How would you recommend dealing with the jealousy that a spouse feels due to the knowledge that the other spouse was sexually active before marriage?

Last updated on: April 30, 2009 at 9:49 pm by Natasha Helfer

How would you recommend dealing with the jealousy that a spouse feels due to the knowledge that the other spouse was sexually active before marriage? 2009-04-30T21:49:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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This can be such a sad situation for both people in the marriage to deal with. On the one hand, the spouse who acted sexually prior to the marriage has been honest about their sexual history and therefore, opened the door to the possibility of a deeper intimacy level within the relationship. On the other hand, this information has caused pain and disillusionment for the partner who put their sexual desires on hold until marriage. This destroys a certain fantasy that was more than likely held by the latter. However, it is paramount that this person be able to rely on the concepts of forgiveness and the atonement for the relationship to move forward in its healthiest form. Here are some thoughts and recommendations:

For those who are about to marry, you should be honest and forthcoming about your sexual pasts. Starting your marriage with a lie is undermining a healthy foundation. The anxiety surrounding secrecy is lethal to intimacy. However, you do not need to share every intimate detail regarding your history- just basic information.
For those who are currently living in a marriage where this secret is still under wraps, I encourage you to find the courage to disclose. I know there is a lot of anxiety and stress related to disclosing a secret and there may even be fear of losing the relationship. But you must trust the “honesty process”. It will free your soul, and make way for something much better than what you currently have.
It may be difficult to accept, but spouses have no right to continue to hold their partner accountable for mistakes made and taken care of appropriately through the repentance process before the marriage took place. In essence you are standing in the way of your partner being able to fully reap the benefits of the atonement. It is time to let go and move on. If you need help in this process, get it.
In some cases, the sexually active person may have entered the marriage without having gone through the appropriate repentance channels and/or lied about their history altogether. The underlying reasons in most situations where this is the case are fear and shame- fear of losing membership or other discipline within the church, fear of not being able to have a temple wedding, fear of losing the relationship, shame regarding self, etc. If you are the spouse in this situation you may feel betrayed, a loss of trust or that your relationship up to this point has been a lie. You have a right to be angry and to take the time needed to work through these feelings. However, I would also encourage you to take into account the courage it took your partner to finally “come clean” and look forward to the new possibilities that await you now that your relationship is in a more open and honest place.
It is helpful to remember that the experiences your partner has had up to the point of meeting you (both good and bad) have helped form the person you chose to marry. You saw redeeming qualities and strengths in this person you fell in love with that are directly or indirectly related to their entire life story.
For those who are finding out that their spouse has been sexually active in a previous relationship, it can be very difficult to get certain images out of your head. We tend to make erotic or romanticize situations that are left up to our imaginations- kind of like a personal movie trailer (doesn’t show the whole story, just the supposed best & exciting parts). This can be damaging and exhausting for not only the person having the thoughts but to the relationship in general. If you find that you cannot shake these thoughts or that they continue to torture you, it is probably time to seek some professional and/or priesthood help. Getting an objective opinion can be very beneficial to sorting out these confusing feelings and frustrations.
As far as the feelings of jealousy: they are so unproductive and destroy self-esteem. The fact of the matter is your spouse chose you! If something was so great somewhere else, then that person would have stayed somewhere else. Please don’t allow this negativity to poison all that you could have and all that you already have. You have each other – fight for that!
If you are in the position where you have gone through the repentance process and your spouse continues to hold previous sins over your head, it is time to respectfully communicate that this is not an acceptable state for the relationship to remain. It is devastatingly damaging to your self-esteem, builds upon your possible sense of shame & embarrassment, and is tearing you down in general. It is also devastatingly damaging to the relationship. How can one feel safe, supported and intimate with one who continues to shame with past mistakes?
The scriptures are full of wonderful, inspiring, thoughtful, mercy-producing, and hope- filling messages regarding forgiveness and the atonement. These are such underlying principles with such far reaching effects! We all make mistakes in one form or another. How do we want to be treated when we fall? Especially by our most cherished partner? We want to be lifted up, edified and forgiven. Make a point of searching the scriptures for these types of passages that can offer such healing.

I hope the following scriptures and excerpts are useful.

Hebrews 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

Doctrine & Covenants 58:42 Behold, he (she) who has repented of his (her) sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:9 Ye ought to forgive one another.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

President James E Faust states in The Healing Power of Forgiveness:
“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.”

“Forgiveness is …rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” Dr. Sidney Simon in Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life (1990).

“Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e’en forgiven now by me.” Reverently and Meekly Now, Hymns, no. 185.

“Kindness, love, patience, understanding, and unity will increase…
while intolerance, jealousy, …and selfishness decrease or disappear.” Service, a Divine Quality by Elder Carlos H. Amado

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