Sexual apathy or indifference seems difficult to address…

Last updated on: May 26, 2009 at 3:45 pm by Natasha Helfer

Sexual apathy or indifference seems difficult to address… 2009-05-26T15:45:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

While I don’t dispute that many wives (and/or husbands) have experienced serious issues that make intimacy within marriage a challenge, from my admittedly limited observations, reading, etc., I believe that perhaps a larger issue is apathy and disinterest toward this important part of marriage. In a way, although I don’t want to minimize the trauma that some have experienced, I believe that a more specific, difficult event is more “treatable” or more easily dealt with- it should at least be more easily recognized and possibly more apt to discuss and to resolve.

Apathy or indifference, however, seems much more difficult, in my opinion. If there is no specific reason for one’s lack of interest in intimacy, then it must just be how I am, and I cannot change. Despite pleadings from their sexually starved spouses, many apathetic husbands or wives just are not interested in discussing sexuality, reading about it, or doing anything to improve the situation. This is where the frustration level increases and where it seems as though there are no solutions except for enormous amounts of patience and a constant reminder of the need to love in spite of feeling unloved.

I agree with you that sexual apathy or indifference are difficult issues to address – mainly because the nature of the problem is exactly the problem: not having the desire to address them. It is not acceptable for spouses to ignore or disregard the sexual needs of their partners (on either end of the spectrum). Sexuality is supposed to be a wonderful and bonding part of every marriage. Here are some thoughts as to why many times it isn’t:

When couples have differences in either the frequency of sex that is acceptable or the type of sexual encounter that is acceptable, it is paramount that they be willing to begin an open, non-judgemental and honest discussion together. And if they are unable to do this by themselves, then they need to seek help from an objective professional who can point out negative cycles and patterns the couple currently finds themselves in. Both marriage & family therapists as well as sex therapists are qualified to do this work.
I hope my position can be a motivator for people to move towards action. Because what I do not want is to move people towards added shame or guilt. Shame and guilt are not going to be helpful in solving this problem – in fact it will exacerbate it. Honesty and the willingness to be vulnerable in a safe environment will be the keys to success. The challenge to the other spouse is to provide the safe environment.
Where I disagree somewhat with the poster is that it is usually not the case that there is “no specific reason” for a lack of interest in sexual intimacy. We are all born with a sexual self that is inherent to who we are as a child of God. Unfortunately, many things can happen to this sexual self along life’s journey that take it off the natural course it is supposed to be on. In other words, sexual apathy or indifference is usually a symptom of a deeper, many times hidden, and even unconscious issue. For example:

Any type of sexual abuse or trauma is going to have negative implications for a person’s sexuality. And what needs to be addressed is that the majority of people who have been sexually abused are in a trap of shame and secrecy well into their adult years, if not their entire lives. Just because your spouse tells you they have not been sexually abused does not mean they haven’t. Disclosing this past trauma can be an incredibly difficult, anxiety-producing and painful process that many would understandably rather avoid. Some have even repressed these memories to the point that they may not remember the abuse took place. Yet, the repercussions are still there. What a complicated issue to try to work out!
Hormonal changes, especially for women, can have rampant effects on sexuality. This is especially the case during the years of child bearing, nursing, during possible PMS, and menopause. For example, it is natural for a woman’s sex drive to decrease during the months or years she nurses a child. Biologically speaking, the body is trying to keep itself from getting pregnant since it knows it is already nourishing a baby. Men go through hormonal changes as well, although usually not as drastic. As men age, usually testosterone levels decrease which can affect sex drive and even erectile function. Anytime we feel inadequate in our sexuality, it can bring about strong feelings of anxiety, which then further exacerbates sexual functioning. Anxiety and sexual passion don’t go together well. Educating ourselves regarding normal bodily functions and how they relate to sexuality is an important process for all couples.
Relationship issues that carry over into the bedroom is another culprit of sexual apathy. I’ve already spoken on how sexuality is not only a physical phenomenon, but also very much tied to the psyche. If a couple is angry, hurt, disappointed, etc., with each other, it can be extremely difficult to turn off those emotions when it comes time to wanting to be physically intimate. These issues, if left unaddressed, can turn lethal for many marriages.
Issues surrounding self- image and cultural expectations that our bodies need to look a certain way in order for us to feel sexy or attractive have been extremely damaging to self-esteems. It can be difficult to allow yourself to be touched and loved physically when you deprecate the body you have or even worse, when your spouse has criticized your body as well.
Rigid and inaccurate portrayals of sexuality that are passed on by many times well-meaning parents or leaders can also be detrimental. Growing up with the ideas that sex is bad or dirty can have devastating effects for people later as far as their abilities to get in touch with their passionate and sensual selves.

This is by no means an all-extensive list but is meant to address some very real issues that many people are facing. Sexuality is so personally centered in each of us that any slight problem can immediately be blown out of proportion, which then inadvertingly affects the next sexual encounter. And so a negative cycle ensues that leaves people apathetic, hopeless, shamed, angry or hurt. I would encourage anyone who is in this situation to seek professional help. Because it is a sad state of affairs for both partners when they are missing out on what can be such a wonderful and inspiring part of life: sex!

Uncategorized

Previous Post

May 23, 2009

How can I get my husband to see that his priorities are not in line?

Next Post

May 27, 2009 How do I separate love and sex to be able to feel loved in other, non-sexual ways?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Joshua Solomon David Moses