How can I get my husband to see that his priorities are not in line?

Last updated on: May 23, 2009 at 1:13 am by Natasha Helfer

How can I get my husband to see that his priorities are not in line? 2009-05-23T01:13:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I just came across this site- thank you! It seems to be just what I’ve needed as I live in an area without access to LDS Social Services and I recognize how an understanding of gospel doctrine is essential to addressing marital issues of LDS couples.

My issue is this- I have been married for three years now and have a two year old boy and two month old colicky girl! Around the time I got pregnant with our second child, my husband’s testimony began to waiver. He stopped praying alone and with the family, stopped reading scriptures, etc. but still attends church with us. However, as a result I’ve noticed that his beliefs surrounding his role as a husband and father have been changing and subsequently affecting his behavior. He is self- employed and sets his own hours, but he will leave the house in the morning and not come home until around 8 p.m. everyday, eat some supper, and then will leave again. I would fully support him in this if he were working all these hours, however, he only works about five hours a day! The rest of his time away from home is spent hanging out with his friends (they have a band) or playing sports. I feel like a single mom- who is extremely sleep deprived and lonely! We live in an area far from any family (the closest relative lives an 8 hour drive away) and I have no friends here. The closest friend lives 40 minutes away. The church is not very large here either, making the Relief Society not an equitable asset for help in my situation. On good days I feel like I’m running on empty and I am worried that his negligence of his familial responsibilities is going to lead me to a nervous breakdown! His philosophy is that as long as he provides for us and takes us to church on Sunday that he is doing his job, and my “job” is to do everything else, i.e. provide childcare solely on my own and maintain the house. He wasn’t always this way. With our first child he was extremely excited to be a father and we spent a lot of time together as a family. Now we see him so little that our two year old has been acting out towards my husband when he is home, and I know that my son is angry that daddy is never home anymore. I have tried dealing with this from every different angle and nothing seems to persuade my husband to do anything differently. I’m starting to feel like a prisoner as well, because we live in an isolated area and we only have one vehicle which he takes to work. Whenever I have to do any shopping or run errands I have to negotiate with him for 40 minutes to try and get him to either do the errands for me or let me have the vehicle. I just keep feeling like the next step is separation- which is not what I want- but I can’t see how to get it through to him that we need him to be more actively involved in our family. Our Bishop suggested we take couples therapy and my husband said he didn’t have the time; so the Bishop suggested that we take a strengthening marriage course, he refused that as well. Once I sat him down to talk about why he never wanted to be at home and he brought up that he had issues with our intimacy- he didn’t feel like our physical intimacy was what it should be. We have different ideas about what it should be. I tried to explain to him what I felt and thought about it and that when I’m recovering from having a baby as well as taking care of the kids all by myself 24 hours a day (when he’s home at night he refuses to get up with the kids) that it’s not likely going to lead to increasing our physical intimacy. I’ve asked to spend more time with him, that he might be home more often, as ways to help with this issue, and he accused me of being selfish and trying to stop him from doing things for himself (such as the dream of being in a band), yet, I haven’t been alone, away from the kids by myself in over 6 months! I’m sorry to take up so much of your time and space- but how can I get my husband to see that his priorities are not in line with the covenants he’s made and that he’s neglecting to fulfill his role as a husband and father, as we understand in the gospel?

There is nothing more frustrating than realizing the reality you are living is so different from the life you have envisioned and dreamed about. It is even harder when the reasons you are upset feel largely out of your control. Here are some thoughts:

