What do I do when I don’t feel safe talking to my husband about sex?

Last updated on: March 7, 2009 at 1:23 pm by Natasha Helfer

What do I do when I don’t feel safe talking to my husband about sex? 2009-03-07T13:23:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I just discovered your blog and am intrigued. You mentioned in an earlier post about communicating with our spouse our view of sex–not just the fantasies. I don’t feel like I can do that with my husband. He is not a safe place to go for me. We have a different opinion about how and how often we should be having sex. Part of my opinion on that is because of insecurities that I have about my body, that sadly, he has made even worse. So when I try to express my opinions on the subject I feel like he has just gotten defensive. And his defense mechanism is to just shut down. It has been going on for a long time. In other areas of our marriage, I feel like we are doing pretty well, but this issue has lately begun to seep through our whole relationship and I feel like if we don’t take care of it soon, we won’t be able to at all.

I’m glad you found me! The issues you describe I find to be quite common in my work with LDS couples. There is a certain rigidity surrounding sexual issues that Latter-day Saints tend to deal with. Again, we all come to our marriages with our own sexual histories, sexual expectations and sexual taboos. And there is no guidebook given to us after the marriage ceremony to help us navigate through these complicated thoughts, feelings and sometimes frustrations. Here are some thoughts I had as I read through your experience:

My first recommendation is to go get couples counseling. And make sure you go to someone who is qualified to do couples work, which is very different from individual therapy. You can go to aamft.org and click on their “therapist locator” to find qualified professionals in your area. You may also consider going to a specialized sex therapist who is even more qualified to deal with sexual issues. I will do some research as to where there might be a list of qualified sex therapists and post later. The biggest mistake that couples make when it comes to seeking help, is to not get it early enough. You say that your marriage is otherwise in a good place. Then this is a perfect time to work through issues. It’s much easier than when you add years of resentment, mistrust, anger and are at the verge of seperating or just leading distant lives.
Sexuality is tied very closely with our egos, self-esteem and for many a sense of shame or embarassment. That’s why it is difficult to talk about and most of us could use some help in this department. A good therapist, whether LDS or not, should respect your religious values regarding sexuality.
It is very important to remember that the only person you have control over is yourself. And the only person who can work on your self esteem is yourself. If your partner is making comments that put you down, it can be extremely difficult to NOT have it affect your self esteem. However, ultimately your self-esteem is your own responsibility and I would recommend doing some self-esteem work. If your partner refuses to seek help with you, it is your right to seek help anyway. You can seek help from someone who is relationship oriented and still have individual work be beneficial to your marriage. Many times partners will join therapy after it has started when they are more comfortable with the idea.
There is a big difference between constructive feedback and putting somebody down. Unfortunately in marriage we can often belittle our partner or find ourselves being criticized in an unproductive way. A common self-defense mechanism that most humans participate in is that when we don’t feel good about ourselves it is easy to find faults in others. Your husband may be struggling with his own self-esteem and be putting you down as an unhealthy response to his own issues. Obviously in a marriage situation, this negative pattern can spiral to the point that affection and intimacy are greatly affected. It is perfectly reasonable to set appropriate boundaries around hurtful or negative comments (i.e. “I am not ok with you putting down the way I look. It affects my self-esteem and it is not healthy for our marriage.”)
It’s important to remember that pointing out to your husband or wife things that you don’t like about them, usually has the opposite effect of what you want.
Sometimes when it is difficult to talk about something, especially when you have a spouse who withdraws from conflict, it can be useful to write a letter instead. I would include the following elements (and notice the use of “I” statements – you want to stay away from blaming):

These are the things I love about our marriage…. These are the things that I think we are good at….
At the same time, I feel like we would both agree that we’ve been struggling in this area…
I would like to get some outside help so that we can look forward to increasing the level of intimacy and trust in our relationship…. These are some options that I am considering…
Please let me know your thoughts on the matter…..
I believe in us…..
I love you and my desire is to be closer to you…

If I was going to work with you as a couple some information that would be helpful to know about you would be:

is there any past sexual trauma for either partner?
what are your sexual histories? have you been honest with each other about your sexual histories?
what are the patterns of previous generations? what kinds of relationships were modeled? how was sex education and messages communciated about in the families of origin?
is there any past or current sexual behavior that would cause shame or secrecy (i.e. pornography use, affairs, ruminating thoughts, etc.)?
what’s the level of self-esteem work that has to be done?
are there any eating disorders involved?

Thank you so much for answering my question. I really appreciate your advice and suggestions.

You are very welcome!!

Uncategorized

Previous Post

March 6, 2009

What's there to talk about during sex?

Next Post

March 7, 2009 The Doctor is In: Link between Depression and Coronary Artery Disease

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Abortion Abuse Addiction Adolescents Anger Anxiety BDSM Bipolar Disorder Body Image Boundaries Children Circumcision Civil Rights Consent COVID19-Coronavirus Death Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Erectile Dysfunction Faith Crisis/Faith Transition Gender Identity Gender Roles Gospel Teachings Grief Homosexuality Infidelity LGBTQ LGBTQ+ Male Issues Marriage Masturbation Menopause Mental Health Mindfulness Miscarriage Missions Mixed-Faith Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Parenting Perfectionism Physical Abuse Physical Health Pornography Premature Ejaculation PTSD Race Relations Relationships Rest Righteousness Self Care Self Injury Self-Esteem Sexual Abuse Sexual Disorders Sexual Education Sexuality Single Adults Social Media Spirituality Suicide Survey Temple Issues Transgender Health Trauma Uncategorized Violence Women's Issues Word of Wisdom

Select a Month September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 December 2018 November 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 July 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 April 2014 February 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: The greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.

Select your answer to see how you score.

TRUE FALSE