Is occasional masturbation by a married person OK?

Last updated on: September 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm by Natasha Helfer

Is occasional masturbation by a married person OK? 2012-09-24T14:05:24-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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“1-It has addictive qualities.
2-The thoughts and fantasies that go along with masturbation can be inappropriate.

3-When married individuals masturbate independently of their spouses, it takes away from the possibilities within the marital sexual relationship.” Cited from What about Masturbation?

With these thoughts in mind, what would you say about occasional (1-3 times a month) masturbation by a married person, without use of pornography or fantasizing about people other than one’s spouse, in situations where either sex together is not possible due to being apart, or when one spouse is charged up and the other is not?

Thank you, and I look forward to your thoughts.

These situations you are referring to would, for the most part, not concern me as a mental health clinician. For one, there is no sign of the frequency being indicative of an addiction. Secondly, it is refreshing and healthy to hear that the thoughts of one’s spouse can be so sexually arousing.

The challenges I would present are as follows:

Is the spouse aware of the masturbation taking place or is this done in secrecy? I would highly recommend that the spouse be part of the process. If one is not comfortable disclosing this information to the spouse, then I begin to feel nervous about the honesty and intimacy levels that become possible to achieve as a couple. I realize that within Mormon culture many men are embarrassed by their masturbatory practices and that many women would be surprised to learn that their husbands masturbate at all. However, this is a prime opportunity for an open discussion regarding sexuality that can strengthen the relationship and move the couple towards a more intimate and loving relationship.
Sex through technological means usually has negative connotations and yet can be a creative and fun outlet for married couples (as long as you take precautions that these methods are used confidentially). When couples are separated due to business trips, vacations, deployments, etc. it can behoove them to use telephone and computer outlets to reach out to each other sexually. Having to talk or write to each other in sexual ways can open all kinds of new sexual possibilities that both can find pleasurable and exciting. Masturbation as a joint process can be exhilarating and bond producing for both as you describe it to one another. This is also a time (as well as in regular sexual play) when women can find the use of a vibrator useful.
There are always going to be times in a marriage where one spouse is feeling aroused and the other is not. This is absolutely normal. Unfortunately, this can lead to a lot of hurt feelings, distancing and miscommunication. If a couple can move from the point of seeing these moments as personal attacks or problems to a normal part of married life, it can be highly beneficial to their sexual connection.
Are we willing to look at our sexual lives through the lens of givers instead of takers? In other words, when our spouse needs that physical outlet, are we willing to find a creative way to provide that for them (i.e. the infamous “quickie,” being present through a masturbation session, letting your spouse rub against you, etc.). When our spouse is not able to provide the physical outlet for whatever reason, are we able to restrain at the moment and look forward to the next time? My only hesitation in mentioning this is that stereotypically (not always) women are more often in the sexual position of giving and not taking. I hope that women would be willing to give of themselves physically to their husbands understanding that sex is a strong desire for most men. At the same time I hope that men realize that women take much longer to become aroused and take the time to consider their wife’s sexual needs. Foreplay for women is not just about the physical body- it is highly psychological. It’s amazing how changing diapers, washing dishes, or being otherwise helpful and aware can help your wife get in the appropriate mood. It feels so good to be a giver!
When we know that our spouse is being the giver, are we outwardly thankful? Do we take the time to acknowledge the gift and show our appreciation? It is so important to make sure our spouse is not feeling “used” or that this is the only aspect of the relationship that one cares about. Making sure our spouse feels appreciated helps both feel more connected and helps them want to give again. This can go a long way for the next sexual encounter.
As far as our relationship with the church regarding this issue, my experience has been that the outcome depends largely on the individuals involved. For some, any masturbation would create a large amount of guilt in their strive for perfection while others see this as perfectly normal in the range of being “human”. Some would see this as a reason to speak with their bishops, others would not. And even bishops will deal with this type of situation differently as to how serious it is considered. Another one of those “gray” areas I speak of often. I would encourage couples to discuss this issue openly with each other and with their bishops if either sees a need to do so. However, do not incur rigid, unnecessary or inappropriate levels of guilt for yourself or your spouse. Your sexuality as a couple will only suffer as a result.

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