One of the hardest things to face within a marital relationship is that we have little to no control over our spouse. We have married an INDIVIDUAL. And this individual comes with individual needs, wants, desires and dreams of their own. In the ideal situation, the individual needs would be similar to the overall needs of the spouse and family system. However, many times due to past history, maturity level, etc., this is not the case. And needs can vary throughout different times of the relationship at different developmental cycles. Unfortunately you are facing this very early on in your marriage with the added stresses of having small children.
You are not going to be able to “get” your husband to see or do anything. In fact this isn’t even your responsibility. He is the only person who can control his behavior, thoughts and philosophies regarding his life. Likewise, you can only control yourself.
I do want to validate the fact that the way you describe your husband’s behavior is not acceptable and it does sound like he is shirking his responsibilities as father and husband. It is difficult for me as the objective listener to not have his side of the story in order to better assess what is happening. However, the healthy “family set up” is where both spouses are willing to pitch in and help around the house and with the many duties that children bring. When one spouse is the only one working for an income, then the other should take on more of the household responsibilities – but by no means ALL of the household responsibilities. And raising children is definitely a job that takes the ongoing efforts of two to have the best results. Feeling like a single parent while married is just not acceptable. And this has nothing to do with a testimony in the church. Current research and basic societal beliefs support these positions. It is not “selfish” to expect to spend a certain amount of time as a family unit, as a spousal unit and even as an individual. If you have not had the opportunity to be alone in 6 months, then the scales are definitely unbalanced.
I’m concerned about your describing yourself as isolated, trapped and stuck. The nature of having little ones can already be isolating since they take so much time and energy, not counting the added isolation you are experiencing by not having a means for transportation. I’m not sure what type of community you live in, whether you have access to public transportation, community centers, play groups, etc.? But I would highly encourage you to reach out and start making some local contacts and friends. You can find wonderful friends and resources that are outside of the church. One of the red flags of women who are “isolated” is the possibility for domestic violence or inappropriate controlling behavior by the husband (and both of these constitute abuse).
You have a right to stand up for yourself and be assertive about your needs. “We can either work together as a team, or I will get my needs met myself. But either way, things are not going to stay as is,” needs to be a message that you need to begin to communicate.
I’m assuming that you are both relatively young? One of the problems of getting married young and then having children soon after, which I realize the Mormon culture encourages, is that people can find themselves ill-equipped to face the huge responsibilities marriage and family life entail. It sounds like your husband is going through a phase of self-fulfillment and of being self-centered (dreams of a band, playing with his buddies, and even career ambiguity). Not that there is anything wrong with having individual pursuits throughout life, but once you have family and spousal responsibilities, one needs to be extremely careful to balance things appropriately. In essence, his maturity may not be caught up to the responsibilities he has gotten himself into.
Intimacy issues on both sides can be very legitimate. But you are correct that if you are exhausted, feeling abandoned, not getting much help with the responsibilities of family life and have just had a baby, your ability to want to be physically intimate is going to dramatically suffer. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! Foreplay is an ongoing process that begins way before we hit the bedroom. And unfortunately many young husbands can lack the sexual education to begin to understand this important concept. On the other hand, new fathers can feel replaced when having children. With so much of a mother’s energy going towards little ones, it can leave husbands feeling somewhat abandoned and then guilty or confused for even having these feelings. These resentments, many times even unconscious, can start causing issues for the couple and are important to discuss openly.
There are times when getting some distance (without resorting to divorce or legal separation) can offer a needed breather and offer some needed perspective. Consider going to visit your family for an extended break – even an entire summer. If you do not have the funds, ask your family to help you get home or even visit with your bishop about financial options. Vacations from each other can help us get away from negative patterns of behavior as well as get us back to missing the other’s company.
