Is it too extreme to consider separating because my husband started drinking?

Last updated on: May 11, 2009 at 8:49 am by Natasha Helfer

Is it too extreme to consider separating because my husband started drinking? 2009-05-11T08:49:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I have been married for almost 4 years now and am due recently with my second child. About a month ago my husband told me he didn’t think he wanted to live the word of wisdom anymore. He confessed to getting drunk on two previous “guy’s trips”. I am shocked and hurt because of this. It is very important to me to have a spouse who can go with me to the temple and who can give priesthood blessings to our children. What can I do? Is it too extreme to consider separating because of this?

What a painful situation for you to find yourself in!
You are definitely not alone. Many LDS couples find themselves in a situation where they no longer agree on doctrinal issues. Our “testimony journeys” are highly individualized and people go through different stages at different times. Although this is a normal process, it does not diminish the difficulty for those who think they signed up for a certain lifestyle and their spouse decides to take a different path. Here are some thoughts:

The two doctrinal dilemmas that you are facing are 1. the concept of free agency and how it is allowed to play itself out in your marriage and 2. the concept of making vows and covenants. I’m sure you understood on some abstract level when you got married that you would face challenges as a couple. That’s why we promise basics such as “for better or for worse,” “in sickness and in health,” etc. You are signing up to be committed through good times and bad. So, do we get to say “Well, I’ll stay with you if we face challenge A, B, or C but not if it’s D”? Can we justify getting out of a relationship due to doctrinal reasons when that same doctrine teaches patience, love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, tolerance, endurance, etc.? Are we dissolved from the marital contract when not every piece of it is being upheld? If yes, then we could all at some time or another justify divorce. In essence you are caught in a catch 22. Welcome to marriage!: the constant pull between the needs of the self versus the needs of the system. Marriage is never an entirely easy venture. However, it can be a worthwhile one.
Your case is further complicated with the fact that you have children. Breaking up a marriage when there are children can be highly detrimental to all involved. Whether or not their father is a perfect example, they will need his influence in their lives to develop in the most healthy manner. Once we have children, our decisions cannot be based solely on our individual pain – we have the responsibility to consider their needs as well. Do you want your kids to grow up in a home where they get mixed messages about drinking alcohol? Of course not. But do you want them to learn that when problems come up within a marriage the answer is to give up and go elsewhere? The answer to that is also no. My opinion is that the lesson on marriage can be prioritized as more important than the lesson on drinking.
I realize that the idea of divorce can be somewhat of a fantasy when you are facing current pain and frustration. However, there are numerous problems that come along with divorce that most can’t usually foresee (financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, parental, etc.). And if you end up remarrying, you will more than likely face similar problems. The only times that I think one is completely justified in leaving, is when the relationship has turned dangerous (i.e. domestic violence). Even in these cases many divorce and remarry another abuser. For whatever complicated and unconscious reasons, you attracted the man you married and vice versa. These reasons include your history, personality traits, temperament and comfort levels. Unless you go through difficult individual therapy work, you will more than likely remarry someone with similar issues or themes. Therefore, I would rather a couple figure out what their problems are with the one they are with (especially when they already have children) than a new person that now complicates the situation with step-parenting dynamics.
Although I’m sure this is the last thing you want to hear, you can look at this as an opportunity to stretch yourself in different ways. To tap into your own strength. To tap into different virtues such as patience and compassion balanced with dignity. To even possibly tap into a different level of intimacy with your spouse if you’re both willing to do some marital work.
My advice would include to make very clear your position in as assertive of a position that can stay calm. Place the responsibility squarely upon his shoulders. Keep to I-statements. Make your needs known. Get professional and/or priesthood help. “I am disappointed and hurt regarding your decision to begin drinking. It is against everything I thought we would be as a couple and everything I thought we agreed on. It is not what I want for my children and I am surprised that you would want to offer this type of example. I hope that this is a temporary phase you are going through. However, I have no control over your behavior and you are obviously old enough to make your own decisions. I am your wife, not your mother. I hope you would take my feelings and our children’s futures into consideration as you go through this process: but it is entirely up to you. My wants are to be able to attend the temple with you and have you be an active priesthood holder in our home. I do not want our marriage to fail because of this problem, and so I plan to get outside help (bishop and/or therapist are both a good place to start). I hope you’ll be willing to start this process with me.”
This may be a rebellious phase that your husband is going through that would have been more age-appropriate to explore as a teenager. It may pass or it may get worse. You need to be prepared that one doctrinal issue may turn to another – with the worst case scenario being that he leaves the church all together. My main concern is that you do not fall into the “mother/teenage son” cycle where you nag and lecture while he continues to rebel and withdraw. This will lead to a negative cycle that can be difficult to break and will lead to more pain and frustration.
Make sure to point out that when it comes to drinking, the church is not the only source stating its dangers. Whether or not one wants to follow the word of wisdom, we all know that drinking can be a dangerous endeavor. Having a social drink is quite different from getting drunk. For many, drinking can quickly become an addictive behavior. Be adamant that he agree not to drive when he has been drinking, and ask him to get or increase the amount of life insurance he has. He is participating in riskier behavior and needs to be responsible for being willing to do so. Also, any moneys he spends on this behavior, you should have the equal amount to spend on whatever pleases you.
Resources you should consider are: Michelle Weiner-Davis’ book, Divorce Busting, faceseast.org, and one of my previous posts.

If you decide to stay married you will probably have to modify the expectations you had for what your married life would look like. So, although my answer to your question is “yes”, ultimately you are the one that has to live with the repercussions that lie on both sides of the coin. The decision to stay or go has to be yours. Please include prayer, fasting and professional help as part of the equation. And never make decisions rashly. Take the time to ponder and think things through. If it comes to the decision of divorce, you may try a trial separation first. A good therapist could help you contract this out.
I wish you the very best, especially as you become a mother for the second time. I’m sorry that this time of joy and anticipation for your new baby is also one of pain and sorrow. May God bless and strengthen you!

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