismus disorder is that he is possibly also grieving the fact that the two of you are not able to engage in what would be considered “normal” intercourse at this time. As LDS members we are often sexually naive upon entering a marriage and if all he ever envisioned was the “missionary position” then it might naturally bring up anxiety/stress for him to imagine performing in other ways – much less enjoying them. This would be similar to “the good-girl syndrome” that Brotherson describes in And They Were Not Ashamedonly in this case it would be the “good-boy syndrome.” If this is truly part of what is bothering him, it will be important for you not to take it personally. It is neither your fault nor his that you have vaginismus. And like any medical or mental health disorder, it is normal for it to affect the entire system – not just the person diagnosed. I am encouraged to hear that you are seeking treatment, that your husband accepts your sexual advances, that you enjoy other forms of physical non-sexual contact (i.e. cuddling), and that you seem to feel accepted by your spouse. These strengths will have a huge impact in the success you will have as a couple. Vaginismus is a treatable disorder and I’ve included a link at the bottom of this post that addresses this further.
The reasons I doubt your vaginismus has much to do with your husband’s sexual desire is because, 1: he knew about this being a potential problem going into the marriage – he was not taken by surprise, and 2: you noticed “issues” with his sexual desire before you even married (you may have chalked this up to legitimate reasons, but you noticed it nonetheless).
It is important not to overlook the fact that you are newly married and just starting the journey of figuring out your sexual relationship. We all have certain expectations of what sex should be like (many of these formulated by media and cultural pressure). It’s going to be magical! It’s going to be amazing! It’s going to be hot! Five minutes later, we’re left wondering what the heck just happened. When we make the transition from keeping our sexuality completely at bay due to moral values to all of the sudden having a complete green light, it can be overwhelming. I encourage newlyweds not to be easily discouraged – you have a lifetime together to figure this sex thing out – and it is normal for it to take time. However, I also warn that communication and respect stay at the top of the priority list. Unfortunately, the anxiety or confusion that can occur in the first year of marriage due to sexual issues can begin patterns of distrust, regret, low self-esteem, etc. that can easily affect the next 20 years.

Other valid reasons as to why men can be experiencing a lower sex drive than expected are:

biological conditions such as cardiovascular disease, endocrine disorder, and/or chronic illness,
medication side effects,
low testosterone (a simple blood test can rule this out),
sexual dysfunctions (whether real or perceived) such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation (these usually affect self-esteem which in turn affects sexual drive),
history of sexual, physical or emotional abuse (it is estimated that 1 out of 6 boys are sexually abused)
a clinical depression disorder,
a clinical anxiety disorder,
stress such as job loss, school pressure, job change, etc.
body image issues and low self-esteem (i.e. not feeling manly enough),
obesity,
lack of sufficient sleep,
lack of exercise,
unhealthy diet,
lack of attraction for spouse,
alcoholism or abuse of drugs,
grief,
cultural, family and religious influences,
midlife crisis,
feeling criticized or other marital disharmony,
either emotional and/or physical infidelity,
sexual compulsions (i.e. use or addiction to pornography, masturbation, etc.), and
sexual orientation conflict. Because of religious pressure and “wanting to do what’s right” there are many LDS men who have same-gender attraction and still choose to marry a woman. This issue is so taboo within our Mormon culture that it is unlikely for these men to share these feelings with their girlfriends, fiancees or wives. Shame and legitimate fear of the consequences for speaking of such feelings attribute greatly to the secrecy on this topic. If you do find out that this is the issue, I encourage you to go under my blog’s heading of mixed-orientation marriage for resources and information.

There are many items on this list that probably do not apply to your case, but it would more than likely benefit you to go down through it and discuss these possibilities openly as a couple. The amount of safety you are able to provide for your husband to discuss these issues with you will directly affect the amount of success you experience with resolving these problems. You are correct in observing that when you react defensively (“I must not be attractive,” “I feel rejected”) then the safety net decreases. Although it is normal to feel defensive, it does not help the cause. He does not want to hurt or offend you so it’s natural that when he sees your anxiety go up, he will avoid the subject in hopes that your anxiety decreases. Of course, this has the opposite effect. You can lessen your anxiety by letting go of fear, educating yourself, trust in the many strengths you list above that you have as husband and wife, trust in your own maturity level, try not to take whatever he is struggling with personally, and focus on your self-esteem driven by your perceptions/reactions instead of his. Understand that this process will take time and work but that you have every reason to progress and succeed in your sexual goals as a couple. It is not a bad thing to have high expectations as long as patience and respect are part of the process.

I do offer sliding-scale fees for students and others who are facing financial difficulties in case you are interested in doing some telephone/videoconference sessions. If you’re interested you can email me directly and we can discuss the specifics in regards to your particular situation: [email protected].

Vaginismus Treatment

This previous post may also be helpful: FYI: Sexual Tips

A good book to have at your disposal would be The Sex-Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis. This is an excerpt from one of her male clients discussing his issues with erectile dysfunction that went on to affect his drive and that correlates with our LDS culture:

“Although my wife and I fooled around before we were married, we didn’t have intercourse. I was nervous when we were making out and touching each other but I assumed that once we got married, sex would be smooth sailing. Unfortunately, saying the vows didn’t take away all the fear and anxiety, and it sure didn’t make us instantly proficient at sex. It was awkward, and we were confused, and I immediately started blaming myself. I thought that if there was a problem, it meant that I wasn’t a real man. So although we figured out the mechanics of arousal and intercourse; we got a rocky start, and the anxiety would occasionally get the best of me.”

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