I discovered my husband has been enrolling in adult friend network sights…

Last updated on: June 5, 2009 at 9:33 am by Natasha Helfer

I discovered my husband has been enrolling in adult friend network sights… 2009-06-05T09:33:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I recently (on Monday) discovered that my husband has been enrolling in adult friend network sights. Specifically desinged for dating. I confronted him about this and he admitted to me that he has had Internet sex with 3 different women, but has never actually met anyone in person. He explained to me that since I have been on anti depressents he is trying to lessen his desire for physical intimacy so he doesn’t bug me too much for physical intimacy.

Now I am faced with a really sticky situation, I want to believe he is willing to make our marriage work. He has told me he intends to talk to the bishop, and he has agreed to go to couples counseling with me, but he hasn’t taken any steps to do this yet. Anyways besides the point. I find myself racked with guilt. I keep wondering if I were more interested in sex than maybe he wouldn’t have done this, but at the same time, I know that no matter how ofter I do respond intimately, it seems to never be enough with my husband. So he probably would have turned to this or similar situations at some point. Now when ever I think of being intimate with him I am seriously revolted. All I can think of is that he really isn’t making love to me anymore. This situation has cheapend the validity of our relationship entirely for me. I also keep thinking of these other women and wondering what they said or did that cause him to turn from me. I also wonder if he is being honest when he says that he never met anyone in person. And to say the least my little interest in our intimate relationship has become non-existent. I am scared though that by not being more interested in our sexual relationship that he may turn to other women again. I just really don’t know what to do. I want to cry just about all the time. I want to run and hide, or at least talk to someone, but I feel such shame that I don’t want anyone to know what has happened. I feel so isolated. I want our marraige to work so turning to my family for support seems very inappropriate as they will likely hold this agains him. I just don’t know what to do. We have 2 young children 1 year and 3 years and I don’t want my dispair right now to be visible to them so I act like nothing has happened at home but I am falling apart. I honestly thought I had a great marriage that was full of love and trust, but now it’s like I have been living in a fantasy world that has crashed down around me. I just don’t know what to do. My whole life feels like a lie. Please help….

Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful is one of the most devastating things that can happen within a marriage. You are left in a fog – very much like you describe – unable to function, putting on a mask for the sake of the children, not knowing where to turn, wondering if everything you have lived together is a lie. This is a perfectly normal response and you may feel this way for several weeks. Hopefully, over time and if your husband is willing to begin the repentance process, these feelings will subside. Here are some thoughts:

Although your husband has made a grievous mistake, it does not mean that your entire relationship together is a lie. I am sure there are many positive actions that both you and your husband have made to make you feel like you had a loving and honest relationship. This is a step most definitely in the wrong direction, but don’t let it completely define your marriage.
Wondering about the women he was involved with, imagining the sensual encounters, and withdrawing from your husband sexually at this time are also perfectly normal responses. I would caution you however, to try your best not to let your thoughts and imagination get away from you. The reality is that your imagination is probably much more creative than your husband was, and you are just perpetuating ongoing damage and trauma for yourself. Don’t fall into the trap either of asking your husband for too many detailed specifics. It really won’t help in the long run. The fact is he was unfaithful and that is all you need to know to move on from here.
Take on a proactive approach. The worst feeling in the world is that of being powerless. Although you have no control over your husband’s behaviors, you can take a very clear stance that your marriage is worth saving, that your husband is worth saving, that this behavior will not be permissible in your relationship, and that you deserve better than this. It’s time to fight! Let your husband know you are not going to be a passive stander-by in this process and that you expect action!
I agree that if you plan to stay married, it is probably not the best option to speak to close family members or friends regarding the situation because it will be very difficult for them to be objective. Reaching out on this blog was a great option (and I am available through telephone consultation as well), your bishop is a great option and so is getting help from a professional in your area. Make sure when you do speak with your bishop that you are very clear with him as to how you want this handled as far as confidentiality is concerned (do you want other people knowing like the Relief Society President, your home and/or visiting teachers, etc.?). Sometimes bishops disclose information trying to be useful but then can cause undue complications in the end.
The repentance process needs to begin as soon as possible. It sounds like your husband is willing to do this. Don’t be passive on getting this started. Point blank ask him if he wants to set up the interview with the bishop, or otherwise you will. I imagine he is dealing with feelings of shame and embarrassment himself, and would prefer to put this off. Putting it off will not help either one of you. I would recommend going into the bishop’s office together for the initial meeting and present a united front. This will let the bishop and your husband know that you plan to be involved and considered in the process. Although this is an individual sin, it affects the couple. He can go in individually afterwards for more one-on-one help.
Part of the repentance process is reparative. Your husband is going to have to do what he can to repair this for you. And the main thing that needs to be repaired is trust. This will include formal apologies, action that begets trust, being willing to be held accountable (i.e. your having access to his internet usage), couples counseling, etc. Helping you through the process of rebuilding trust will be where a professional therapist will be most useful.
Once all of this work is underway, and trust is being repaired, it will then be time to take a closer look at your sexual relationship as a couple and how you can both work towards making improvements in this aspect of your lives. Regardless of your sexual history or sexual frequency together, it does not justify going outside the bounds of marriage for sexual release. So let go of your shame – because it will do neither of you any good.
The forgiveness process on your end, will also take time -and patience from your spouse. Your ultimate goal however, will be to get to the point where this is no longer something you bring up in your marriage. In other words, when you are having a fight 10 years from now (assuming you are still together) it is not appropriate to continue to bring something like this up. When spouses bring up past sins to berate, belittle or make a point they are, in essence, not allowing the atonement to take effect for their mate. There is no set timeline as to when it will be time for you to let this hurt go. Hopefully your husband’s actions towards reparation will speed this process up as much as possible. This is another area that is incredibly useful to discuss with a professional or with your bishop.
You may not want to hear this right now but believe it or not, although affairs are never justifiable, they can serve as a catalyst for a closer, more intimate relationship in the future. Once the initial pain and agony pass (and if reparative work has been done), these circumstances can open a dialogue between a couple that might not otherwise have been possible. When we are willing to accept the other in the midst of weakness and sin, there is something very powerfully bonding that occurs. When we are faced with our own imperfections and can see our marriage through the lens of mortal mistakes, we grow in our love and acceptance for self and for spouse. We no longer live in the fantasy of a “perfect union” and yet are willing to live right here and now, in the consequences of imperfection. Spouses who can do this for each other have great capacity for true intimacy and growth.
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring can also be a useful resource to you.

I am very sorry to hear that you are facing this difficulty in your life, especially when also facing the challenges of rearing small children. I hope you know that you are not alone. Many LDS women and men are facing similar struggles. It is just not something we talk about very much. I have faith that Heavenly Father is buoying you up in ways that you may not even recognize because of the severe pain you are feeling. Stay as close to Him as possible. He will not lead you astray nor abandon you in your hour of need. Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself. You are His daughter – with divine power, insight and capacity. Go forth and persevere!

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