What do I do about my hesitation regarding oral sex?

Last updated on: January 27, 2010 at 12:03 pm by Natasha Helfer

What do I do about my hesitation regarding oral sex? 2010-01-27T12:03:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I have a concern and I’m considering the option of seeing a sex therapist. I have been dating a wonderful and righteous LDS man for about a year now. We both have had unsuccessful first marriages in the temple. His marriage lasted 16 years, mine was over a 35 year period. We are striving to keep the commandments and be guided by the spirit in our dating with one another. We have fallen in love and we have high expectations for the possibility of an eternal marriage in the near future.
In an effort to understand one another better, and to avoid future problems, we have read a number of excellent books together. Our favorite (and most helpful) has been “His Needs Her Needs” which we have read together twice. We have found it interesting and fun to discuss Dr. Harley’s ideas. And we have already implemented many of his suggestions in our relationship. We have found that this book has helped facilitate our communications about the most important aspects of a good marriage. We both agree on the importance of a good sexual relationship in a marriage. And since we are not sleeping together all we can do discuss this topic, and trust that we will have a great sex life after we are married..
So the problem is that in our attempt to be as honest with each other as possible we have discovered a topic which could be problematic. That topic is oral sex. He had oral sex in his marriage and it was an intensely enjoyable part of his intimate sexual relationship with his first wife. On several occasions he has tried to explain how important it would be for him if we are to marry. He can sense my reluctance on the subject. This probably stems from my limited experience with oral sex. My ex-husband and I only had oral sex a few times and it wasn’t introduced in the bedroom until about 20 years into our marriage. And then only after he had an affair.
My former husband performed oral sex on me and tried to force me to do it to him. It was anything but enjoyable and not something I’ve even thought about until my boyfriend brought the
subject up a few months ago. It’s not a topic I would be comfortable discussing with my bishop or even a family member. I did bring it up with a really good girlfriend who is also divorced and her response was “We never did it in our marriage” and she made it clear that it would be a deal breaker for her if she was ever to remarry. She was not a lot of help.
My boyfriend loaned me Dr. John Gray’s book on Venus and Mars in the bedroom and I found the books clinical approach to oral sex, a real turn off. I’m currently reading “And They Were Not Ashamed,” a really good book about the LDS perspective about sex in marriage.
What I have concluded is that I really love and trust my boyfriend and I hope I will be ready when the time comes. He is very kind and respectful of me and I’m trying to have faith in my ability to accept his wishes since I adore him and want to make him happy. But he has made it clear that he wants more than my trust and faith he wants my “mutual enthusiasm” (one of Dr. Harley’s concepts) about the idea of oral sex.
My boyfriend has said that this won’t be a deal breaker for him. But I’m not sure that he is willing to marry me without my full enthusiasm on the subject. He knows that I can’t give him my guarantee that I will love oral sex as much as he does and besides he would know if I was trying to pretend. What do I do? I enjoy your blog and feel that it is helpful. I have made a donation to the blog. Thank You for any help you can give me.

First of all, I want to commend you and your boyfriend for having such frank and open discussions regarding your sexual experiences, feelings and expectations. These are important things to have an open communication about before and during marriage. I like all of the book references you mention (even Dr. Gray’s)

As I respond to your question I’d like to do so from two points of reference: you as an individual and then you as part of this couplehood. Here are my thoughts for just the YOU part:

It doesn’t matter WHO you enter a relationship with, there are going to be bumps along the road – things you disagree on, things you think about differently, things you do differently, etc. I hope you can take the 35 years you spent in a previous relationship and think back to how you dealt with problems, conflict and disagreement. What was your role in both problem solving and in problem making? How did you manage anxiety? How did you try to problem solve? What worked? What didn’t? It is important to be very self aware about these types of issues before you begin another long-term relationship. We marry certain people because we are attracted to certain strengths AND weaknesses. What I see way too often in my line of work, is that once people divorce, they will quickly turn around and remarry someone with similar strengths and weaknesses. Because the YOU person hasn’t changed. Therefore, what YOU will be attracted to doesn’t change either. The best things a couple can do to keep this from happening are 1. not rush a new relationship (I like that you have been dating an entire year) , 2. do some individual therapy work to help you assess how you want to approach a new relationship differently with what you’ve learned from the previous marriage, and 3. once you are in a new relationship do some pre-marital counseling as a couple that can help you prepare for the marriage you both want without the end result being divorce again. Unfortunately the statistics for divorce are much higher for those who have been previously divorced. The divorce rate in the United States for a first marriage is about 41% but it goes up to 60% for a second marriage and a whopping 73% for a third.
You may wonder what any of this has to do with your question about oral sex, but I believe that your self awareness, the role you are used to playing as a wife, the ability you have to be true to yourself and your needs, the ability you have to challenge yourself, the ability you have to experiment and open your mind to new ideas (and not just about sex), the ability you have to give without becoming resentful or afraid, the ability you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable knowing full well you may be hurt along the process, the ability you have to manage anxiety, etc. – all of these things will be greatly telling on how you go about solving this problem.
Now let’s focus specifically on oral sex. I am sure that there have been many cultural, religious, and even personal experiences, teachings, and reasons that have formed your current stance on this subject. It would benefit you to do an inventory of what all these different things are. Make a list. Then, decide for yourself if these perceptions are something you want to challenge in your life – not for the reason of making this particular boyfriend happy, but for the reason that YOU no longer want to be limited in this way regarding the types of pleasure you want to experience receiving or giving if you choose to remarry. Do I want to limit my sexuality in this way? Do I want to be open to experiencing something different sexually this time around? Do I want to challenge myself in this area or not? Do I want to allow the experiences I had with my ex-husband dictate the experiences I’m able to have from here on out? Accept the answers you come up with, whatever they may be.

