Discussing sexual matters outside of marriage…

Last updated on: July 15, 2009 at 11:30 pm by Natasha Helfer

Discussing sexual matters outside of marriage… 2009-07-15T23:30:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I don’t wish to be critical of some of the statements made here, but I do wish to clarify the counsel we have been given regarding discussing our private sex lives with friends or family. The Church’s counsel has always been to not discuss sexual matters outside of marriage unless with a therapist or counselor if absolutely needed. Open sexual discussions where women and men allude to their friends or acquaintances what they have tried, what they do, how it is for them etc… is an apostate practice that we have been warned not to engage in. These are private matters and should be kept within the marriage — that is really the only respectful and tasteful way to handle this topic.

Comment:

So anything you disagree with is “apostate”? If two women talk about their sexual problems in their home that is “apostate”? If you don’t feel comfortable doing it don’t, but don’t use words you obviously don’t understand. Apostasy is an excommunicatable offense in the LDS church. There is a very specific definition of Apostasy, and it does not include talking about your sex life with a friend.

I understand the concern of wanting to make sure sexual matters are discussed in a respectful way, especially that will not offend a spouse. However, it is unrealistic to expect that sexuality will only be discussed within the marital relationship – especially in a culture as sexually charged as ours is. In fact, I believe that this type of rigidity can be harmful in certain situations especially if there is any type of abuse or controlling behavior taking place by one spouse to another. We need to be able to have resources available to us when we have legitimate questions or concerns, even sexual ones. What better place to go than a trusted friend, an older sister or brother, even a parent if one is comfortable enough? And if these people share our same LDS values, then even better. The reality is that most people will not go to a bishop, a therapist or even a doctor just for the purpose of getting sexual questions answered. Embarrassment and/or shame can get in the way.

As I have stated before, getting to a place where both spouses feel that their sex life is where they want it to be takes time, education, communication, patience, love, respect, etc. Many times, especially if the couple is young, they may not even be able to answer each other’s questions when brought up. What young husband knows how to help his wife if she is unable to know if she’s had an orgasm, has lubrication issues, or other such factors that affect mainly women? And the same goes for young wives being able to help their husbands regarding male issues they know little to nothing about. These can be situations where reaching out and asking questions can be perfectly appropriate and beneficial for both spouses. If we can’t talk about things, how are we going to find solutions and move forward?

On the flip side, I do caution against speaking disrespectfully of our spouses in any fashion, especially regarding sexual matters. Making fun of our spouses or belittling them in front of others is never appropriate. I hope members can use common sense and personal accountability to make these important distinctions.

Regarding the second comment, I agree that we want to be careful when using religiously charged words such as “apostate.” The following excerpt is taken from a talk by Andrew C Skinner called Apostasy, Restoration and Lessons in Faith (Ensign 1995).

W**e must be ever vigilant to ward off personal apostasy. The scriptures teach this powerful lesson to members of the Lord’s covenant community: reject the temptation to step into the limelight or gather a group of personal followers, and instead stay focused on the Brethren of the apostleship! Obey them; pray for them; support them; do not knowingly contradict them; resist the urge to become an “armchair prophet”—to preach or postulate on the direction the Church ought to take.

Although there are many ways “apostasy” is used, the term usually denotes the purposeful intent to lead other people away from the church or the intent to preside over some area of the church with no proper stewardship in place. And yes, these behaviors can lead to excommunication. I also agree that this term does not apply to the topic at hand.

As in m y l a s t p o s t , I am concerned with the tone in these comments becoming one of anger, misplaced judgment, and/or unnecessary reactivity. My hope is that we can disagree or challenge one another in a mutually respectful fashion as we discuss the variety of topics that come up on this blog. Thank you.

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