How do I reassure my wife about our sexual decisions?

Last updated on: February 24, 2010 at 11:29 am by Natasha Helfer

How do I reassure my wife about our sexual decisions? 2010-02-24T11:29:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I posted a related question already, but later realized I need to be more direct. I would like to buy my wife an “intimate object”, lubricant, and take all the kids on a 2-hour outing and let my wife “explore” and begin to figure things out on her own because together we have not been able to let her concentrate enough – maybe a little self-conscious about her body, smells, etc. I have a theory that if she can at least get to orgasm once then she will be on the right path to do it with me (for the first time). Can I reassure her that she should not feel guilt as an member of the LDS church with a temple recommend if we go through with this?

What you and your wife can discuss quite openly with one another is the fact that when it comes to the sexual behavior that occurs within a marriage, the church has made it clear that this should be left to the judgment and comfort level of the spouses within that marriage. It would benefit you both to ask each other what this counsel offers your relationship. What do you either of you feel the “limits” should look like? What are misgivings or things you are naturally not comfortable with? Why do you have these misgivings or comfort levels? Are these reasons legitimate or not? Are the reasons due to the fact that whatever practice would be detrimental in some way to your relationship? Will whatever practice bring you closer together and serve the purpose of enhancing your sexual relationship? It is important to be respectful in this questioning process as couples do not always agree on what the sexual parameters within a marriage should look like.

Some general guidelines that I am comfortable discussing openly with couples include those I deem appropriate within marriage:

Variety of intercourse positions
Oral Sex
Self Stimulation in the presence or at least with the knowledge of spouse
Genital stimulation of the other
Fantasy that includes the couple (i.e. making love on a beach, meeting under different circumstances, etc.)
Using sexual enhancers such as lubricants, massage oils, food, lingerie, costumes, vibrators, etc.
Books whose purpose is to offer legitimate sexual education (many of these do not include any visual images and others offer tasteful images that are drawn vs actual photography).
Appropriate forms of erotica (i.e. poetry, romantic movies, music, etc.) that can help put a couple in the mood.
Using tools that can help with medical issues (i.e. lubricants, medicine, hormone replacement, etc.). These options should be discussed with a physician.

and those I deem inappropriate within marriage:

Pornography
Anal Sex
Physically abusive behavior that would leave a mark. Sex can be playfully rough at times, but sexual play should not leave welts, bruises or marks of any kind (even if consensual).
Anything that would be considered forced, coerced, non-consensual, or guilt-induced by one spouse to another.
Including any type of third party (menage a trois), “swapping” of spouses, infidelity, etc. even if consensual.

These lists are not meant to be all-inclusive. I have come up with these guidelines through a combined study of sex therapy exercises/theory, study of gospel doctrine, discussions with numerous LDS leaders in bishopric, stake presidency and relief society presidency positions, study of anatomy and medical issues, and a study of marital therapy/relationships. But I am not a “prophetess,” I do not officially represent our church, and I am ultimately not a person in the position to tell your wife whether or not she should feel guilty about a certain behavior. She can be made aware of my positions, she can know that I am an active LDS therapist that loves the gospel and would never espouse something that I felt would go against gospel principles, but how she chooses to interpret my opinions and whether or not she agrees with me is ultimately up to her. The responsibility of what is correct in your marriage should always be up to you and your wife in congruence with your dual relationship with your Heavenly Father. Good luck with your ongoing communication regarding such important and sacred topics.

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