Choices that will maximize our intimacy…

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm by Natasha Helfer

Choices that will maximize our intimacy… 2012-09-24T22:01:08-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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My wife and I had always considered masturbation without the other spouse present something that was not approved of by the Church and therefore wrong. We had not really discussed it, but always thought that it was wrong. It was not until we heard others’ views and discovered how prevalent the practice of masturbation in marriage is that we explored the issue more. We discussed why we didn’t participate in the practice and realized it was mostly because we’d been taught that masturbation was shameful. We asked why we should feel that way if we both approved of the practice and discussed the damaging effect that guilt can play in what should otherwise be healthy marital sexuality. We decided we didn’t want guilt and shame to be the driving factors in deciding the bounds of our marital intimacy. (We think those feelings have a place, but not to the great degree that they influence our — and most Mormon’s — thinking about sexuality.) After removing shame or embarrassment as the main reason for not approving of occasional masturbation, we discussed it further. We decided (and we don’t mean this to be a final pronouncement that others need to live by), but we decided that we don’t want to participate in solo masturbation because we want to satisfy those needs for each other. We felt that solo masturbation outside each others presence would lead to decreased intimacy and less reliance and interdependence on each other. We realized the most important aspect of our sexuality is the bonding effect it has for us, not the physical release (although that is important too). Solo masturbation may satisfy the physical, but we felt it would weaken our emotional and spiritual connection. So our conclusion was that if there are circumstances where it would bring us closer (perhaps long absences) then it would likely be acceptable and even encouraged. But where we are both healthy and willing to meet each other’s needs, we should use our sexuality to bond us, and that most effectively happens (in our opinion) together. The bottom line is that it was enlightening and freeing to make that decision based on thoughtful consideration instead of unquestioned guilt. We don’t look at the issue as necessarily a choice between good and evil, but instead about how we can maximize our intimacy. We feel that this choice will maximize the benefits of our marital sexuality.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. You and your wife are offering a wonderful example of how beneficial it is to have an open, honest and communicative process regarding sexuality within marriage. I would hope that more couples can take this approach.

I agree that solo masturbation is not conducive to heightening the closeness or intimacy levels between a couple. However, it can be a useful tool to be used together (i.e. in times of physical separation but having telephone contact with each other, as a means of joint exploration, as a means of understanding and educating each other on what feels good, and just as another means of being playful and enjoying each other).

I also agree that we should not be making our sexual decisions based on guilt and/or shame. Sometimes these feelings can be misplaced and, depending on our background and previous experiences, it can come from inappropriate sources.

Good luck to you both.

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