Does this mean I don’t truly love him?

Last updated on: August 5, 2009 at 8:41 pm by Natasha Helfer

Does this mean I don’t truly love him? 2009-08-05T20:41:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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You have much to say on the subject of staying together despite struggles. This is ours- we were both believing LDS members married in the temple. Now my husband no longer believes and has begun to drink and have what I think are very different views on life, goals, etc. than he did when we were married. In some ways I feel he is a different person. I do not share his views and do not want some of the lifestyle changes that he wants. His personality is the same and he still loves me and our child. But I am having a very painful and difficult time coming to terms with this change. We have discussed divorce, but he thinks we can make it work. He thinks our life will be better and richer because of our differences and what we can teach our child. I am haunted daily by the “d” word, and all the other difficulties we have between us- difference in personality and upbringing seem to be 10x worse to me. He seems happier than ever, liberated by new things he seems to be learning, but I feel I would be happier without him. Is it because I want us to be the same? I chose him because of the wonderful person he is, but also because of his common beliefs and lifestyle. Now that is gone, does that mean I don’t truly love him? I don’t want some of the things that he wants in my life. How can we live together happily, but so differently. How can I change my paradigm? Often I just think it would be better to be alone where I wouldn’t have to worry about what he chooses to do. What kind of therapy would help me?

I have written some posts regarding this type of situation in the past that could be beneficial for you to read:

Why don’t we give the same emphasis to love?

Is it too extreme to consider separating because my husband started drinking?

Do you have any suggestions on how I could soften his heart?

How do I find a non-LDS therapist who understands my values?

What should I do when my spouse is ok with drinking alcohol and I am not?

What happens when one spouse has become a liberal mormon and the other still believes in the doctrine?

The best kind of therapy you can seek, if I’m assuming you want to stay married, is marital therapy. A good marriage therapist will integrate both couple and individual sessions to get the best results that take both of your needs, feelings and thoughts into account. It will be the avenue you need to challenge your paradigm as you so eloquently put it. The things you would want to work on during this type of therapy are:

Fantasy Marriage Grieving: This is what I call the work that focuses on letting go of the fantasies and/or unrealistic expectations regarding the ideal marriage we all dream of having prior to actually being married.
Reparative Work: This is the work where we ask for or offer up forgiveness for the hurts that have been dealt out thus far. Open communication and the willingness to listen and be vulnerable are pivotal in this step.
Marital Redefinition: This is the work where you redefine what your marriage can and will look like in the future – where realistic expectations are developed and nurtured. Collaboration and compromise are important factors here. This is also where the parental piece is looked at in depth.
Generational Work: Looking at both negative and positive patterns that have been passed down the family tree that could be negatively affecting or could be used as a resource to the current situation.
Positive Affirmation Work: Taking a look at the many strengths that are held both individually and as a couple. These are recognized, listed and used as resources for the future.

Marriage is an adventure. Like all worthwhile adventures there are times when your breath is taken away by the view and others when you are stuck in the mud by the side of the road with a flat tire. If both people are willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work, the adventure can continue onward towards destinations one never thought possible. This does take mutual willingness.

As far as “love,” my opinion is that our perception of this term can be a fickle thing. It is easy to “fall” or feel “in love” when things are going well, when our expectations are being met, or when our hormones are raging. Everything I have learned about “true love” from scripture, literature, research and personal experience is that it becomes true, deep and meaningful after having gone through some type of trial, struggle or tribulation. It is when you can look at another that you know you have made personal sacrifice for and still feel connected that “true love” comes into play. This is why you hear successful couples speaking of a process of falling deeper in love the longer they are together: they’ve jointly weathered storms, they’ve learned to rely on the other, they continue to get to know each other better, they have been through ups and downs, etc.

It is normal for you to be upset right now, under the circumstances. It is also normal for you to be questioning your feelings for your husband, for your marriage and for yourself. I just challenge you to use this as an opportunity to see what you and your husband can achieve together rather than throw in the towel just yet. The fact that you already have a child together also plays a large role in this advice.

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