My wife and I have never had much physical chemistry…

Last updated on: June 2, 2009 at 12:46 am by Natasha Helfer

My wife and I have never had much physical chemistry… 2009-06-02T00:46:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

My wife and I have never had much physical “chemistry”. We married more because we liked being with each other and because we admired each other. Now she believes I don’t find her attractive and is no longer interested in intimacy (and says she never has been). Nothing I do or say changes her mind. How can I get this sinking ship to float again?

It sounds like you and your wife have a wonderful foundation based on friendship. This can actually be a strength rather than a weakness. However, in a marriage you most definitely want to go beyond the realm of friendship to enter and enjoy the realm of being lovers. “Chemistry” is somewhat of a fallacy because there is no one magical source that brings couples sexually together. Obviously there are natural desires that we feel, especially during the beginnings of a relationship, but “chemistry” can develop over time as two people become closer and it also needs to be worked on as it can fade throughout the course of marriage. Here are some recommendations:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be as open and forthcoming as possible with your wife regarding your needs, your desires, your vision regarding what the two of you could become. Do this in a loving way. Be willing to be vulnerable with her with your feelings. Be willing to look at your own role in the problem as well. Be willing to listen.
Compliment, compliment, compliment. Assess your ability to woo, say sweet-nothings, point out her attributes. In essence, how are your romantic skills doing? And are you using them in ways that challenge you (in other words, trying the same things that haven’t worked in the past probably won’t work again)? Are you testing your creativity? Are you taking her on dates? Are you playful?
Invite her to start couples/sex therapy. Put a positive spin on it – for instance wanting to use your many strengths to achieve even more than what you currently have. If I was to work with you I would want to know how long you have been married, what your sexual life as a couple has looked like up to now, and how your sexuality was shaped even before you met. This would help assess the amount of work you are both up against. As already close friends, the process of becoming more intimate lovers can be a an exciting and enjoyable challenge.
One of the struggles for men (and/or women) who find themselves in marriages where their sexual needs are not met, is they can be tempted to turn to inappropriate means of sexual satisfaction (i.e. pornography, internet/phone sex, affairs, etc.). I can’t emphasize enough how essential it is to stay away from these things – not only for the obvious sake of your personal spirituality – but especially if your goal is to gain increased intimacy with your spouse. These things are intimacy, trust and honesty killers: all things needed for a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck on your sexual journey.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

June 1, 2009

I am suffering from situational arousal/anorgasmia disorder...

Next Post

June 3, 2009 Are there situations where celibacy might be appropriate within marriage?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was Ahab's wicked wife, notorious for her cruelty?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Abigail Michal Jezebel Athaliah