Doesn’t this infringe on his honesty?

Last updated on: August 31, 2009 at 8:26 am by Natasha Helfer

Doesn’t this infringe on his honesty? 2009-08-31T08:26:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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What I’ve found is that talking about it (not too much or often so I sound like a nag) with my husband has worked out. I was 19 when I married my then 27 year-old previously divorced husband. Of course I knew he had a lot of sexual experience, and he told me that he felt gross when we compared notes on our sexual history. He actually didn’t want to finish giving his.

Now, I’m 22, he’s almost 30, and I want to do it more often than he does, but because we’ve talked and agreed that we both need to be satisfied we use “adult toys” together, once in a while. It makes it so that he doesn’t feel so pressured, and he quite enjoys pleasuring me, too.

I’ve never talked about this to anyone, but I like it. I like that he cares enough to make sure I enjoy sex, too. Because it’s true that the man always ejaculates (orgasms) and the woman not so much.

Anyway, sex is just one part of our lives, and it doesn’t consume our time as much as say family time, or going out or hanging out, making each other laugh. I did hate that he had such an active sex life, but I loved him and that didn’t change this fact. He doesn’t think about ex-girlfriends, or the ex-wife when he’s with me, so really, I moved on a long time ago.

It would be bad if he brought them up, especially if he did it when I was trying to initiate some sexual intimacy, but he doesn’t. If he did, I would tell him that it bothered me, or made me feel insecure, and like I shouldn’t ask (which shouldn’t be; spouses should be completely honest). But then doesn’t that infringe on his honesty? I don’t think so. I think he should move on, too, from his past. He should make these memories with you. Or at least let you experience what you want to experience. It isn’t as if doing it with someone else is an option. He should be sensitive, but you should be sensitive too. Don’t constantly nag that you hate his past. He can’t change it. Nobody can change it. So if you don’t like it, just don’t dwell on it so much. If you gently openly communicate this to your spouse, you can always work something out.

Thank you for your comments on what has helped you deal with similar feelings and a similar situation.

As far as your question regarding honesty, you don’t have to share every sorted detail of your sexual past to be “honest.” In fact, sharing too many details can be detrimental in that it can take a spouse a long time to get over the pain and visualization that tends to take place in these circumstances.

My advice would be to keep it simple and keep it somewhat generic. A spouse or a fiancee have the right to know if one has been sexual (this includes oral sex) previous to being married, with how many partners one has been sexually active with, if there has been any history of sexually transmitted disease, and if there has been a “repentance process” that took place. Any more detail than that is truly not necessary. Couples can share more if they are both comfortable but both parties need to be prepared not to use this type of information against the other in times of conflict and they also need to be mature enough not to let this information come between them in the bedroom. The purpose of this type of disclosure is to heighten the sense of a couple’s intimacy with openness, loving communication, acceptance and a better knowledge of where the other comes from.

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