What do I do when my spouse refuses any form of intimacy?

Last updated on: July 21, 2009 at 10:05 pm by Natasha Helfer

What do I do when my spouse refuses any form of intimacy? 2009-07-21T22:05:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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What is an appropriate response when your spouse absolutely refuses any form of intimacy?
After our last child was conceived — 9 years ago 00 my wife announced she wouldn’t have any physical relationship with me anymore. And, she has enforced it: no sex, no kissing and virtually no touching.
She said she didn’t like it and I was selfish if I didn’t let her stop.
I’ve tried to talk to her over and over. She refuses to even discuss it (she claims many of her friends have done the same thing to their husbands). I’ve proposed counseling. She said absolutely not. I’ve explored whether there was sexual abuse in her background — and gotten no where.
I’ve approached church leaders. They say it is just a phase.
One thought I have had is that she has built alternatives to our relationship. My wife is heavily involved in the ward and community. I think she likes those things far more than me.
I’ve repeatedly attempted to rebuild the relationship with date nights, hobbies, etc. Not one ounce of progress.
About 7 years ago, she moved to another bedroom. We haven’t slept in the same room since.
I hate this. I resent her. I resent the relationship that is gone. I’m intensely sexually frustrated. I’ve experienced severe depression.
I underwent counseling (by an LDS counselor) a few years ago. His recommendation was to just leave.
My thought now is to wait until the kids are raised (another 10 years) and then leave.
Do you have any suggestions or thoughts?

What you are describing is a very difficult situation. Here are a few thoughts:

Nine years is NOT a phase.
It is AS selfish to expect NO physical intimacy with one’s spouse (long-term), as it is to push physical intimacy ONTO a spouse.
It is not appropriate behavior to tell a spouse that after all children are conceived there will no longer be a physical relationship within the couplehood.
It is not appropriate for ANY spouse to expect to remain married (almost as something to take for granted) while refusing to seek help or change the status quo when things are significantly dysfunctional.
I am not aware of any worldwide trend within the LDS community where lots of sisters are telling their husbands that they will no longer be physically intimate with them. This is just not so.

Keeping all of this in mind, you have little to no control over your spouse. So here are a few more thoughts:

The inability for the two of you to work through your sexual conflicts has most definitely trickled into other areas of your relationship (i.e. you state that you resent her, you find yourself depressed, you are considering divorce, etc.). So this is no longer just a “sex” issue. It has infiltrated the rest of your relationship and you have a right to take action.
If your intent is to leave your wife, waiting until the children are older will not necessarily protect them from the negative effects of having parents divorce. In fact, the latest research shows that adult children are still very much affected by this type of decision (see Adult Children of Divorce by Victoria Anisman-Reider). And children often state that they knew their parents would divorce and wonder why they waited so long to do it as everyone suffered along the way. The marital/problem-solving skills provided when a couple is just “waiting it out” can be severely lacking in helping children have positive role-models for their own future marriages. I am not advocating that you get a divorce, but this is not the reason you should stay married. Children can serve as a motivator to get the help you need as a couple, so using them as an excuse at first can be healthy. It just doesn’t want to be your overall reason to stay temporarily married, with an escape plan in place as soon as they move out.
I am wondering if your wife is aware that your marital status is in danger? Have you both had a sit-down discussion regarding the possibility of divorce, what this scenario would look like, etc.? Many times looking at the possibility straight on can be a wake up call and bring the couple into more serious awareness of what they might be facing. It’s important to understand that divorce often brings about many problems not previously foreseen that can complicate life for the entire family.
I encourage you to view the video of Elder Oaks addressing the issue of divorce where he speaks to people who have experienced divorce and “whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants, or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period.” He flat out calls this “abuse.” I find his wording to be carefully thought-through and inspired. He also goes on to encourage all those who are considering divorce to do all they can to remedy the issues at hand through repentance, becoming less selfish, etc. Ultimately, the call on whether or not you will divorce your wife falls squarely on your and/or her shoulders.
If you decide to stay married, your main focus should stay on the only thing you have control over: yourself. You provide many good examples of things you have been trying and should continue to try (i.e. reaching out to your wife, continuing to try to open the communication barrier, finding things in common that you both enjoy like dating or hobbies, going to therapy- even if it’s by yourself, etc.). Consider that if you find yourself in a situation where your spouse is unable to fulfill the needs you have, how can you go about doing this for yourself (i.e. developing your own hobbies, joining a club where you can make new friends, activities with your children that bring you joy, service through the church or your community, getting appropriate treatment for your depression, etc.)? If you divorce, you have no guarantee that you will remarry and find the companionship you are seeking with another person, so it’s a good idea to know how to meet many of your own needs anyway.

If I was working with you I would want to know the following:

Are you aware of the reasons your wife has made this decision (i.e. is she mad at you, low self-esteem, is this doctrinal for her, etc.)?
Did you two always struggle with your physical intimacy?
Did she EVER enjoy physical intimacy with you?
Was there ever a time when sex was good for both of you?
What was your dating experience with her like?
What other items of conflict are going on between the two of you?
When did you both really begin to struggle within the marriage? What changed?
What did the marriages of both of your parents look like?
Did sex start the problems or did other problems start affecting the sex?
Are there issues you need to ask forgiveness for in the marriage? If so, would you be willing taking into account the feelings of resentment you currently have?
What are your reasons for currently staying married?

It is painful to see members like you struggling with such difficult situations. The ideal of course, is that the two of you would be willing to revisit your entire relationship and start anew on a healthier journey where both could find love and acceptance from the other. This would take dedication, hard work and a willingness to be vulnerable. And this is what Heavenly Father would want for both of you. However, you can’t force another to take that journey with you. And in the end, you will need to decide if and how you will walk the road you’re currently on. I wish you the very best.

Some previous blogs I’ve written that you may find useful are:

How can I get my husband to see his priorities are not in line?

Is it too extreme to consider separating…?

I don’t want to break up my family…

Suffering in silence…

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