Do you have any suggestions on how I could soften his heart?

Last updated on: July 6, 2009 at 8:53 pm by Natasha Helfer

Do you have any suggestions on how I could soften his heart? 2009-07-06T20:53:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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To give a little background, I was married in the temple about 8 years ago. My husband and I had a baby girl 16 months ago, and shortly after she was born my husband told me that he didn’t believe in the church and wanted nothing more do do with it. This struggle has been hard enough, but now my daughter is coming up on the age where she can start going to nursery. I’ve brought up this fact several times with my husband and asked him if he is against me taking her there, as well as I’d like to start saying nightly prayers with her. He won’t give me a straight answer because he knows how important it is to me, but I know his preference would be that I NOT take her to church with me and that I NOT pray with her. He has explained his concerns, and I understand where he’s coming from, but quite frankly this is not an area I’m willing to give up. I don’t want this to be a source of contention in our marriage, but I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to me that I do the best I can to raise my daughter with a gospel knowledge. There are so many wonderful things that the church can do for young children, but he seems focused on the “brainwashing.”

Do you have any suggestions on how I could soften his heart? Ideally I want him to support me in taking her to church and praying with her – I don’t want it to be a sore spot for him – but I’m not willing to let my daughter grow up without knowing what I believe.

Help.

I am sorry you are finding yourself in this difficult situation. The best way to get through this type of problem is using the incredibly useful tool of respectful yet firm communication. Delaying the conversation you and your husband need to have regarding the very important issue of how you plan to raise your daughter is not helpful to either of you. It is important for you to remember that you have just as much say on how you want your daughter raised as your husband does. Just like you are not going to be able to stop his influence and teachings, he will not be able to stop yours. The things I think are critical for the two of you to discuss include:

How have things changed from the original plans or expectations you both had at the time of marriage? How have these changes affected your relationship: not only in the area of parenting, but in other areas of your emotional intimacy as a couple.
What are doctrinal, “Christian,” and/or moral teachings you both still agree with? In other words what is your common ground? Write as many of these down and add to them as more come to mind. Many times these can be numerous and still provide children a sense of moral direction within parental unity. These can also be the topics focused on during such things as family home evenings, family discussions, etc.
Just as you explained to me, you can discuss openly with your husband the difficulty of having opposing drives- the desire to respect him and not cause tension in the home and the desire to teach your child/children the beliefs of your faith. Your willingness to be open and forthcoming should always be useful. Be willing to listen to his issues as well with an open heart. It sounds like he is willing to compromise since he is not adamantly refusing the things you are asking. Neither one of you are completely going to get “your way” in this scenario. But you should be able to reach an understanding you are both at least comfortable with.
Be direct in how you plan to move forward. “I realize I cannot change the way you feel. For the sake of our marriage and because I love you, I am willing to respect your decisions. However, you cannot expect me to follow this path you are on. It was not a path we agreed to take together. In fact, you are taking a different path than that which we agreed to take. I am willing to compromise by going to church by myself and taking on the responsibilities of teaching our kids the gospel I hold to be true. All I ask is your support in this endeavor by not belittling my efforts (i.e. telling the kids they don’t have to go to church, putting me in difficult positions where I have to defend the church, etc.). I also hope you will be willing to teach and exemplify the many things we still agree on. I am willing to have family discussions with the children as they grow older that include your positions, as long as we can discuss these things respectfully and without drama or anger.”

If the two of you are unable to have these types of conversations in a way that prove productive, I would recommend including a professional therapist to help you navigate through these discussions.

As you begin the process of attending church on your own, it can be useful to reach out to other members who are in similar situations. Faceseast.org is a useful website as well as finding members in your same ward or stake.

I have several previous posts you may also find useful.

I wish you the very best. I know many couples who are able to successfully raise their children even though they differ in theological beliefs. I am sure you both have much you can offer your daughter. The best thing you can offer her other than the gospel, is the example of a marriage where differences are treated with love, grace and respect. God speed.

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