How important is orgasm really?

Last updated on: July 27, 2009 at 11:18 am by Natasha Helfer

How important is orgasm really? 2009-07-27T11:18:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I’m 30 years old, and have now been married 5 years, and no matter how amazing the sex, no matter how into we both are, how much we love it, I don’t orgasm. At least not in any recognizable way.
Sex is amazing, we enjoy it frequently, we’re equal instigators, (well, I’m a little less so since having two kids, but in general I’m as into the idea of having sex as my sweet husband). We have so much fun together, and are really connected sexually and in every aspect of our lives. I feel I couldn’t have met a better partner for me if I had looked my entire life.
For awhile, after the first year of marriage or so, I got ‘hung up’ on the idea of orgasming. It actually started to take a toll on our love life, as we would have amazing sex, and I would end up crying because I’d ‘failed’ again, and my husband would feel awful that he wasn’t able to ‘get me there.’ I finally realized one day that I enjoyed sex immensely, I found it satisfying and enjoyable. And that was enough.
Everyone once in awhile now (like I could count my orgasms on one hand), I have what I believe to be an orgasm (it kinda seems like what I’ve heard described, but by no means seems something extraordinary). I enjoy the sensation, but it is no better or worse that any other good sex we have. But, for the most part, no matter how enjoyable, how intense, how amazing, the sex is, I don’t orgasm. I’m more satisfied with my sex life than I could have ever hoped to be, so it just feels unnecessary to worry about this, or to make myself and my husband feel ‘less than’ or that this aspect of our sex life isn’t what ‘it’s supposed to be.’
Every once in awhile though, I hear or read something about the necessity of female orgasm in a relationship, and I start to worry again. How important is it really? Sometimes I get struck with this feeling of ‘I’m missing out on something’ or that there must be something wrong with our sex life that I don’t orgasm. Again, I wonder just how important is it really?

(Oh, and as a side note: times when we were really trying to bring me to a point of orgasm, it made sex less satisfying, because it wasn’t just about us being together, it had a ‘purpose’ that seemed futile. For awhile, when we would really be working towards getting me to orgasm I would get so close to feeling like I would actually orgasm, it was almost overwhelming and overpowering, and all of the sudden my left foot would painfully spasm and cramp up, and that would effectively end the attempts towards orgasm. I used to ‘joke’ with my husband that I must orgasm in my foot, because that intense feeling was the only intense feeling we ever seemed to reach. Is that something you’ve ever heard of? Yet, other times we wouldn’t even think about orgasm, just enjoy ourselves, and I would feel so happy and ‘blissed out’ afterwards, but with no feeling during sex of orgasming. Which is what had me commenting on this post in the first place, I too have always wondered if I was having some kind of ‘invisible’ or just less intense orgasm, where I wasn’t even noticing it happening, yet was enjoying the benefits of it hormonally and with a sense of well being.)

I found the following excerpt on ecureme.com:

...it should be kept in mind that a woman’s sexual satisfaction is not dependent totally on orgasm alone, but can be enhanced by psychological factors and emotional exchange during intercourse. In other words, the frequency of sexual encounters or the number of orgasms is less important than the closeness of the personal relationship. In conclusion, the most effective treatment for sexual problems is establishing a close emotional relationship with one’s partner.

A successful sexual relationship can be defined in many diverse ways. It sounds to me like you are way ahead of the game regarding the description of your sexual experience with your husband. You describe both you and your husband having a close and mutually satisfying sexual and emotional relationship. So I wouldn’t get caught up in the fact that you don’t seem to experience orgasm as would be expected. What is most “important” is the closeness and satisfaction you already describe.

You are right when you say that getting into the mode of “trying too hard” can sometimes have the opposite effect when couples feel like failures or “less than” in their sexual abilities. Although I don’t by any means discourage a couple to address any sexual issues they feel they may have, I do encourage couples to do this in a way that does not elicit anxiety, low self-esteem and/or blame. Because all of these things will have the opposite effect the couple is hoping for.

It also sounds like as you continue to relax and enjoy your sexuality, you may be having a few more experiences that come close to or actually achieve orgasm. You may find that just with the continuation of good sex and a good emotional connection with your husband, that orgasm may happen more often. And it is true that orgasms can range from very mild to very intense. The main thing that defines an orgasm is a build up of sensation and then a release at the end of the stimulation (i.e. think of a sneeze where there is a tickling feeling in your nose that builds up to the actual release of the sneeze itself – after the sneeze is over the tickling sensations are gone).

Experiencing foot, leg, back, or shoulder cramps during sex is not uncommon due to the fact that sex is basically a form of exercise. And as we twist, turn, stretch or put pressure on certain parts of our bodies, our muscles may respond by contracting in a cramp. And this can be more common as people approach orgasm because as you get closer to climax your body is expending more physical energy (like a sprinter doubling over at the end of a race). Women in particular are usually stretching and pulling their pelvic area towards their husbands so their clitoris has the best chance for stimulation and subsequent orgasm- they are usually using their feet, back, arm and leg muscles to do this. If this becomes a persistent problem you may want to check with your obgyn or primary physician because I’ve heard that cramps can be tied to such things as birth control, zinc deficiencies, diet, dehydration, etc.

Here are a few more suggestions:

I would encourage you to discuss this issue with your obgyn or primary physician, if you already haven’t, because many sexual disorders for women can have a medical/hormonal foundation. And if this is the case, it doesn’t matter what you or your husband try, you will not have success.
You may already be doing this, but I would encourage you and your husband to explore different sexual positions. Many women have much more success reaching orgasm when they are on top than in the classic “missionary” position.
If you continue to question your sexual experience, even though you consider yourself sexually satisfied, you may consider seeing a sex therapist just as a way to gain more information or insight. You could see it as a “date” activity and just see where it leads, enjoying some quality time together in a different context than attending a concert or going to a movie. You never know what fun or useful things you could both uncover. Since you and your husband are already so close, you may experience better results than most.

Good luck and keep enjoying yourselves!

You might find this article from Marriage Partnership.com useful as well:

What Every Woman Needs to Know about Sexual Satisfaction

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