How am I supposed to forget and forgive?

Last updated on: August 21, 2009 at 8:49 am by Natasha Helfer

How am I supposed to forget and forgive? 2009-08-21T08:49:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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My spouse had a very active sexual past and I waited until marriage. My spouse was not honest with me prior to marriage and I did not find out about the past until a year into the marriage.

My spouse now likes limited sexual activity and it is very routine. I am interested in more (often and variety – which I am reminded is a common problem). It has become a problem. My spouse simply says the things suggested are not really that fun, which becomes hurtful. I am then reminded that it is part of their past and what makes them who they are.

First, how am I supposed to forget and forgive if things are constantly being brought back to my attention? Second, how am I supposed to get over my “desires” which lead me to resentment (I saved everything to share with you but you are unwilling to share with me because you have been there – done that).

Yes, you are correct in stating that it is common for many couples to struggle with issues regarding sexual frequency and even the type of sexual activity to have. It is also correct that both of your pasts are very much a part of who you are and what you have to bring to the marriage. However, neither of these mean that you or your spouse have to settle for things as they currently stand (especially if things are not working or causing resentment).

I’m encouraging the two of you to begin some very open and frank discussions regarding the following:

What were the things that stood in the way of sexual openness and honesty at the beginning of the relationship? Was your spouse feeling inadequate or shamed coming into the marriage with previous sexual experience? Was there fear that the relationship would be lost?
What was it like to disclose this information after a year of marriage? What was it like for you to hear these things? What have the ramifications (both positive and negative) been following the disclosure? In what ways has the honesty brought you closer together? In what ways has it caused a wedge or damaged trust? Is fear still part of the equation?
What did the repentance process for your spouse look like? Was there a repentance process? Has your spouse forgiven self for previous mistakes? My hunch is that continued underlying guilt regarding the past could very well be coloring and negatively affecting your spouse’s ability to currently enjoy and explore their sexuality.
In each of your point of views, what would the ideal sexual relationship between you look like? What is standing in your way of getting there? What expectations did you have coming into marriage about sexuality? What are your sexual strengths as a couple right now? What are your weaknesses?
How do you discuss the past in a way that is not continuing to open wounds but at the same time, does not break down the honesty and lines of communication you’ve already achieved? What would be some healthy boundaries around this topic?

In addition to discussing these types of questions, I encourage you to make the following types of statements (or get to the point where you would feel comfortable making them):

“It was hurtful to find out about your sexual past. It made it even more difficult because you waited until after we were married a year to tell me.”
“Finding out about this has caused the following thoughts and/or feelings…. (i.e. anxiety, feeling compared to other partners, sadness, or whatever it is that it has caused for you).
“However, I love you and I want you. I know we both came into this marriage imperfectly and I am really glad you were able to muster up the courage to tell me the truth. I’m sure this was difficult and maybe embarrassing but you’ve opened up a new honesty between us. As long as we continue down this path of honesty, even when it hurts, there is no limit to what we can achieve.”
“This is now what I need from you: I do not want your past sexual experiences to dictate what our sexual experience is going to look like. If you are dealing with unresolved guilt, shame or whatever from things that you did, then we need to deal with that head on. We may need to talk to our bishop or go see a therapist or whatever. I want our sex life to be everything it can be with nothing standing in the way of our potential as a couple. I want to be comfortable initiating sex. I want you to be comfortable initiating sex. I want to explore what feels good for both of us. I want to try different positions. I want to have fun. I don’t want to feel limited in how I physically love you. I want this to be about you and me – not you and your past.”

I would encourage professional help to deal with these issues in the most effective way possible. Open, loving and respectful communication is going to be your biggest tool.

As far as the forget and forgive part, turn it over to the Lord. That’s what the atonement is for – He’ll take care of it for you. Try to remember that it is not your place to forgive your spouse for their past sexual activity – this was not something done TO you and it is something best left between your spouse and their relationship with God. I know it can be difficult to not feel resentment and even anger towards a spouse that did not come to the marriage in the same sexual standing as one who waited for this special experience. But these feelings can cause great turmoil in a relationship and I caution against them. Do whatever needed to overcome them and gain peace for yourself. Couples are most apt to bloom and flourish when both feel acceptance, respect, admiration and love from the other. Ultimately we all need to ask the pivotal question, “Am I an edifier of my spouse, or do I tear him/her down?”

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