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Can you help me find ways to feel sexually fulfilled?

Can you help me find ways to feel sexually fulfilled?

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm by Natasha Helfer

Can you help me find ways to feel sexually fulfilled? 2012-09-24T22:41:41-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I’m a newlywed & have been struggling with this problem since we first got married: how do I fulfill my sexual needs without making my husband feel pressured?

Before I was married I would frequently masturbate, which lead to sticking my toes into the pool of pornography & eventually having premarital sex. Although I’ve repented of all of these sins, I still feel the constant urge to have sex.

I feel that my sexual needs are much higher than those of my husband, and he has even expressed this to me on several occasions. The LAST thing I want is for my husband to feel pressured to preform & I seem to be putting that pressure on him quite often. In the beginning I thought it was a “newlywed phase”, but we’ve been married for almost 7 months and it’s still continuing! I’m starting to worry that I may be a sex addict or something!

To be clear, my husband is a very giving person. He’s always concerned about both of us reaching climax and when I take a little longer, he has always put in the effort. So it’s not like I married a man who never wants to have sex-he just married a woman who ALWAYS wants to have sex.

Can you help me find ways to satiate my hunger & feel sexually fulfilled?

Just because you have a higher sex drive than your husband does not automatically make you a “sex addict” or weird in any way. One of the main problems for women that have stronger libidos than their husbands is that this does not fit our cultural expectation of how sex is supposed to look like between a couple. We usually work under the assumption that all men care about is sex and if they could, they would have sex as often as physically possible. This is just not the case. Libidos range in intensity for both men and women. However, these cultural perceptions can leave both men and women in the position of feeling inadequate and as if “something must be wrong with me.”

The goal would be for you and your husband to be able to discuss this issue openly and lovingly without either one of you feeling like your manhood or femininity are being challenged. Both of you need to be able to muster enough self confidence and esteem so that you don’t fall into a blame game with each other or start feeling badly about yourself just because you differ in libido. In fact couples usually do differ in libido. It’s nearly impossible to be 100% compatible in this area just due to the fact that you both have different bodies, hormones & psyches. And libido will change as you go through different developmental stages that include age, having children, etc. Just because you are the one that seems to need sex more often at this stage, does not mean that this will always be the case. And seven months is still pretty newlywed if you ask me – that’s just because I’ve been married much longer 🙂 It sounds like you have a husband that is willing to work with you and communicate with you about the subject which puts you way ahead in the game.

Some specific questions I would want to know if I was working with you:

What is your definition of having “frequently masturbated” (i.e. once a day, a week, a month)?
What does “constantly wanting to have sex” mean: once a day, several times a day, a week, etc.?
Does your husband know about your past sexual history? If so, how has he reacted to it? Is he threatened at all by your having had previous sexual experiences? This can be a common feeling for spouses who did not have sex before marriage due to fears of not measuring up or being compared to other sexual partners. And frankly, it can have an effect on their libido.
What is your husband’s sexual history?
Is your husband comfortable with you initiating sex?
Is this a topic that is easily discussed between the two of you, or not?
How was the issue of sexuality dealt within your homes of origin?
Does your husband say he’s feeling pressured or are you just assuming he feels this way?

If you find that you and your husband are having a hard time discussing this issue openly and in an environment that feels safe for both, then I would consider marital therapy. I would especially consider going if either one of you continue to feel like needs are not being fulfilled. I wish more newlyweds would consider this option early on so that they could avoid more long-lasting problems in the future.

The ideal situation for a couple to be in sexually is one of compromise. There should be times when the spouse with lower libido is willing to lovingly meet the sexual needs of the other even if that person knows they will not achieve orgasm or are not necessarily in the mood. There should also be times when the spouse with higher libido is willing to take a rain check and understand that the other is not into it at the moment.

Regardless of how you and your husband work this out, you will also need to find ways of fulfilling your own needs (whether physical or emotional). This can be done through exercise, hobbies, education goals, friendships, community and church activities, etc. We cannot rely on spouses to fulfill every single need we have. Learning how to manage personal anxiety when needs are feeling unfulfilled is a worthy goal we should all have.

It can feel extremely rejecting to be turned away sexually by a spouse. If a pattern ensues it can wreak havoc for the self-esteem of the spouse who is continually turned away. Again, ideally and in a loving relationship, being turned away sexually does not have to mean that one is unloved, unattractive or unworthy. It’s just difficult not to take these things personally. Again, open, honest and loving communication is the key to resolving these issues. It can highly behoove any couple to find other ways to express physical intimacy that don’t necessarily include intercourse (i.e. cuddling, holding hands, kissing without it leading to sex, massage, etc.). All of these can leave a couple still feeling close and connected even if sex was not the end result.

As a side note, I do want to clarify that masturbation does not necessarily always lead to pornography use or premarital sex. My main concern for you is that you seem to be giving yourself a hard time for past mistakes. You say you went through the proper repentance process of which I’m sure has brought great peace to your life. However, I hope that you’ve found true forgiveness for yourself. Blaming your previous problems for the current sexual relationship with your husband will not benefit either one of you.

You may find these previous posts helpful:

Can you provide informational postings helping LDS newlyweds?

This is what my wife and I found helpful:

Just for the sake of education, the following are the criteria to qualify for having a sexual addiction:

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction

By MICHAEL HERKOV, PH.D
December 10, 2006

While there is no official diagnosis for sex addiction, clinicians and researchers have attempted to define the disorder using criteria based on chemical dependency literature. They include:

-Frequently engaging in more sex and with more partners than intended.

-Being preoccupied with or persistently craving sex; wanting to cut down and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

-Thinking of sex to the detriment of other activities or continually engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

-Spending considerable time in activities related to sex, such as cruising for partners or spending hours online visiting pornographic Web sites.

-Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

-Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences, such as broken relationships or potential health risks.

-Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect, such as more frequent visits to prostitutes or more sex partners.

-Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

You may have a sex addiction problem if you identify with three or more of the above criteria. More generally, sex addicts tend to organize their world around sex in the same way that cocaine addicts organize theirs around cocaine. Their goal in interacting with people and in social situations is obtaining sexual pleasure.

Mark S. Gold, M.D., and Drew W. Edwards, M.S. contributed to this article.

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July 29, 2009

Follow up on "What do I do when my spouse refuses any form of intimacy?"

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August 3, 2009 How do you handle a spouse who is inactive and kids who love the Church?

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