My experience in my family is that sexuality isn’t something that is discussed.

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 9:56 pm by Natasha Helfer

My experience in my family is that sexuality isn’t something that is discussed. 2012-09-24T21:56:16-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I’m glad I found this blog via a comment at strengtheningmarriage.com/blog.

It is interesting to find places that openly discuss sexuality in a gospel perspective. My unfortunate experience, both with my parents growing up and now with my own family after being married for 18 years, is that sexuality isn’t something that is discussed. As a result, it has become a tremendous obstacle and frustration instead of bringing us closer as is intended.

A close, connected, intimate relationship is seeming more and more like a distant, impossible dream. For now, I consider myself celibate, and although I wish it were not the case, I’m afraid that occasional masturbation for a release is my only realistic option.

Comment made by another reader to this post:

JM, I would recommend talking to your children about it, at least YOU can work on breaking the cycle of repression and guilt that prevents understanding and healthy acceptance of the very human nature of sexuality.

So often ANY desire for passion is written off as lust or the natural man, and that’s not the case, nor what Heavenly Father intended. And when it is written off as “the natural man” it becomes so easy to see the discussion of sex as a list of dont’s instead of it being in a healthy and loving context.

I think the saddest thing about this post is the underlying hopelessness and accompanying resignation that things must remain “as is.” It seems as though the poster has taken a passive role in the relationship of spouse and also that of parent. The occasional act of masturbation is much less worrisome to me of an issue than what seems to be a chronic distancing and isolation of this couple.
I would encourage the poster to seek professional help, whether or not the spouse is willing to go. It would be better if they went as a couple, but there are times that the significant other will refuse to do so. There are still a lot of things an individual can do in therapy to help a marriage- as long as you see a marriage-friendly therapist and make clear that your goal is to save your relationship. I love Michelle Weiner-Davis’ statement of “It takes one to tango!” You CAN change the steps of your relationship’s dance all by yourself (even if it means stepping on some toes – toes need stepping on at times!).
And I agree with the commenter when speaking of taking a more proactive approach for your children regarding general sex education. Unfortunately for this case, it is the relationship of the parents that automatically gives the strongest messages to children regarding sexuality, communication, conflict resolution, etc., etc. However, this fact can many times be the needed catalyst for a couple to begin the process of getting help. They might do it for their children before they do it for themselves or each other. But this is an OK place to start.
Please take action! Do not accept this current state of being as your life sentence of “enduring to the end.” Do not repeat past generational mistakes. It is unnecessary and unhealthy to do so.

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