Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

The Mormon Therapist

Home
Latter-day Saint
Health, Fitness and Religion
How would you define pornography?

How would you define pornography?

Last updated on: April 8, 2009 at 7:34 am by Natasha Helfer

How would you define pornography? 2009-04-08T07:34:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Are the magazines Sports Illustrated Swim Edition and Maxim considered porn? How would you define pornography? How would you direct someone who found out that their spouse is looking at pornography, but has denied it in the past? How should they address the issue in the best way if the spouse doesn’t know that they know? And where do you go from there?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines pornography as:

the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction

The definition that the church has posted on www.lds.org is:
Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media, including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet.

With these somewhat loose definitions in place we realize that we are pretty much continually surrounded by pornography. It does not just entail a subject being nude or participating in a specific sexual act. It is anything that is intended to cause sexual excitement. So we have billboards, ads, movies, TV shows, magazines, etc., etc. that we are all subjected to on a daily basis that would be deemed to contain pornography. Of course, like most things, there are varying degrees of seriousness on the continuum of pornography. Although still inappropriate and not spiritually uplifting, the magazines you mention in your question are on the lower end of the continuum. This is not to minimize them, it’s just the reality in comparison to all of the other types of pornography that are out there that are increasingly more serious and harmful. What subscribers of these types of magazines need to be aware of is that, just like with violence, the human brain becomes desensitized to the images we see. As this process takes place, it takes more enticing images to create the same level of excitement. This can quickly spiral out of control and for many it begins the process of sexual addiction. Even if individuals do not become “addicted” per Se, any level of purposeful pornographic usage (including the magazines you mentioned) is going to affect the level of intimacy one is able to build with one’s spouse.

As far as the situation you find yourself in, my main piece of advice would be focused around the communication that needs to take place between you and your spouse. If you know he/she is looking at pornography, you need to confront and address the issue head on. It is unfortunately natural for people who are participating in inappropriate behavior to deny it when confronted, lie about it or minimize it in some way. This has to do primarily with two emotions: shame and fear. Shame about the behavior they already feel guilty about and don’t want to admit to another – it’s embarrassing. Then there is fear regarding how the spouse will now perceive the other, whether or not the behavior in question will put the relationship in jeopardy, and a myriad of other consequences that could be assumed possible. The communication hints I can offer you are:

Take some time to prepare what you are going to say. Pray and reflect on what your approach will be and what you want the desired outcome to look like. Visualize and practice what you want to communicate and be prepared for several responses (from “I’m so sorry, you’re right” to “I don’t know what you’re talking about or what you’re making such a big deal about.”)
Keep calm. There is no need to raise your voice or become demeaning in your confrontation. Your basic message needs to be “I am aware of this problem, I deem it a problem for you and for me, and I want to be able to talk about it.”
Try to begin and end with a positive (the sandwich approach). “I love you and want the best for our relationship. I am aware that you have been looking at pornography. I’m not sure what this is about for you but I want to try to understand where you are coming from. I’m afraid and confused about this issue and I don’t want things to get worse. There are so many things I respect about you such as…. I hope we can work through this together.”
Respectfully share your feelings. “I want to be a safe place for you to talk about this problem. I want us to work through this as a team. At the same time, I need you to know that I am angry, hurt and confused. I feel betrayed.”
Do not become a victim. Although you can be very loving and respectful in how you approach your spouse, you should not accept statements where the spouse tries to blame you for this problem or where you are pressured to accept that this behavior is acceptable. “For whatever reason, you may think this is OK, but you need to know that this is not OK with me. This is a form of infidelity. Both secular and church teachings back me up on this.” “We may have problems in our own sexual relationship, and I am willing to look at and work on those, but that does not justify your current behavior.” “This is not something I am willing to ignore or allow in our marriage.”
If the spouse refuses to own up to their behavior, you need to call them on it (this is of course assuming you are positive it is happening – some spouses allow fear and paranoia to make assumptions that are just not true due to their own insecurities – this is usually not the case but it happens). “I realize this is probably difficult to own up to. However, I know I am not making this up and I know that we need to deal with this. Maybe you need some time to come to me on your own terms. Why don’t we set up a time in the next few days where we can talk about this again?” If the spouse ultimately refuses to admit to the problem, be clear that you plan on seeking help with or without them.
Notice how through all of my examples I mainly use “I-messages.” It is a lot easier as a recipient of a conversation to remain less defensive when one doesn’t feel attacked. Instead of “You make me feel unloved and miserable” it makes a big difference to say “Because of this situation I feel unloved and miserable.”
Be willing to listen. There may be parts of this problem that will be difficult to listen to and that might provoke anger and resentment. But if you can tap into the pain and inadequacies your spouse is feeling it will be a lot easier to stay an engaged partner and a helpmate throughout this process. Listening and validating do not mean agreeing with or forgiving. “I can understand how you might feel that way. That doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I do understand.”
Be willing to get professional and/or priesthood help as a couple. It can be so useful to have a mediator to control the heated feelings, conflicts and disagreements you may encounter as you begin to discuss this problem. You may also need to look at overall issues regarding the sexuality within your marriage. Issues regarding sexuality many times have deeper seeded histories than the current relationship.

It is helpful to remember that Heavenly Father wants both you and your husband to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Many things can get in the way of this. But ultimately you both need to know that this is a worthwhile and very possible goal.

Previous Post

April 8, 2009

Commentary: Get help for pornography use!

Next Post

April 9, 2009 How do I go about finding a therapist for my husband?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

Follow Us!

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who is the "friend at midnight" in one of Jesus' parables?

Select your answer to see how you score.

An angel A soldier A neighbor seeking bread A fisherman

Related posts from The Mormon Therapist

Latter-day Saint

RECLAIM YOUR TRUE SELF

The Mormon Therapist

Latter-day Saint

Comments on Navigating Mixed Faith Marriages

The Mormon Therapist

Latter-day Saint

The Mormon Therapist

Latter-day Saint

A Letter to Mixed Faith Couples

The Mormon Therapist

TRENDING AT PATHEOS Latter-day Saint

Did Prayer Cure His Cancer? Or Was It...

At 4 AM one morning, Joshua W. Brown’s wife awoke to a...

8 Ways a Near-Death Experience Rewires the Soul

Does Consciousness Survive Physical Death? After 50 Years of Research, Dr. Raymond...

Holy Longing: What Our Restlessness Is Telling Us

“One can find so many pains when the rain is falling.” -John...

The Making of a Dumbass

What this is NOT about. This blog is definitely not about...

Who Told You That?

Who said the Israelites were God’s chosen? That’s right, they did. Who...

The Spirit World Is the Real World: God...

A Monk’s Wisdom on Body and Spirit I sit with Brother Martin...

view all Latter-day Saint blogs

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Copyright 2008-2026, Patheos. All rights reserved.

Subscription Support Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In

Follow Patheos