My husband is OK with getting oral sex, but not giving it…

Last updated on: November 9, 2009 at 10:20 pm by Natasha Helfer

My husband is OK with getting oral sex, but not giving it… 2009-11-09T22:20:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I have a question for you regarding oral sex, and I have read many of your blogs regarding it. My husband and I are newly married, but we have been having some problems in the bedroom. On our honeymoon I discovered that I wanted to be intimate with him more frequently then he did with me. I took it personally, and it became a problem. I have become quite insecure with myself. It doesn’t help that he’s busier then I am; a whole week can go by without him noticing that I need him. We talked about it, and after much frustration, he has decided to be with me more often, and it’s going alright. About oral sex, I have been doing it to him, but haven’t received any in return. I always thought oral sex was a very intimate thing, and have always been excited to do it with my future husband. I saw it as something special. I didn’t say anything about it for a while, until it started getting to me more and more and I just had to ask him why. At first he said he just needed time (he has never done it before). So I gave him time, but nothing was happening. I asked him again, he said it was because it was wrong to do it, the church said so. I asked him if he thought it was wrong, how come he was willing to let me do it? He said, “I don’t know, I guess I don’t know why I won’t do it.” The end. So I gave up asking why. It wasn’t until recently that I have started to become really insecure about it. It sounds really silly, but I have put in my mind that maybe he doesn’t like the way I “look”, or “smell”, or anything at all. In my mind, there has to be a reason. I’ve tried to put those thoughts away, but recently I have gotten so insecure to the point where I can’t climax, and now I can’t even have sex. He tried to initiate it the other day, and I just felt hurt, I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable. How do I get over these insecurities? I’ve been trying to just let it go, but my sexual desires are gone. For the past few days I won’t even undress in front of him, it’s pathetic. I know he cares about me, but the previous problems of him not wanting to have sex already early on in our marriage, and now not wanting to be more intimate… I don’t want to pressure him, but I can’t let go of the hurt.

It is not uncommon for LDS couples to struggle sexually at the beginning of their marriage – regardless of how much “experience” either partner comes to the marriage with. I am going to assume that both of you entered the marriage virgins (or at least had not had sex together before marriage). Although this is a wonderful accomplishment if it is the case, the situation does naturally bring with it some normal struggles including not knowing exactly what to expect, or how to perform, and/or how to openly communicate about a subject that has been held taboo for most of your lives up until now. Most of the sexual messages that we receive through the media that inundate our culture show couples figuring things out immediately (even as soon as a first date) with maximum pleasure happening at precisely the same moment for both involved. This is just not how it works in the real world. Libidos vary, sexual fantasies and expectations differ, orgasm may be elusive at times, exploration desires vary, interpretation on “what’s ok” varies, etc., etc. And not many LDS members are talking about these issues or attempting to educate young couples in the months/weeks before a wedding. So, here are some thoughts:

I am highly encouraged that you have spoken directly to your husband regarding your concerns. This shows a willingness on your part to be open and have frank discussions regarding your needs, his needs and issues you see arising. It also sounds like -in at least some ways- your husband was willing to listen and take your concerns seriously. He put forth genuine effort to change behavior and try to meet your needs. This sounds like you are both off to a good start. Just because things haven’t worked out perfectly, doesn’t devalue these efforts.
As far as oral sex goes, I have stated several times before that there is no official church stance on this subject. This matter is left up to husband and wife.
You are right to see a “discrimination” per se if your husband is OK with you performing oral sex but not OK with his performing it. However, I see this issue as more than likely having very little to do with you personally. Rather he is probably struggling from perceptions that have been engrained in his mind (via religious, family and/or cultural bias) that paint this act as an inappropriate one. He very well might be embarrassed about disclosing all of his thoughts/feelings about oral sex with you. He may realize that not all of the ways he is thinking about this subject are completely rational – in other words, he may have contradictory thoughts. He may also be worried about hurting your feelings.
I am saddened to hear that this issue is causing so many side effects to your sexuality as a whole. I hope that by beginning to understand that this is not a personal issue, you may be able to tap into your love and patience for your husband as you can both begin the exploration of your couple sexuality. As newlyweds, you are only in the very beginning of what can be an incredible journey if the communication around sex stays respectful, loving, giving, and honest. I encourage you to relax and be patient with the process. Be willing to see your husband’s struggles as well as your own. Don’t be so ready to doubt yourself. Maybe you entered the marriage more sexually prepared than your husband. That doesn’t mean that now at the first sign of trouble you should put yourself down. You are divine – your body is divine – don’t let this struggle get in the way of your sexual potential as a daughter of God.
Unfortunately, when couples begin their marriage with sexual issues, it can begin a downward spiral into a negative and deeply embedded cycle that if left unchecked may completely sabotage your sexual relationship. I highly encourage you both to take the strengths I listed in my first bullet-point and begin some marital/sexual therapy. When problems are addressed quickly and early you save yourselves years of unnecessary struggle, hurt, low self-esteem, and marital distress. A good therapist will be able to separate the sexual biases/perceptions you both entered the marriage with from the two of you as actual individuals. They would also be able to help you find more effective ways to communicate and develop language about sexuality that otherwise can leave you feeling embarrassed, vulnerable and anxious.

I wish you both the best as you move forward from here. I have no reason to doubt that if you are willing to get the appropriate help, you can find yourselves in a different position rather quickly. Marriage is a journey that when embarked upon the foundation of honesty and loving communication, very little can truly get in its way. The challenge is for all of us to find the maturity within to be able to withstand this level of deeper intimacy.

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