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Can physical/sexual attraction develop over time?

Can physical/sexual attraction develop over time?

Last updated on: November 4, 2009 at 9:07 pm by Natasha Helfer

Can physical/sexual attraction develop over time? 2009-11-04T21:07:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Great blog, I enjoy reading it for many reasons. I think sexuality is a thing that needs more discussion in Mormondom, and you are providing a wonderful, respectful, qualified resource. I’m a single guy in my late 20’s who has referred many other single friends and family members to this blog to just absorb information. Keep it up, please!

I would like to get your thoughts on something that isn’t really about sex per se, but certainly has to do with sexuality on levels I’m not fully understanding right now. The subject is attraction, and I’ll try to be brief in explaining my question:

In recent years I’ve gotten to know several women that I came to genuinely and deeply care for on a best friends sort of level. In many ways I can honestly say that I loved them. In each of these situations they have felt the same way and wanted to take our relationship from really really good friends with an awesome connection to something more intimate and exclusive. I, however, didn’t, and I don’t understand why. The only thing I clearly understand is that I wasn’t physically attracted to them. Don’t get me wrong – these were beautiful women, and sometimes I did feel physically attracted, but it wasn’t sustained and it certainly wasn’t the kind of strong, vibrant sexual/physical attraction I have felt with other women I’ve dated. I feel that having a strong physical attraction is very important in a relationship.

I want to believe that there is something more meaningful going on here than the superficial. I’ve tried to think of all the subconscious processes that could explain the lack of desire to bring the relationship to a romantic and physically intimate level – everything from personality differences to genetics/evolutionary forces for mate selection, etc., but I’m not convinced that I’ll ever be able to really articulate or understand these complexities of attraction.

My questions are these: In your observation is physical/sexual attraction something that can develop over time? Or is it dangerous to think that this component of a relationship will just come later? Is your answer different for males vs. females? Between individuals?

I have personally never found myself physically attracted to someone – even after coming to love them on many levels – if that physical/sexual spark wasn’t there in the first place. Yet sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have a more open mind about the possibility of it developing. I’m not sure how “having an open mind” would work, though, as I can’t get over the dishonesty I would feel if I just “tried” dating them. In discussion with friends, I have noticed that many males thoroughly identify with this dilemma, while most females find it quite foreign.

So much for brevity. Looking forward to your response!

Thank you for your gracious compliments and for your referrals!

Attraction is such a complicated and fluid part of human sexual behavior. Take the instant physical attraction that can feel overwhelmingly powerful when the stars align and both involved feel the same way (i.e. “love at first sight”). Then there are those who report attraction developing over time, as they better get to know a person (friends turned lovers). And of course we see many around us who at one time found each other very attractive and now can’t stand to see the sight of one another (bitter divorce). So, there really isn’t an easy answer to your question since attraction is such a personal process for each individual. But here are some thoughts:

There is an aspect to attraction that we have little control over. For whatever visual, cultural, social and biological reasons we may find ourselves attracted to a certain person and not to someone else. There is research that supports the idea that males are more visually stimulated than females. For females things like stability, personality and economics may prove more attractive than mere looks. These more than likely have an evolutionary aspect to them.
However, we also know that relationships that are solely based on “attraction” are not going to get far. Physical attraction might be the first step for some, but if the couple is going to make a serious go at it they need to develop a deeper friendship, good communication skills, problem-solving skills, mutual respect and sincere love and concern for the other.
The other problem with physical attraction is that physical bodies change. We all age, women get pregnant, most of us gain weight over time and lose muscle mass (i.e. become flabbier), we have scars or stretch marks that come with life’s journey, etc. So people who find their spouses “attractive” after 25+ years of marriage are no longer basing this attraction solely on the visual stimulus in front of them. They have developed a much richer and deeper attraction that envelopes the many complexities of the person they have grown with, been challenged by, laughed and cried with, formed a family with, etc. Also as we age, we see the physical world around us through a different lens. A 40 year old woman’s body may not have seemed particularly attractive to a boy of 18 and yet now as he turns 45 he is still in awe of his wife’s physical beauty – even with any imperfections it may have. This is a more mature and deeper seeded attraction.
What I’m getting at is that there is another aspect of attraction that we do have control over. This includes our ability and willingness to see the divinity, the worth, the beauty, and the strengths of the one we have chosen to get old with, even with their imperfections. Much of this has to do with how attractive we keep ourselves (and I’m not just referring to physical attraction, but to emotional and spiritual attractiveness as well). And are we able to continually focus our energies on the positives that we see in our partner versus the negatives. I refer once again, to Robin William’s quote in Good Will Hunting (and please excuse the language – it’s just so classic!): Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like “oh was that you?” I’d say yeah…I didn’t have the heart to tell her….[laughing]**
Will: She woke herself up?
Sean: Yesssss…..aahhh, but, Will, she’s been dead two years and that’s the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you’re findin’ out that one is by givin’ it a shot.

So, here are some specific answers to your questions:

Yes, physical/sexual attraction can develop over time – for both males and females although this may be a more common process for females.
Yes, some sort of physical/sexual attraction is important for marriage. However, it is important to not have this be THE most important aspect of your relationship.
I would not marry a person hoping for something to change later (it doesn’t matter what that “something” is). If you’re not happy with the person or the relationship as it currently stands – then move on. Too many people try to “change” their partner in some shape or form after marriage and this is an intimacy killer from the get go.
However, it is appropriate to move into a courtship or dating relationship with someone to see if certain feelings develop. This isn’t being “dishonest” – it’s about exploring possibilities. That’s what dating is supposed to be about – a trial relationship where both can see if things should move forward or not. If they don’t you will both still have learned about the qualities and traits you are ultimately looking for.

I wish you the very best in the fun, exciting and sometimes heartbreaking process we call courtship. May you find your love partner and move on to the most exciting adventure of all: marriage!

Here are some articles that you may find useful.

Living in a Social World

The Biology of Attraction

What’s the Attraction: Look to society,biology, not ‘logic’

Agency and Love in Marriage

I leave you with some all powerful logic from When Harry met Sally that should clear things right up*.* 🙂

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Later on in the movie:

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?… Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that… Yes, that’s right, they can’t be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can… This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted… That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends.

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