I have had thoughts of suicide…

Last updated on: September 24, 2009 at 11:37 pm by Natasha Helfer

I have had thoughts of suicide… 2009-09-24T23:37:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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You said, “There can often be a problem the teen has come across that they don’t know how to solve and hasn’t confided to another.” As an adult going through something that I don’t know how to solve in my marriage and am unable to share with those closest to me, I have had thoughts of suicide. Some days it seems it would solve all my problems, either that or divorce. I ask myself, what is worse? I am seeing a therapist, but it is not helping, yet. One thing that keeps me going is the thought of my daughter crying if I were gone and her saying she loves me.

I am so incredibly sorry that the despair in your life has reached the point where you have been contemplating taking your own life. I am directly pleading with you to not to do this. Here are some thoughts:

Whatever it is that you are facing, believe it or not, is solvable. And by “solvable” I don’t necessarily mean the ideal or culturally expected solution. Solutions can come in all types of definitions – the key is exploring what this will look like for you. A big piece of this will depend on your beginning to communicate about your problem(s). And if you can’t do that with those whom you are close to at this point, it is perfectly reasonable to begin this process with your therapist or even through an anonymous venue like this one. Please feel free to use this blog as often as necessary!
Without question, divorce is a better alternative than suicide. Without question!!
I’m relieved to see that your daughter is helping you stay motivated towards living rather than dying. You are correct that she would miss you terribly. You are an important and needed force in her life and she does love you. As a parent, you are at the very center of her universe. Many times people think that they will only be making it easier for their loved ones by taking their own lives. However, research shows again and again that the ramifications for the family members (especially children) of suicide victims are devastating and long-lasting. Use the love you have for this sweet girl as the strength you need to overcome whatever it is you are facing.
Have you considered or are you taking an anti-depressant? Many times medication can be a temporary or even long-term solution that can help boost you out of the throws of deep clinical depression. This should be something you are discussing with your therapist and/or primary physician. You may even want to consider seeing a psychiatrist.
I am wondering if you have moved from contemplating suicide to actually formulating a plan as to how you would do it. If you have, then you are treading on dangerous ground. Muster up the courage to share this plan with your therapist. And then take the steps necessary to not have the things necessary handy (i.e. have someone else temporarily keep any guns you may own, take the pills you have in your home and have someone else keep them for a time, etc.).
Your therapist can help you formulate what I call a “life contract.” This is a contract you make with him/her that helps you have a plan as to what you should do if the desire to commit suicide becomes overwhelming. It should include phone numbers of people you can call when you’re feeling suicidal as well as places you can go or things you can do. Usually the impulsive drives that lead to suicide subside over time, so the strategy of just waiting them out can be useful. 1-800-273-TALK is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you can call any time of day or night to speak with a crisis center. It is free and confidential.
If worse comes to worse, get yourself to the nearest emergency room and ask to be admitted. You can call 911 and they will come get you.
Therapy can take time to have noticeable positive effects. Change can be a slow and difficult process – especially when dealing with depression or other long-term problems. But if you have been to therapy for 4-6 sessions and you are not seeing any progress or feeling more hopeful, it may be time to find a new therapist.
Please feel free to use me as a resource. You can find my email address under my profile information if you would like to contact me directly (please don’t let concern over payment stop you). I work solo, so I do not provide emergency services (in other words, I’m not available 24/7). But I would get back to you within a day.

I hope this doesn’t sound preachy or simplistic, but I can’t help but remind you of the tremendous love God has for you. You are His child. His baby. He does not want this level of pain and hopelessness for you. Please try and tap into this knowledge. Give Him a chance to perform a miracle in your life. Put aside religious interpretation if you must and only tap into His love and mercy for you. I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done or what has been done to you that must seem so astoundingly overwhelming – it does not need to be the end of your mortal existence. You are of worth. You hold divinity within you. You are needed. And you are loved. Please choose to live!

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