Now for YOU as a couple:

There will be no guarantees about what your sexual life will look like until you begin that journey. Talking and discussing things is a good place to start and it will be important to continue the discussion as you go. You both will enter this marriage (if you choose to) with many preconceived notions and memories regarding previous sexual experiences. These will affect you both whether you like it or not. It’s part of your history and it’s part of who you both are today. However, it will be a healthy challenge to try and let go as much as possible so that you can begin anew in building your own sexual history together.
You cannot promise this man that you will enjoy or be enthusiastic about oral sex specifically, because you honestly do not know how you’re feelings will develop, and this has been an area where you have struggled before. You can promise that you are willing to challenge yourself and that you are willing to be enthusiastic about your sexuality together in whatever form that shapes. If this is a “deal breaker” as you state, then I would seriously consider whether or not this is a healthy relationship for you to be in.
However, it sounds like this is not a deal breaker from what he is saying, so I’m wondering why you are assuming it might be? My main concern therefore, lies in the amount of anxiety you are managing regarding this. You sound very concerned about keeping him happy, versus keeping yourself happy. This is why I started with the YOU part above. If you approach the possibility of oral sex with the level of anxiety and the level of responsibility for another’s happiness I sense above, I think the chances for your success are limited.
Oral sex should NEVER be forced. I do not encourage husbands or wives to communicate to their partners that they would like to be given oral sex by manually pushing their partners heads toward their genitalia. Even if the intention was not to “force” but rather to communicate what one wants, it can be perceived as a forced gesture. I encourage rather for couples to verbalize wants both during sex and out of the bedroom. It is OK to say “not right now,” “I’m not comfortable with that but let’s try this instead,” “I hear you but I need more time,” etc. I also highly encourage that if something is happening that you do like, make sure you make that very clear as well.

My own personal perspective on oral sex is that it can be an incredibly bonding and beautiful expression of love between a husband and wife. I believe that unfortunately we have all been subject to a culture (even outside of Mormonism) that depicts our genitals as “dirty.” I believe that this is one of the biggest attacks from the adversary – turning the most sacred and holy parts of our physical temples into degrading appendages used for mockery and filth. It is clear that the sexual aspect of a matrimony is on par with a sacramental union between two people that elevates a relationship into something apart from all others. It is a place of sanctuary. It is a place of sharing. It is a place of vulnerability. It is a place of symbolism. And when these things are mutually respected, there are no bounds or limits on where both husband and wife may want to touch, kiss, explore and cause pleasure. Because the giving of pleasure will beget pleasure. And the receiving of pleasure, the willingness to be pleasured, will also allow for the other to feel pleasure. I hope that if you decide to engage in oral sex that it will come from this type of loving surrender to another, versus guilt or wanting only to make another happy at the expense of your own feelings.

Some tips on becoming more comfortable with oral sex:

Take it slow. Start with basic manual exploration of your spouse’s genitalia before you move into oral stimulation. I encourage some type of dim lighting to be available (dark enough so that it creates a romantic ambience, but light enough so you can see what you are doing). Take the opportunity to look at your spouse and all of their parts. Become acquainted visually. Take the step to offer light kisses at first maybe mingled with massage. You can begin in other areas of the body (i.e. stomach, hips, thighs, pelvis, etc.) before moving to the genitalia. It is usually more pleasant to engage in oral sex if one is sexually excited as well. So take the time to warm up.
Relax and enjoy. If you feel anxiety or other uncomfortable feelings creeping up, take note of them and let them pass by. Take note of where you think these feelings are coming from. Take a break if you need to. Don’t feel like once you’ve begun that you have to stay in that position. And don’t assume that if you have one negative experience, that you can’t work towards better experiences in the future. There should be no sense of rush or pressure to perform.
Don’t assume that anyone has to orgasm for oral sex to be successful. Oral sex can just be part of foreplay and being playful with one another.
For some, it can help psychologically if oral sex happens after a bath or shower. In our increasingly hygienic and sterilized lives we are less used to the normality of human scents and may be turned off by any smell we encounter sexually. However, I would encourage us to remember that bodies and their fluids (i.e. sweat, semen, vaginal lubrication, etc.) have natural scents that go along with them. Rather than recoil from these, it might behoove us to enjoy from any possible pheromone benefits. Remember Who created your body. Remember every part serves a purpose and is created in the image of our Heavenly Parents.
It can also be helpful to use products such as an edible oil to make the experience more enjoyable (especially if you are one that is sensitive to the natural smells or taste of the human body). Simply Sweet Marriage is a good place to order such supplies without coming into contact with any inappropriate or pornographic material.

Good luck and I wish you the best in this courtship. May you both make wise decisions as you continue to explore whether or not you are meant to join paths.

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