Do I have a right to be upset about wives who deny sexuality from their husbands?

Last updated on: May 18, 2009 at 3:10 pm by Natasha Helfer

Do I have a right to be upset about wives who deny sexuality from their husbands? 2009-05-18T15:10:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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As a woman I find wives who DENY sexuality from their husbands completely deplorable. To the point of anger! I understand that anger comes as a second emotion, and that I am sad and frustrated. I am not talking about the wife who has cancer or some other problem. I am talking about a “normal” wife who refuses herself from her respectful husband. I find that many LDS women believe that sex is only for having babies. I also see them treat women who like having sex as women that will “go to hell”. How can they think that marriage is a place for roommates!? The physical intimacy in marriage is what sets the relationship apart from other relationships. They fail to recognize their needs and the needs of their spouse. These women refuse to even see the need to work on their sexual intimacy. To me these sexual differences are grounds for even a temple divorce. I have looked at myself and my past and wondered where my anger comes from. I am not sure. When I read or hear about husbands in those situations, I literally ache and sometimes cry.
Some of these same women are outstanding community and church members. How can they hold a temple recommend, and deny their husbands? I am confused and very bothered by this double standard. I think God isn’t happy about it either. I see it as Satan’s tool to get the “good girl”.
How can I be more compassionate? Or Do I really have a right to be upset?

It is interesting to me that you express so much anger regarding an issue that does not seem to affect you personally. I wonder if there is more to your story than you are sharing at this time or even completely aware of? But you do have many valid points. Here are some thoughts:

Any time we are facing feelings of anger, the best way to dissipate those feelings, is to try to look at the situation from the other point of view using our empathic skills. Usually when there is sexual dysfunction within a marriage there can be a variety and even combination of factors that attribute to the process: past issues with sexual abuse (statistics show that this affects 1 out of 3 women!), being raised in an environment where sexuality was seen as dirty or deplorable, own feelings of sexual guilt due to what is deemed as sexual mistakes in previous relationships (i.e. pre-marital sex or “going too far”), harbored feelings of anger/resentment towards spouse, self-esteem issues regarding body image, etc. None of these reasons make it correct to abstain from sex in a marriage, but they do present underlying reasons as to why a couple may be struggling.
We all know that sex for women is much more of a psychological process than it is for men. So, if there are underlying issues, it can be extremely difficult for a woman to legitimately feel “turned on,” become lubricated (which if she doesn’t, sex can be painful), feel sexy, and respond in a sexual fashion to her spouse. The sexual dysfunction can run so deep that some women can actually experience distressing flash backs, anxiety attacks, re-traumatization, nausea (a “sick” feeling inside), etc. when approached sexually – even if it is in a loving, legitimate fashion. Our sexuality is such a personal experience that once any negative effect takes place, it can start a detrimental cycle for both involved that can feel difficult to recover from.
Hopefully women who find themselves in this situation would become willing to address the issue at hand, become educated and seek professional help (through individual, marital and sex therapy). Usually these women know at some level that they are not completely fulfilled but just lack the wherewith all to know how to get help. And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson is a good starting point as far as reading material. She does an excellent job of describing the “good girl syndrome.”
For those who find themselves on the other side of the issue, it is imperative to approach these women with kindness and patience (remembering that there may be very painful underlying issues that you are not aware of – even if you’re the spouse). However, it is absolutely appropriate to lovingly challenge incorrect thoughts and perceptions regarding sexuality. All of us are more apt to be willing to listen when things are presented in a way that is easy to listen to. “I am concerned…”, “I love you and think you are amazing, and yet I don’t agree with what you just said…”, “I’m concerned for the natural needs your husband has. Do you ever consider that…?” etc.

Your position on this issue, especially as a woman, can prove beneficial to many women you come in contact with through the service you provide at church. I hope you will be able to harness the feelings of anger enough so that Heavenly Father can use you as a much needed and useful tool for your fellow sisters.

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