How do I separate love and sex to be able to feel loved in other, non-sexual ways?

Last updated on: May 27, 2009 at 5:53 pm by Natasha Helfer

How do I separate love and sex to be able to feel loved in other, non-sexual ways? 2009-05-27T17:53:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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It probably isn’t uncommon to associate love and sex- after all, we believe in abstaining from sexual activities until marriage, and we believe that sex is intended as an expression of love and means to strengthen a couples’ bond. But is it dangerous to equate love and sex? I think that I (and possibly others) do this too often, so I end up feeling loved almost exclusively when I view our sexual relationship favorably. Since this is more often not the case, I conclude (perhaps erroneously) that my wife really doesn’t love me that much. How do I separate love and sex to be able to feel loved in other, non-sexual ways?

It is always interesting to have a discussion on the relationship between love and sex. We all know that there are many sexual encounters that have little to nothing to do with love (i.e. the one-night stand). And of course, there are many relationships we have where we love with no sexual implications (i.e. parent/child, friendships, etc.). So the only time that is sanctioned by God to bring these two concepts together, is in the sacred relationship between husband and wife. That is what sets this relationship apart from all others.

We know that from the beginning of human existence, Heavenly Father has used symbolism and ritual to help us understand deeper concepts and doctrine. For example, temple ceremonies, baptisms, sacramental ordinances, etc., are exactly that: ceremonial and physical manifestations meant to represent spiritual concepts. As a religious ceremony, marriage is the ritual that has us commit to each other emotionally and spiritually. Sex follows in essence as a private ritual that has us commit to each other physically. It is the tangible symbol that brings two people literally together. And when you take sex in its most traditional form (the “missionary” position), you see male and female facing each other with bodies interlocked and truly “becoming one”: what a powerful and beautiful symbol! So, yes, love and sex should be equated and it should not be dangerous to do so (and I am in no way implying that the “missionary position” is the only way to go-I’m just trying to make a point).

Where things can get dangerous is if this is the ONLY way you equate feeling loved. I often speak of three dimensions we all possess: the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. All of our needs, wants and desires can be traced to one of these dimensions. Sometimes they are in contradiction with each other (i.e. my mind wants the 4th donut but my stomach is becoming ill). Usually however, the healthiest options meet the needs of all three. Ways in which we show love, should encompass all three of these dimensions. We love each other emotionally by listening to each other, saying loving things, validating needs, etc. We love each other spiritually by loving unconditionally, enduring through trials, applying the atonement, forgiving, etc. We love each other physically by providing an income, doing some one’s laundry, making meals, etc. Ideally, having sex touches on the needs of all three dimensions for both spouses.

According to research I have read, men do have more of a tendency to correlate love and sex within a marriage. It tends to be one of the primary ways they show love and reach out to their wives. Women don’t always see it the same way and can miss the loving gesture the man is trying to make. Unfortunately in our overall culture, men have been stereotyped as being “overly” sexual beings and that sex is all they care about. Therefore, women can interpret “come ons” as selfish acts by husbands just trying to get what they want. I believe strongly that both men and women need to take a much closer look as to how these stereotypes and unconscious biases keep us from reaching the true sexual, emotional, and spiritual potential we should all be striving towards as a couple.

I recently saw a report that 49% of married people report being dissatisfied with their sex life. That is such a sad and lonely statistic! And I have stated before that people who have a good sex life report thinking about it about 10% of the time. Whereas those who are unhappy with their sex life say they think about it 90% of the time.

Here are some basic suggestions for you:

Gary Chapman wrote a helpful book called The Five Love Languages. He describes different ways that people “feel” and in turn “show” love. It might be a helpful tool for you to look into.
Be willing to communicate in as open and non-threatening way as possible with your wife regarding your needs and your desire to fulfill her needs.
Start a list that you keep handy of all the ways you can currently think of where your wife “shows” her love. This can be as simple as preparing meals or taking care of your children. In what ways is she a service to you? Also keep a list of the ways you feel that you show her love. Looking for these things in both yourself and your wife, will help you keep a positive perspective at the forefront of your relationship.
Be open to the possibility of attending marital and/or sex therapy.

There is always hope for a better relationship. Sometimes it takes hard work and can be a painful process. But relationships can and do change. I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

Comment received: I think you should reword your answer about love and sex in marriage. You state: “Marriage is the ritual that has us commit to each other emotionally and spiritually. Sex is the ritual that has us commit to each other physically.” I understand what you are saying, however, a non-LDS person would draw that you mean sex is an actual ritual in the temple when it is not. Perhaps give more clarification or touch on this point in a separate paragraph. Found your post through twitter, btw.

Yes, of course, there are no sexual rituals in our temples. I was referring to the idea that many of our day-to-day acts can be looked at as rituals that have symbolic meaning behind them (i.e. going to church is a weekly ritual or ceremony that many of us in different faiths participate in). I wanted to point out that the act of sex has some wonderful symbolism associated with it that many could find beneficial if applied to our overall perceptions of sexuality. Thank you for your comments. I did rephrase some wording in order to clarify.

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