My problem is the temple…

Last updated on: January 7, 2010 at 3:29 pm by Natasha Helfer

My problem is the temple… 2010-01-07T15:29:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I’m going to try to be very, very careful and respectful as I ask this question. My husband and I were married in October of this year. Our marriage is fantastic… that’s not my problem. My problem is the temple. I received my endowment two weeks before our marriage. I was extremely anxious for months before that date, and for several days after I was the most depressed I’d ever been, bordering on suicidal. I have always been a faithful member of the church. I am also highly intellectual, a “feminist” and deep thinker. I have never shied away from doctrinal issues, but it’s also very hard for me to take things purely on faith. However, I have always been able to soldier on in the gospel until now. I hated, hated, hated the temple, and I don’t know who to talk to. Family members, the bishopric, even my dear sweet husband… everyone was sympathetic but no one was able to really understand or help. I am in the process of seeking a counselor to help me manage my anxiety, but I don’t know where to turn. I’m afraid an LDS counselor will make me feel like this is my fault (even though I am trying so hard to understand and appreciate the temple), and of course I can’t discuss it with a non-LDS counselor. My husband and I are attending the temple again this week for the first time since we married, and I have again been plunged into a deep hole of anxiety and fear. Please offer any advice, and thank you for this blog.

It is not uncommon for members to come away from their first temple experience with anxious or uncomfortable feelings – to the point of not wanting to return. The temple ceremonies are quite different from our usual ways of worship – they are founded mostly on ritual. And rituals can feel uncomfortable to those who are not used to performing or participating in them: they tend to have somewhat of an archaic feel. But rituals can serve as a different type of learning tool that many find useful and beautifully symbolic. I’m sure that discomfort reported by members is part of the reason why the church has developed temple preparation classes, which I’m wondering if you attended prior to going.

I, like you, also identify myself as an intellectual, a feminist, and a deep thinker – as do many of the women I have come across in this great faith of ours. I have spoken with many of these women about the temple rituals which in essence symbolize some of our basic teachings. It is interesting to see how members of our church choose to look at and think about the temple ceremonies in vastly different ways. I have spoken to women who find the temple ceremony demeaning or macho while others find it liberating and uplifting.

Here are some thoughts:

Although I am not surprised you had a difficult time with your first time at the temple, I am concerned with the level of difficulty you are describing to the point of having suicidal thoughts. I am left wondering if issues of anxiety and/or depression have been present in your life prior to this experience?
You describe being highly anxious about attending the temple before you went. Why was this? What had you heard about the temple? Are there people in your life influencing you to have a negative outlook on the temple ceremonies even before you had the chance to formulate your own opinions? Did these preconceptions limit your ability to interpret the temple ceremonies in more than one way?
Do not feel like you have to return to the temple before you are ready to do so. Although many resolve their issues with the temple as they return, get more accustomed to the ceremonies and gain more understanding, you have time on your side. I would not encourage you to rush into returning especially if you are feeling increased anxiety at the prospect.
The fact that your husband is supportive and sympathetic to your feelings is a great resource for you. He may not know exactly what to say or do to help you through this problem, but just the fact that you feel support from him is extremely positive. Make sure you let him know this.
Let me be very clear in communicating to you that NOTHING is worth taking your own life. You may be facing some very difficult doctrinal and theological issues that you will sort out throughout your life: and these issues many times do cause anxiety, confusion, and distress. In fact a theological journey is usually an ongoing one. As we take steps to learn and understand, we are usually left thinking and learning about even more. If it comes to the point that you need to part ways with the beliefs of our church, that would be a better choice than resorting to suicide.

Ultimately your journey through temple worship and how it ties into your overall testimony of the gospel will be your own. However, I encourage you to speak with a good LDS counselor who will allow for your ambivalent feelings and who will not encroach their beliefs onto you. It may take some shopping around to find someone you are comfortable with. A good therapist should not make you feel as if you are “to blame.” It will be important for you to discuss any issues or concerns with your therapist directly as they come up. I encourage my clients to do so often. Many therapists can unknowingly leave their clients feelings ways they are not aware of. It is also important for you to try and separate how a therapist may be legitimately making you feel versus the biases you may bring to the therapy setting yourself. In other words, if you believe an LDS therapist will blame you, you may look at all that therapist says or does through a blaming lens which will in turn affect the work you are able to accomplish. I am available through telephone and/or skype sessions if you would like to pursue that route and I would be comfortable discussing these types of issues with you. I also encourage you to approach other LDS women you know, respect and trust (i.e. your Relief Society President, your visiting teachers, family members, friends, etc.). You may not agree with many of them on how they choose to interpret the temple ceremonies, but over time you may get a well-rounded perspective on how other LDS women think through similar thoughts and/or concerns.

I wish you the best on your spiritual journey. May you find the comfort and peace you seek. Whether or not you choose to worship in the temple, whether or not you stay in our church, my testimony is that you can still always rely on the basic principle of prayer and your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are invested in your worth and divinity. They understand your status and role as woman, wife, daughter and sister. They honor and cherish your femininity and intellect. They expect others to honor these things as well.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

January 6, 2010

I just found out that my husband has been having an affair...

Next Post

January 11, 2010 FYI: Sexual Tips

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I was called three times in the night before I realized it was the Lord speaking to me. Who am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Eli Saul David Samuel