I’m confused about masturbation. I don’t find what I do distracting or wrong.

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm by Natasha Helfer

I’m confused about masturbation. I don’t find what I do distracting or wrong. 2012-09-24T21:53:44-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I am female and I have grown up in a wonderful loving home, with parents who have taught me all the correct principles of the gospel. I am active and I love the gospel with all my heart. I masturbated for the first time when I was 11 and I didn’t even know what those certain feelings were. They fascinated me. I finally learned what the act was called and how it was forbidden by our church and I felt instant guilt and told myself I wouldn’t do it again. But every so often, curiosity would take over and I’d do it again. I have done it very minimally ever since. I have never looked at pornography, I have never had horrible perverted thoughts or desires. I believe I am a normal sexual young woman. I am now 22 and I do it probably once a month, but it’s not planned ever, I just have certain urges and I sometimes give into them. I understand the implications of why it can be so wrong, but I honestly don’t find what I do distracting or wrong. It is not an addiction, and I feel I am pretty balanced. Anyway, it’s just been a question. I find it enjoyable, but I don’t obsess over it. However, I have always been taught it’s not good to do it. And I’m just confused.

I am so glad to hear about your overall attitude regarding your parents, the home you grew up in, and your love for the gospel with the wonderful teachings/lifestyle it offers. The reasons why you’re confused have to do with the fact that you are being asked to abstain by your religion from a part of yourself that is physically natural. We are educated repetitively in the scriptures regarding the struggle we all have to overcome our “natural state”. Our physical selves sometimes are at odds with our spiritual selves and this is an ongoing battle that we all fight in different ways. Here are a few thoughts I have regarding your situation:

The fact that you began to discover your sexuality at the age of 11 is absolutely and completely a normal part of puberty- the physical developmental stage you begin right about this age. The fact that you began to masturbate is also normal. It has been very taboo in both our religious and even general cultures for women to admit to masturbation. However, current research is showing that women are admitting more and more to this practice with it usually starting at a very young age. We just have not been given the platform to talk about it openly or comfortably. As a result, we inevitably do not educate our girls and young women correctly or sufficiently regarding masturbation.
The leaders of the church have given the counsel to abstain from masturbation altogether. Although this is the ideal we should be striving towards, it is nowhere near the reality. Unfortunately when members are told that complete abstinence is the only option, there is no room for the discussion to go further. And since many go on to not have complete abstinence in this area, the negative cycles of obsessive guilt, shame, secrecy, embarrassment, and self-deprecation begin. These negative feelings can lay the foundation for sexual dysfunction in marriage later on. Therefore, I am more afraid that we stop this conversation from continuing than I am of minimal masturbation.
The challenges you face as a single adult regarding sexuality are extremely difficult. You live in a society that constantly surrounds you with sexual messages that go in stark contrast to your religious beliefs: specifically the teachings regarding the sacredness of sharing our sexuality with another. Although complete masturbatory abstinence may be the ideal we are all striving for, I would rather you be dealing with your sexuality through this release than move towards having inappropriate sexual experiences before marriage with another person. It would be nice if a button existed where you could turn on your sexual drive only after the “I dos” are said, but this is just not the case. And we don’t live in a time, thank goodness, where children are married off as soon as they hit puberty. Therefore, you will be dealing with sexual needs, thoughts and drives in the formative years of being single. You ARE a normal sexual young woman and I love that you describe yourself in this way!!
Some members find themselves single for a majority if not all of their adult lives. In these situations it can be even more difficult to continue to deny sexual feelings and drives. And as long as pornography is not involved, it does not become addictively frequent, and it is not inhibiting an individual from becoming close to a potential spouse, I would rather see individuals masturbate from time to time than become unnecessarily sexually frigid, sexually guilt-ridden, and/or depressed because they see complete celibacy as their only option.
The frequency that you are reporting does not concern me as a mental health practitioner. There are no signs that this is addictive in your situation or that it is even in danger of becoming so. The concerns that I would have for you are more surrounding the guilt and confusion that you are feeling and that consequently these feelings will become correlated with your sexuality in general. In other words, when you finally marry and begin to share your sexuality, I don’t want you to be inhibited by these struggles you dealt with as a single adult. My advice would be to continue to make sure masturbation does not become obsessive or addictive, not berate yourself if you do not achieve “perfection” in this area, relish the fact that you are in touch with the reality that you are a sexual being, and look forward to the time you will be able to truly enjoy this God-given gift with your significant other.
Although it’s mainly directed to married people, the following post may also be beneficial for you to read.
Some interesting quotes from Elder Boyd K. Packer in his speech “For Young Men Only” given in October 1976 that apply to young women as well:

“Never be ashamed of your body.”
“First, I want you to know this. If you are struggling with this temptation (masturbation) and perhaps you have not quite been able to resist, the Lord still loves you. It is not anything so wicked nor is it a transgression so great that the Lord would reject you because of it…”

May you find much happiness as you move forward. You are at an exciting and wonderful time in your life!

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