Would it be helpful for my wife to masturbate?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm by Natasha Helfer

Would it be helpful for my wife to masturbate? 2012-10-14T22:40:40-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

This is a very difficult topic for me but something I’ve struggled with for many years and still know very little about. After 11 years of marriage and 4 kids my wife and I are still experiencing frustration in the bedroom. My wife looks at sex like it is her duty to fulfill her husband’s desires and should get enough satisfaction from that alone. This makes me feel guilty for wanting sex. I realize that communication is key and so I plan to continue discussing this with her. My wife is very strong-willed, independent, very concerned about following the Prophet and has grown up in a rigid household with a very strong father/docile mother Mormon family. She is the kind of person that will stew over whether or not she should pay tithing on tax refunds and will check grocery receipts to make sure every penny was paid. She is a great person, a great example to me and my children and I consider my decision to marry her the best decision of my life. Sometimes she struggles with feelings of inadequacy and lack of confidence when it comes to her body. I want to be sensitive of this.

We have tried a lot of things to make the bedroom scene work for her – believe me, we have tried a lot. We read books like “The Act of Marriage” to get some ideas, but still no luck. One item remains untouched: female masturbation. I don’t mean where I do it for her – I think she needs to concentrate more…alone. I mean where I take the kids away from the house and she gets comfortable in the bedroom alone with the lights down and does everything on her own. I’ve read that some people think this could help a woman with her husband if she knows what the experience is like. Problem is books like the one mentioned either avoid this topic or portray it as taboo and wrong. We learn growing up in LDS society that this is sin and wrong (for man or woman). My wife feels hesitation and guilt about the idea and her background enhances that feeling. Her feelings of guilt and shame made it so she could not focus when she attempted masturbation once before. If this ends up working, how do we get over the fact that we’ve been taught it is wrong? Seems to me, if this actually helps our relationship, the big M (for her) could be a good thing.

Any ideas, thoughts? Thank you.

Thank you for your comments and questions. I am highly encouraged for your situation by the following:

There seems to be a high level of mutual respect in your relationship.
There seems to be a high level of commitment from both of you to your faith and wanting to lead life in accord with Heavenly Father’s plan for you.
There is a willingness to have a discussion about sex and communicate about each other’s needs, wants and how to progress in this area.

When it comes to masturbation, it can be a confusing topic in reference to church guidelines and positions. I think this is evident by the many comments/opinions/questions that post on this blog regarding this topic. On the one hand we have previous prophets specifically stating that masturbation is sinful and we continue to have guidance to refrain from masturbation in literature addressed to our youth and singles such as The Strength of Youth. On the other hand, we are told that within marriage the sexual lifestyle a couple chooses to partake in is up to the couple as long as things stay consensual, safe, non-demeaning and non-perverse. These terms are somewhat abstract in that what one couple or person may find “demeaning” or “perverse” may differ from another.

How I choose to look at masturbation is to clearly understand what its dangers are (what are the reasons why we might be encouraged to refrain from this behavior?). The reasons I have come up with (supported by research) are:

For some people, it can become addictive.
It is oftentimes used in conjunction with pornography.
It can become a way to meet one’s sexual needs, in turn lessening the motivation to work on a marital relationship or a marital sex life where needed.
It can be a secretive behavior that inadvertently adds to dishonesty within a relationship and therefore leads to less intimacy.

What you are describing does not fall into these “danger” categories. If you and your wife choose to use masturbation as a tool in helping you achieve your sexual goals as a couple, then I believe this decision should be completely up to you as a couple.

You bring up many good points about some of the challenges women (especially those who have been raised with strict sexual boundaries) have when it comes to their sexuality:

Incorrect stereotypes (i.e. sex should only be used to procreate, sex is not meant to be enjoyed, only men care about sex, etc.)
Many are not adequately educated about their own anatomy or their husband’s anatomy
Many have not had adequate role models in their own parents that portrayed healthy attitudes about sex, sexuality, affection, etc.
Inappropriate/underlying guilt having to do with sexuality is a big psychological turn-off (for both men and women).
Because of psychological and environmental setbacks, many women are not sufficiently in tune with their own bodies to know what feels good, to know how to orgasm, or even more of a challenge – how to communicate sexual needs to their husbands

For these reasons I think that masturbation or self-stimulation can be a good educational process for women who choose to use this tool as a means to a healthier sex life with their husbands. If women are self-conscious or embarrassed they can start this process on their own. However, I would encourage for the process to develop to the point where the husband is included. It is this type of vulnerability, after all, that does wonders for the level of intimacy for any couple. The goal would be for the woman to take what she learns from exploring herself and be willing to communicate it to her husband. Hopefully the husband can take a student-stance at this point and be willing to listen to what she communicates (i.e. where does it feel good to be touched, what type of pressure is necessary, what rhythms of touch are necessary, what positions feel good and at what times, etc.)

I hope that by understanding more about women’s sexual make-up that husbands will not take many of the challenges their wives face sexually personally.

Every woman is different in what she will find sexually exciting, satisfying and orgasmic. And depending on her mood, hormone fluctuation and developmental stage of life, what she finds to be sexually successful may change. This is why the sexual openness within a couple is so important at all stages of marriage. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you enjoy the process. It may take time until you both feel that you have achieved your sexual goals. Enjoy the ride – even the challenges. Because both the good and bad will bring potential for couple growth and intimacy. You may consider going to see a therapist qualified in sex therapy as another resource.

Marriage

Masturbation

Sexuality

Previous Post

January 15, 2010

I am on my first deployment. What do my wife and I do about sex?

Next Post

January 20, 2010 How do I balance being content while striving for a better future?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does 1 John say the world and its desires are doing?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Being judged Passing away Coming to an end Growing darker