Follow up on “Can you help me find ways to feel sexually fulfilled?”

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm by Natasha Helfer

Follow up on “Can you help me find ways to feel sexually fulfilled?” 2012-09-24T22:44:42-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am the original poster of this question and I’d like to answer the questions you asked me.

When I said I masturbated frequently, I’d say probably once a week.

To me, constantly wanting to have sex means I find myself trying to initiate sex every other day or every three days. I think the longest we’ve ever gone without sex is four or five days. When answering this question, the first thing that came to mind as a definition for “constantly wanting sex” is continually asking for it when I know my husband isn’t in the mood.

My husband does know about my past sexual history. He has a similar history and he is fine with it. We had a conversation early on in our marriage where we both said that we’re married to each other, we love each other and we only have sex with one another-therefore past sexual encounters don’t matter.

My husband’s sexual history is actually longer than mine is.

As far as I can tell, he’s perfectly comfortable when I initiate sex. I suppose I feel like I’m the one who needs it more because he hardly ever initiates it; “partly because [he] never has a chance!” [in his own words]

The topic of sexuality and sex in general is easily discussed, but things tend to get quiet or awkward when we start to talk about this one particular topic. [my feeling like I push my sexual needs on him.]

He was raised in a very conservative home and I can’t imagine sex being discussed openly, but I don’t know for sure. I was raised in a home where sex was utterly taboo. My parents expressed love towards one another, they kissed and hugged and sloppily made out when they knew we were looking just to gross us out. But we never had “sex talks”. I learned about sex from friends or the internet and never felt comfortable asking my parents about it. My father especially hated to talk about anything having to do with his daughter in a sexual light, even so far as to ask for a new topic in conversation when my sister and I were discussing bras or periods within his earshot.

On the few occasions when I have brought this up with my husband, he quietly admits to feeling pressured occasionally, but always stresses that he loves me and wants to make me happy and is willing to put in the effort to do so, even if he isn’t in the mood. This isn’t to say that I’m a sex dictator and every time I want it, I get it. We compromise. Sometimes he says ‘can we reschedule for tomorrow night? i’m tired.’ and I never complain. There have been times when I’ve done the same to him.

We had a conversation the other day about his libido and I asked him if he’s always been this disinterested in sex and he said that he had never experienced such a low sex drive. We are beginning to think this may be a hormonal problem of some kind.

OK, so here are some thoughts:

With the information you’ve provided, I was correct in assuming that you do not qualify as a “sex addict” nor is your sexual drive abnormal in any shape or form. Wanting to have sex every other day to every 2-3 days falls under a normal range. In fact many newlyweds go through a phase where they have sex every day (even several times a day) for a few weeks or even months. Having sex once a week and even once every 2 weeks still falls under the norm. A “sexless marriage” is usually considered one where a couple has less than 10 sexual encounters a year. However, it is estimated that about 1/3 of married couples struggle with different levels of libido. Therefore, although they still fall under the “normal” range of sexual encounters, these differences can cause both real and perceived challenges that can in turn affect the marriage as a whole.
Some positive things you have going for you- 1. You guys are communicating! 2. You guys are compromising! 3. You guys have adopted a healthy attitude about your past sexual experiences. 4. Even though your parents never spoke to you about sex directly, at least they were able to give you an example of expressing physical affection. 5. You are both inclined to initiate sex (many women don’t feel comfortable in this role). 6. You love each other!
As far as compromise in the sexual department- I encourage couples in your situation to get creative. There are times when it is fine to say “not tonight”. There are other times when even though one is not necessarily “in the mood” they still want to provide for their partner’s sexual desire. For whatever reason, it is culturally more acceptable for women to have the lower sex drive. Solutions for this that may seem simple for her if she feels like meeting the sexual need of her husband is to offer a “quickie” or oral sex (fellatio). Although she may not orgasm this particular time, it can still offer a sense of bonding and shared love. It is not as commonly discussed what a man should do or offer when he’s the one with a lower sex drive or cannot maintain an erection long enough for his partner to orgasm. Cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman) is an option for men as well as being present for or aiding in her masturbation.
As far as comparing sex drives now that the two of you are married, to the sex drives you had previously – you need to know that it is normal to experience differences. Especially within the moral context of our religious culture, sexuality among LDS singles looks and feels significantly different once married. Sexual awareness is almost heightened since singles are to stay away from sexual experience. Even if singles are being sexually active, their underlying feelings of guilt, shame, joy, rebellion, etc. that may go along with this behavior ultimately colors the experience they are having – which in turn can affect sexual drive. Unfortunately one of our human tendencies is that when things are forbidden they can seem more tempting or desirable. Therefore, the feeling of being “naughty” can create a drive or excitement that once married is no longer there. This may be part of the reason why your husband feels he had a higher sex drive before being married. However, I fully encourage you to rule out any medical/hormonal factors that could also be playing a role.
I wonder if you’d be willing to experiment and see how long it would take for your husband to initiate sex twice in a row (without telling him so as not to put pressure on). This might give you a better understanding of how often his natural drive surfaces. Then you both would have a better sense of what type of libido difference you are dealing with. If you’ve gone without initiating for 2 to 3 weeks and he still hasn’t approached you, then you may have some concerns seeing how your libido is much stronger than this. When your experiment is over, let him know the results and have a discussion surrounding your new information.
Again, I encourage getting a professional therapeutic and/or medical opinion if this issue continues to be problematic. I would be available through phone sessions (even videoconference) if this is an option you would find useful.

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