Is it common for one to feel resentful of the other spouse when empty nesting?

Last updated on: May 13, 2009 at 9:51 pm by Natasha Helfer

Is it common for one to feel resentful of the other spouse when empty nesting? 2009-05-13T21:51:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Is it common for one to feel resentful of the other spouse when empty-nesting? All I see in my spouse now are all the wrongs I’ve ever felt. I’m having a really hard time getting over it.

The “empty nest” stage of family development can be both a challenging and rewarding time of life. So much of what our lives consist of before hitting this stage revolves around creating a family, raising children, and trying to get them successfully launched. This work of parenting is exhausting, exhilarating, rewarding, painful and incredibly time consuming. All parents make concessions as a couple to pull off this incredible feat. There just isn’t the time and energy left for parents to function as a couple in the same way they did through their courting and pre-children years. For LDS couples in particular, there is the added cultural and doctrinal pressure to marry early and not put off having children. So, many couples find themselves in the situation where their pre-children relationship was relatively short. They don’t have much experience being alone in their relationship. Because children take up so much of our time and energy and because we don’t have as much time to focus on the spousal relationship, it can be easy to ignore or deny marital problems along the way. Then as children leave, it is inevitable that the focus turns back to the couplehood – with the resulting negative or positive implications. Many couples find this to be an enjoyable time, when they can refocus on their sweetheart, enjoy more time and activities together and explore new things that there previously was no time for. However, if there have been problems brewing for the last 20 to 30 years, this can be an incredibly difficult time when you are now facing them head on. So, yes, it is normal to face resentments and struggles during this stage of life- especially if there are unresolved issues. That is why divorce can actually be a common occurrence at this particular stage. Some even have been waiting intentionally for the children to leave in order to follow through with a planned divorce. Here are some thoughts:

Hopefully all along the family cycle, a couple will make the time and effort to continue to date and court one another. This includes romance, flirting, outings, and the ability to keep their sexual lives satisfying to both partners.
Whether you have done this up until now or not, this should be a time to restart the courting process. It is an opportunity to start anew the romantic journey that started long ago and rekindle those original feelings you more than likely felt for one another. The added maturity you both now have and the success of staying together for these many years, can make this process of reconnecting a redefining time for both.
It is important to remember that when there are unresolved issues, it is a natural human tendency to stay focused and even fixated on the negatives of the situation- to the point that a person in unable to see the positives that are also part of the equation. The best way to stop feeling resentful is to be able to get validation for the reasons the resentments exist. Starting marital therapy at this stage can be a highly beneficial way to process through the many successes and failures a couple has been through by this time. It is important to identify the many strengths and resources you have developed together over the years, as well as the things you feel you were never able to master. If there are past hurts or problems that have never been resolved, it is important for a couple to face them together in a way that will increase the honesty within the relationship, offer validation and hopefully end in forgiveness and moving on to new possibilities. This takes work and effort but has worthwhile results. It is not worth spending the rest of your marriage in a negative and unhealthy state.
Even though children have left the home, the example you continue to provide as a married couple continues to have far-reaching effects on your kids and their upcoming relationships. Understanding this can be part of the motivation a couple needs to seek help.
It is also important at this stage to focus on self. With the added time available it can be highly beneficial to develop hobbies, go back to school, begin or revisit a career, develop new friendships, etc. When we are well-balanced as an individual, we have more energy, strength and ability to function in a healthier fashion within the marriage.

I hope you and your spouse can find the energy and motivation to refocus on the very important relationship of your marriage and couplehood.

“The family life cycle refers to those nodal events that are tied to the comings and goings of family members, such as the birth and raising of children, the departure of children from the household, retirement, and death (Duvall, 1957). These events produce changes requiring adaptation in the formal (or the symbolic) organization of the family. These changes in family composition require reorganization of roles and rules. The life course of families evolves through a fairly predictable sequence of stages, which appears to be fairly universal in spite of cultural and subcultural variations. The family life cycle is also subject to myriad individual variations in timing and coping strategies, but these changes have been dubbed “normative”.”

Family Sociology and Family Therapy Contributions to the Family Development Framework: A Comparative Analysis and Thoughts on Future Trends by Celia Jaes Falicov

“There is a tendency for men and women to be going in opposite directions psychologically as their children move out into their own lives. Men, perhaps realizing that they have missed most of the intimacy of their children’s development, may begin to seek a closeness they have missed (Levinson, 1978). Women, after years of focusing on caring for others, begin to feel enthusiastic about developing their own lives – careers, friendships outside the family, and other activities. Typically they are grateful and energized by recapturing free time and exploring new options for themselves.”

The Changing Family Life Cycle: A Perspective on Normalcy by Monica McGoldrick, Marsha Heiman, and Betty Carter

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