How can a “lower-drive” spouse proactively arouse sensual feelings?

Last updated on: May 4, 2009 at 11:40 pm by Natasha Helfer

How can a “lower-drive” spouse proactively arouse sensual feelings? 2009-05-04T23:40:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Do you think there are wholesome, positive ways that the lower-drive spouse (not always, but usually the wife) can proactively “awaken” or arouse sensual feelings throughout the day for the purpose of encouraging more sexual intimacy in marriage? Many researchers discussing female sexuality (for example Laura Brotherson’s book) encourage women to awaken their God-given sexuality. Do you have any tips for how this can be done without resorting to pornography? Growing up in the Church, you’re always taught to extinguish sexual thoughts. In marriage, that doesn’t seem very conducive to enhancing sexual intimacy.

Pornography should definitely not be part of the equation since it only leads to a sense of false intimacy, and usually prolonged guilt (especially amongst members of the church).

It is infuriating for me to think about the numerous, continual, generational, cultural, and disastrous messages that women in particular have been fed over centuries regarding their sexuality. As the general human race, we have been so afraid of inappropriate sex that we have allowed a warped underlying sexual shame to remain prevalent. Almost any term or reference to anything femininely sensual leads to inappropriateness. For instance, I looked up the word “vixen” in the thesaurus and it offered me “harpy, hellcat, disagreeable woman, unpleasant woman.” When I looked up the word “seducer” it came up with “ladies man, lady killer, bad person, debauchee, libertine, and rounder.” And this isn’t even religious material! Although I cherish the nativity story as one of my favorites in the scriptures, its focus on a virgin mother has been highly detrimental for women ever since. Being a “virgin mother” is an impossible feat for the rest of womankind. And in this indirect expectation begins a very real struggle for women to be able to coincide their roles of mother and lover. You must be a lover to become a mother, and yet there is an underlying motif that has a hard time combining the image of “sexy” with “June Cleaver.” We want our daughters to become mothers and yet how difficult is it to accept them as sexual beings? One cannot happen without the other – and yet we continue to desperately attempt to separate the two. For many women this inherited, cultural shame, centuries old, can be a huge psychological mountain to overcome. As sexual women who have been correctly taught that our bodies are temples, we need to remember that these temples include a vagina, a clitoris, a vulva, nipples, breasts and every other organ, hormone, natural lubricant, etc. that leads to the act of sex. The same goes for the sacred male sexual parts. We must be willing to accept this important sexual role that is our birthright! Now to get on with the act of proper seductress/seducer here are some thoughts:

For many this will start with needed self-esteem work. Who couldn’t use some help in this area? Loving yourself enough so you can allow for someone else to love you and touch you, is an important task we must all be willing to face. There are many great self-help books and workbooks on this theme and individual/marital therapy is also a good option.
Be willing to look at yourself differently regarding your sexuality. If you define yourself as the one who has the “lower sex drive” this will more than likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do not label yourself in this negative fashion. And if unpleasant or disillusioned sexual experiences have left you feeling that better sex is not worth working for- challenge that notion as well.
Educate yourself regarding your body. Women in general sometimes don’t even know the names of all their sexual parts – much less what everything is supposed to do or be used for. Educate yourself on the body of the opposite sex. Be aware of how this sexual process is meant to work. The book you mention is an excellent resource- And They Were Not Ashamed.
No, we do not want to be extinguishing sexual thoughts in marriage – we want to be fanning them as we would a fire. This does take regular vigilance. Thinking positively about our spouse (the physical, emotional and personality traits), versus focusing on the negatives that bother or annoy. Taking the time to be romantic: date nights, sending flowers, love notes, anything that shows we are willing to give of ourselves. Be forgiving of imperfections.
Creativity, open communication and the safety to be honest are all crucial steps to increased intimacy. And we need to understand that this is an ongoing process. If feeling in a rut or “stuck,” marital therapy can be highly beneficial. Couples do not need to be on the throes of divorce for therapy to be considered. In fact, therapy is usually more beneficial when couples are still wanting to improve upon their relationships instead of wanting to get out.
For the spouse that has the higher sex drive it is important to encourage any sexy behavior that your partner feels comfortable displaying. Give freely of compliments. Harping on a spouse about not having enough sex is probably the most unsexy thing one can do and will not help the sexual cause. Be willing to challenge yourself and change your sexual come-ons as well as be willing to listen to the emotional and physical needs of your spouse.
If your wife is pregnant, please do everything you can to help her feel sexy and desired in her changing body. Not only is she dealing with a new body image, but with many hormones that affect her sexual drive as well. This will also be the case after the baby comes, when she is dealing with uterine contractions, breast feeding, sleep deprivation, etc.
Simply Sweet Marriage is a site dedicated to finding erotic tools, games, clothing, etc. without its visitors having to deal with any inappropriate, crass or pornographic material. What a useful tool to help us increase our level of creativity!
Sex therapy can also be part of the equation, especially for couples dealing with ongoing sexual problems. Go to aasect.org for more information.
It is important also to remember that for many, sexual dysfunction can be a result of some type of sexual trauma that took place earlier in life. And many times the spouses may not even know that this trauma exists. It is so imperative to get professional and even priesthood help in these situations.

Regardless of how dire your marital sexual situation may seem, you must know that it IS possible to change our sexual behaviors, underlying sexual shame if it exists, and sexual self-esteem. It takes patience, love, and a lot of work. But it is a worthwhile goal to have with wondrous and life-changing results as possibilities.

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