Do I need to speak with my bishop abt our marital sex life?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm by Natasha Helfer

Do I need to speak with my bishop abt our marital sex life? 2012-10-14T22:51:44-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I have been married for over 10 years & love my wife. I am happy with my wife. I feel sure that she feels happy with me. We have two great kids, still young enough that one sleeps with us some. We both work hard as parents, with church callings and in our professional lives. We rarely have sex more than once or twice a week. My wife enjoys sex at times, but has little interest most of the time. Our sexual activity over most of our marriage consists of intercourse about a quarter of the time and either her using her hand on me or my rubbing up against her in a spooning position until I orgasm. I desire emotional and physical intimacy with her regularly. I also need/desire the physical release of orgasm. My wife almost always urges me to “Hurry” or “get the show on the road” before and during nearly every sexual encounter. A couple of months ago, I began talking more to my wife about how this one aspect of our life was unsatisfying and hurtful. I read Laura Brotherson’s book and my wife read parts of it. I have looked at this site and some other fairly inoffensive LDS discussions of sexuality. In our recent discussions my wife has more readily acknowledged my sex drive as not evil. She feels that she in not inhibited or suffering from good girl syndrome, just tired, busy and not as into it as I am. I should also say that I am and have been very involved in parenting, cleaning and other household chores. We both feel loved and happy but at an impasse. After suffering a lot of physical discomfort and emotional resentment, I approached my wife with a compromise. It is often humiliating for me to be rejected as much as I am, to always be the initiator and be the recipient of a handjob while she talks about logistics or parenting and married life. I asked what she would think about me using my own hand on myself, in our bed, with her when she was not in the mood. She said that would be fine. In my “proposal” I expressed the need/desire to be intimate and have nice or special sex with her regularly at least once a month or so—enough for us to have nice marital sex for both of us, but not to smother her with requests. She knows I’ll never turn her down. I feel like I need a sexual outlet and to live the law of chastity and to not nag her only to be turned down or treated to a lackluster, sometimes painful handjob. I do not love this compromise, but it has been a bridge. We have both been more relaxed and affectionate to each other in nonsexual ways. I overcame a struggle with masturbation before serving a mission and have not used masturbation since then until now. I do not masturbate away from my wife. I hope that as time moves on, that we can have more fulfilling sex more often and the self-love next to her will become unnecessary. While I see masturbation as sinful, this arrangement has been a breakthrough. I don’t pester her–I just ask if she’s in the mood. If not, I ask if she minds if I “make love with you over here.” Sometimes we play footsy during, or she’ll put her arm around me, but usually it’s a pretty solitary activity. Now we make love about once or twice a month and it’s nice and she wants it, is in the mood for it and is more likely to orgasm and to linger. I hope our arrangement is a bridge and that when our kids are a little older and more independent we can move beyond this.

Is this arrangement cause for me to have a discussion with my Bishop? I do not look at pornography or masturbate alone or fantasize about others. I do not love our arrangement, but I feel it has dissipated some resentment on both sides and strangely given me some dignity. As I read comments on the LDS Blogs, I see some great insight and a lot of justification. I have prayed about this and felt good, and am striving to be worthy in every way. I would appreciate wise feedback. Thanks.

Since my answer is going to be short and quick, I’m just going to take this one out of order. Ultimately the decision of whether or not to speak with a bishop about one’s personal issues is up to each individual. However, the following is my strong opinion.

NO! You do NOT need to speak with your bishop about this. This is a great example of increased communication, increased vulnerability, willingness to engage in creativity, and service of “the other” within a marital relationship without crossing the boundary into inappropriate behavior or thoughts. It is also a great example of what the “handbook” addresses when it leaves a sexual relationship between a husband and wife. The results are very telling: “by their fruits ye shall know.” (Matthew 7:20) As a couple you are experiencing the following fruits: less negative pressure, tension or anxiety, more dignity, a meeting of needs, an opening for more types of affection, a higher degree of intimacy, a more satisfying sexual life for both, etc… BRAVO! May you continue to use your many strengths as a couple as you continue your sexual, parental, marital, emotional and spiritual journey as a yoked team.

Marriage

Masturbation

Sexuality

Previous Post

February 22, 2010

FYI: Drawing

Next Post

February 23, 2010 Is my marriage a hopeless situation?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What was the occupation of Lydia, the first European convert in Acts?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Seller of purple cloth Tentmaker Baker Fisherwoman