Regardless of whether or not you physically leave, I would encourage you to try and change your role of being the pursuer. You are the one wanting, asking, seeking, etc. In as a genuinely respectful manner as possible, take a step back. Take time to focus on your children and yourself for the moment. Since he’s already doing almost nothing to help you, and since your pleas for help have gone unheard, stop having ANY expectations of him. If you expect NOTHING, then you can’t be disappointed. And you will stop any nagging or “mothering” behavior that tends to increase the relational wedge. Try this for about the course of 4 months. The key to success is not to build up any further resentment. It is truly just taking a break from your role. I’m not saying this is acceptable long term, but it would be doing something different than what you are currently doing. And it would place the responsibility of trying to better things more on his shoulders. Only if you can handle it emotionally, you can even use this time to get what YOU need out of the relationship physically and assert more control in the bedroom. “I plan to have an orgasm tonight, so I’ll let you know when I’m close enough for you to enter me.”
As an FYI: Your son acting out is normal behavior under the stressors and tension you describe. Children are hypersensitive to their parents and therefore, are most definitely affected when things are not going smoothly. Depending on the child, this can be manifested in varying ways. Having a new sibling is also a big adjustment.
Whether or not you decide to stay in this relationship, I would highly encourage you to up your level of independence (in the forms of transportation, education, possible career training you can fall back on, meeting some of your emotional needs through healthy friendships or community resources, etc.). The relationship in which both partners know that the other could survive very well without them, and yet choose to stay together, have a deeper understanding that they are together for the right reasons.
Make a list of every single positive attribute you can think of regarding your spouse. What attracted you to him? Again, whether or not you stay married, you will have a lifelong relationship with this man because you have children together. You want to be able to keep his strengths at the forefront so you can act in a respectful manner towards him even if he chooses not to do the same for you (taking the higher road). Some of his strengths may be manifesting as weaknesses at this time but that can always change. And what is it about you that was attracted to this type of person to begin with? Because unfortunately, many who divorce go on to marry someone with some of the same problems/qualities.
One of the needs that men in particular have is to feel respected. And if your husband is acting in a way that does not elicit your respect, this can begin a vicious cycle of negative behavior/attitude from both of you. These types of cycles can evolve into marriage killers for sure.
If you end up asking help or advice from family members and/or friends, try to keep the information you share with them as simple and respectful of your husband as possible. The reality is that many couples who separate end up getting back together and then face difficulties with well-meaning and concerned relatives who are not as willing or capable to forgive and forget.
I most definitely agree with your bishop that marital counseling is needed, regardless of how you move forward from here. Of course, you can’t force your husband to go. You can begin that process by yourself. If you are struggling because of time and/or transportation I am available through phone consultations. If you are struggling with funds, you should not feel guilty about asking from help from family or church related resources. Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis would also be a good read for you to pick up.
I assume you have been seeing an obgyn regularly and he/she can also be a good resource for referrals, community resources, depression assessment, etc. Your local library, community centers, and free clinics can all be part of your resources.
Heavenly Father expects us to be true to our covenants. Covenants, are in essence contracts. And when contracts are broken, there can be dire consequences. It may be time for you to help your husband understand this concept. You do not need to make any rash decisions that involve divorce per se. But you can make some very drastic changes to increase the level of your independence and to also consider a temporary separation that can help you both sort out your priorities. Ultimately, listen to your gut, sort out all of your options (large and small) and make some movement towards something that feels right to you. And remember that regardless of whether or not you and your husband stay married, your children will always need and desire both of your influences in their lives. Hopefully you will both be willing and able to provide this for them.
It is also important to remember that although Heavenly Father expects us to be true and endure through trials without giving up easily, He does NOT expect you to put up with abusive behavior!

I know I’ve given you a lot to think about. Be patient with yourself. The first six months after having a baby can be extremely challenging even just from a hormonal perspective, not to mention physically and the fact that you are also responsible for a toddler. You may not be able to make a lot of these changes right away. But you can begin a more healthy process and formulate plans that lead to eventual action. In all of this, I hope you can stay respectful of your husband. We do not need to scream, yell, belittle or nag to make our point. The best way to communicate is to speak clearly, calmly, use I-statements, state needs and explain what actions you will take if those needs are not met. And do not use false threats. If you state you will do something, be prepared to follow through. Believe in yourself! You are a mother and a woman! This automatically means that you have strength and resilience within you. I wish you the very best!

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