How do I deal with my husband’s beliefs having changed?

Last updated on: February 16, 2010 at 10:30 am by Natasha Helfer

How do I deal with my husband’s beliefs having changed? 2010-02-16T10:30:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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My husband and I were married in the temple as believing LDS members. Now my husband’s beliefs have changed. This has been a difficult change, but we are working through it using whatever resources we can find. My question is how to deal with this- Things that he used to think were wrong are now ok. For example R movies with nudity and sex and raunchy humor, a little porn, drinking, tobacco. He thinks any of this in moderation is ok. I don’t. When I express how I feel about these issues, he says that we think differently and that I should not let what he does affect me. He says that he is an adult and does these things responsibly. I am reading about codependency and wonder where it fits into this. Do I just let go and try not to let the fact that he does these things bother me, or do I argue how these things could negatively affect us with him? I never wanted to be with someone that did these things. If I had met him the way he is now, I would not have dated him. Am I shallow? Am I the one that needs to change? Does this change in his behavior justify me considering not being with him? I’m put off by his new ways. How do I accept and love him anyway?

This is a very difficult situation to find yourself in. I have written extensively regarding this topic and encourage you to read through some of my postings under the label struggling testimony.

One post in particular is:

Does this mean I don’t truly love him?

I write a lot on the subject of agency, of marital expectations and how the marital journey often goes “off course” from the expectations we hold dear – especially with the high expectations that usually accompany a temple marriage. This is a common struggle and through which there can come much personal and marital growth.

You do not mention whether or not you have children. The decision of whether or not to stay in this marriage should be affected by this fact. If children are involved, I am much more encouraging of a couple trying to work through their differences – mainly because their actions to separate will affect an entire family system rather than just the adults involved. If you do not have children and plan to do so, now is a good time to think long and hard whether or not you want to begin the challenge of raising a family in a marriage that is already shaky and losing common ground. All of the issues/feelings you currently have will be magnified through the lens of being parents who disagree on the fundamentals you want to teach in your home. Do not be fooled into thinking that having children will bring you closer together or that it will “save” your marriage by creating a common bond. Even strong couples struggle with the normal challenges and struggles that go along with pregnancy, childbearing, breast-feeding, sex-drive discrepancies, and the redefining of roles that occurs inside a couple’s dynamics during this developmental time.

Being unhappy with or disagreeing with one’s spouse does not entail codependency. Codependency is a much more complicated state of being where a person only feels comfortable in a relationship style based on an intermingling of “taking control” and “taking care” of another. The situation you describe where you are experiencing anger, sadness and frustration regarding the fact that core beliefs that were once shared are no longer, does not raise the codependent flag for me. However, I’ve included some resources that can help you better assess whether or not this may be a problem for you.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

Factsheet: Codependency

Being unhappy about these changes your husband is exhibiting does not make you shallow. And his actions and outlook on life very much affect your relationship and the respect he elicits – as do yours. The justification of “I am an adult and this shouldn’t affect you” is just not realistic within couple dynamics. Being married to another person automatically puts us into a position of affecting the other. However, if you choose to stay in this marriage it will be important for you to find a balance between standing firmly by your convictions and lifestyle choices while simultaneously not falling into a “mother/teen-age son” relationship (a bona fide intimacy killer): you are good, he is naughty; you are right, he is wrong; you nag and lecture, he mopes and withdraws; you are mature, he is immature; etc. You can communicate clearly without falling into these patterns. Your behavior, your attitudes, your communication skills, your level of respect, your willingness to love or forgive, your testimony, the spirit you bring into the home – these are the things you have control over. Wasting time trying to change your husband is exactly that – a waste of time. Marital therapy will more than likely be a useful tool for you to use. I wish you the best of luck as you navigate through this struggle.

Another resource:

faceseast.org

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