If I just keep trying to do the right thing, will I feel normal?

Last updated on: June 25, 2009 at 12:02 am by Natasha Helfer

If I just keep trying to do the right thing, will I feel normal? 2009-06-25T00:02:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I need to exercise. I spent many years in a physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abusive marriage. I work several jobs to support my children, including one on a mission. I have no family around. I feel like living this secret past doesn’t allow me to fit in with others. I attend the Temple regularly, do my V.T., teach relief society, help and serve others as much as possible. I feel like I am doing my best to be a valiant daughter of God. I’ve tried BYU counseling services but didn’t understand the purpose or where it was going. It seemed like all I did was explain what happened when my arm was broken, or hands burned, or how I was told my breasts were disgusting and after undergoing breast reconstruction how much it cost to have sex with me each time. What does counseling do? Will it teach me to feel normal, to fit in? I have no medical insurance. I stress about financially making it each month. I’m OK not feeling anything. I pretend. I love my children. I love the gospel. I just don’t love me. Eventually if I just keep trying to do the right thing will I feel normal?

Yes, exercise can be a wonderful outlet to relieve stress and to help us through difficult times. It is also a wonderful sleep inducer, for those who have trouble falling asleep due to anxiety, past trauma, etc.

Counseling can also be a very useful tool for people who have been in situations like you describe. The main purposes of most therapy styles are:

offering an objective and professional opinion to the situation at hand
offering education regarding “normal” versus “abnormal” or “dysfunctional” patterns of behavior
helping change cognitive patterns that are not useful to a productive lifestyle (changing the way we think about things)
mediating between family members (i.e. spouses, parent-child, etc.) if more than one person comes to therapy
setting goals that are specific to certain behaviors we want to eliminate or begin

Whether or not therapy will be useful depends largely on the motivation of the client to want change, on the relationship between the therapist and client being one where the client can feel safe but challenged at the same time, and the amount of time dedicated to the therapeutic process to take place. Therapy is not a magical solution. It takes hard work, dedication, and a willingness to be self-aware. However, research has shown that therapy can and has been highly beneficial for many people facing a variety of issues ranging from depression, addiction, abuse, anxiety, communication problems, anger management, sexual disorders, low self-esteem, etc. Revisiting the past can be beneficial in that it brings up negative patterns you may be currently repeating, it allows for a “venting” and getting negative feelings of anger, resentment, or hurt validated by the therapist, and it can also help self-awareness of the client. People need to understand that it can be normal at times to feel worse directly after a therapy session just because the things spoken about were heavy, difficult or upsetting. The benefits to therapy are usually seen after at least 8 to 12 sessions (depending somewhat on the situations being dealt with).

Finding ways to pay for therapy can be challenging. There are many clinics that offer fees based on “ability to pay” sliding scales, usually found through community resources in your specific area. If there is a university/college that offers a therapy program in your area, they many times offer reduced rates through student clinics that are supervised by professors. Sometimes bishops will be willing to offset some of the cost to therapy depending on the financial situation at hand. The best thing you can do is start asking around and gather information.

People who have experienced abusive relationships, whether as children or in their marriages, have a difficult time recovering from all of the ramifications and feeling “normal” per se. They usually have been belittled, shamed and/or put down in the process. It is normal in these cases to “tune out” like you describe. Pretend and move on as best as possible. Your psyche is in survival mode and doing the best it can with what it has in the moment. This leaves many with low self-esteems and a sense of not being worthy or deserving of good things in their lives. I can tell you until I’m blue in the face that this is just not the case, but it will be difficult for you to believe me. In a sense, you have been programmed to think otherwise. Reprogramming your thoughts to a more positive outlook of yourself is essential to your eventual happiness. It is possible and it can be done and you have the ability to do this. It will take work and more than likely some professional help. It sounds like you have many strengths to use as resources towards this goal. You are a survivor of an abusive relationship. You are working hard to provide for your children. You have great faith and are dutiful in your callings as a member of our church. You are loving and care deeply for your children. You are willing to serve. You have the gospel in your life. You have writings from our deceased Prophet Hinckley that discuss your value as a daughter and a child of God in a way that I have never heard before. You have a Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than for you to understand your divine worth and the privileges that come with that.

I leave you only with this challenge: you may love your children with all you think you have – but until you give them the example of loving yourself, you will not have taught them all there is to know about love. May you find the strength and ability to love yourself. Best wishes to you!

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