How can I let go of these feelings of anger and betrayal?

Last updated on: October 14, 2012 at 9:51 pm by Natasha Helfer

How can I let go of these feelings of anger and betrayal? 2012-10-14T21:51:29-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I appreciate so much the posts you’ve done in the past about masturbation. This has been an area of difficulty for me my whole life – as a child and young woman because I constantly felt guilty that I could never stop completely, and now because I’m angry with church leaders (and church policy) for imposing this guilt on me.

When I was 14 and confessed to my bishop about my little problem, he informed me that my church membership would be in jeopardy if I didn’t stop. I was an intense kid and after that I often had nightmares that the Second Coming occurred and I hadn’t confessed about the latest slip-up, so I would be going to hell because I was so impure. I lived in fear that others would discover how disgusting I was. The fact that NO ONE ever talked about girls or women masturbating made it even worse – I was sure I was either a sexual deviant or a freak of nature. It was partly this view of myself that led me into some compromising situations as a young adult, which I now regret.

Recently my husband confided to me that in the months after his mission he was suicidal because his bishop (a different bishop than mine) was threatening him with a disciplinary counsel if he could not break his “addiction” to masturbation – at the time he was succumbing to temptation about twice a month. This same bishop also told him to break up with his current girlfriend (who he was in love with and who was also a member of their ward) because his unworthiness would drag her down. My husband is the most honest, compassionate person I have ever met, and thinking about this bishop makes me so mad I can’t see straight.

My struggle now is 1) how can I let go of these feelings of anger and betrayal? and 2) how can I make sure my young son doesn’t have the same experience my husband and I had?

I am very sorry to hear about the struggles you dealt with as a teen and how they in many ways came to define your self identity and sexuality. Unfortunately, this can be one of the negative side effects of the high expectations we place on our teens and single adults. I’m not saying that high expectations shouldn’t be a part of rearing our children. However, HOW we go about educating, discussing and normalizing the developmental phases our children are going through (especially sexual) is a pivotal and often overlooked or minimized parenting responsibility. The reason being is mainly due to the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings we as adults are still working on ourselves when it comes to the topic of sexuality. It is important to not only teach the ideal we strive for, but along with these:

the realities of the culture that surrounds us (religious, secular, family, etc.),
the messages they will receive from other sources we may not agree with,
how the atonement applies to our imperfections,
how the repentance process is truly supposed to work (helping us progress and free ourselves of emotional/spiritual pain rather than further the uselessness of ongoing, unnecessary guilt)
how Heavenly Father’s plan included agency and therefore, the possibility of sin (He knew we would all make and hopefully learn from our mistakes), and
the unconditional love all receive from a loving Heavenly Father regardless of the failures we may accrue.

So many times, the discussions well-intended parents/leaders have with children/adolescents focus 97% on the commandments/rules (the “shoulds” or “should nots”) and only 3% on what to do or how to handle when the commandments/rules are broken or not lived 100% correctly. Another mistake is focusing 97% on the dire consequences/justice that follows sin versus 3% on the concept of mercy. This is because we love our children – and so we are fearful for our children. We don’t want them to mess up, we usually know from experience that messing up hurts and can have dire consequences with long-lasting effects, we’re afraid that if we focus too much on the “it’s ok” part that it will give kids license to choose negative behavior, etc., etc. However, we are doing them a disservice when we don’t balance these messages more effectively.

I agree that female masturbation in our Mormon culture is hardly addressed, admitted to, or educated about because it is such a taboo subject (even out of our Mormon culture it is hardly addressed). Many women (especially religious) are uncomfortable with the topic. And yet, research shows that half of teenage girls masturbate regularly, and 75 percent will do so before their 18th birthdays. By their 15th birthdays, close to 100 percent of males have masturbated to orgasm. However, most Mormon parents I have worked with are very much in denial that their children could be participating in masturbation. Because girls in our LDS culture are often not educated properly regarding masturbation, many of them are left feeling very much like you describe in your own adolescence: weird, sinful, unworthy, different, freaky, etc. Let’s please start talking to our daughters (and sons) about this issue in a loving and respectful manner!

The Statistics I quote above are taken from the following two websites. Although I believe there is much useful information on both of these websites, I do warn that not all of it is in accordance with our church’s beliefs or practices.

Healthy Strokes

Female Masturbation Statistics

I want to clarify that both situations you describe above (re you and your husband’s frequency of masturbation) would not be diagnosed as “addiction.” We routinely use this term incorrectly in our culture at large (similarly with terms such as depression and anxiety) and this is a disservice. There are certain “qualifications” or criteria that need to be met before these diagnoses can be officially made.

I write about my stance on bishops and their complicated roles in the following post. I make it clear that my stance is pro-bishop. But this doesn’t mean that bishops are perfect or that they can escape their own personal and cultural biases when giving counsel, advice, etc. I am sorry both you and your husband ended up having a negative experience in a setting that was meant to buoy you upwards rather than discourage or drag down. I am confident that the intentions of both of these bishops were more than likely to serve and help you- although the effects went unfortunately awry. Situations like these will test you in the areas of anger resolution, ability and willingness to use the tool of forgiveness, and not basing your testimony on experiences with people in the church but rather your relationship with God, scripture, and gospel precepts. After all, the atonement is not only to cover us when we need to ask for forgiveness, but also when we need help with the forgiving. This process will take time and effort but should hopefully resolve itself. It is helpful when we go through difficult and seemingly unfair situations to legitimately ask ourselves what we learned along the way, what we still have to learn and how others around us may benefit from our learning process (i.e. your son).

On a positive note, I am SO encouraged by the ability that you and your husband are demonstrating in beginning to open up to each other on a more vulnerable, honest level about your past experiences. So many couples keep this type of information secret due to the shame involved. This honesty process will bring more intimacy than you could ever hope for or imagine. You will be truly able to stand by each other in ways you had maybe previously envisioned being alone, misunderstood and/or hurt. The healing that can come from being truly one with spouse (in this instance emotionally and spiritually) is to be cherished and valued. Onward ho!

The best way you can ensure a healthy sexual lifestyle for your son is to educate him accordingly. As a parental team you should come together and decide how to use both church doctrine, correct anatomical terminology, and medical/psychological research to teach the things you deem necessary and appropriate for his success. This does not mean that you will not make mistakes, and this does not mean that he will not make mistakes. But this equation gives all of you the best rate of success. You have the right as parents in the church to discuss the “curriculum” per se that will be shared with your children regarding sexuality with church leaders and teachers (just like you would at school). However, you need to remain realistic that your child will not live in a bubble. Your child will come in contact with many different ideas regarding sexuality in all types of settings that you may or may not agree with (ranging from too rigid to too loose). This is why it is so important to open the lines of communication regarding this important subject in childhood and to keep it open throughout adolescence and even into young adulthood.

I wish you the very best as you move forward from here, hopefully enjoying your birthright as a daughter of God to cherish the roles you have with your self (sexually, emotionally, spiritually and physically), your husband and your child.

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