My husband is gay. Am I crazy to think that our marriage can make it?

Last updated on: March 1, 2009 at 12:47 pm by Natasha Helfer

My husband is gay. Am I crazy to think that our marriage can make it? 2009-03-01T12:47:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Full question:
A few weeks ago, my husband sat me down and told me he is gay. We have both been on emotional roller coaster ever since. Am I crazy to think that our marriage can make it?

My overriding answer to this question is YES, you can make it!! I don’t mean to sound glib in my response for I am well aware that many couples in this situation choose to separate. This is a very personal and extremely difficult position for the two of you to be in. If you want to stay together, it will be the fight of your life. You will be up against cultural, sexual, relational and individual factors that will leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and doubtful. The following are some factors that any couple in this position need to take an honest look at:

Are there children involved?
Is the marriage otherwise healthy? Or are there many other issues of conflicts?
What has your sex life looked like up to now?
Has the gay partner acted on the homosexual feelings or not? Has there been an extramarital affair, pornography involvement, etc.?
If so, how long have these behaviors been in place? If the partner is involved with another person, how serious is this relationship?
How seeded are the patterns of dishonesty?
How open are you both to rediscovering your relationship, both emotionally and sexually?
Is there a desire by both partners to stay together, or only one?

In following blogs I will take a closer look at each of these factors.
Some basic information that you need to consider:

Most LDS men who find themselves in this position have been hopeful that this is a problem that they would grow out of, pray themselves out of, fast themselves out of, etc. They have been waiting for a miracle, which quite frankly our doctrine teaches is possible. If we are perfect enough, anything is possible, right? Unfortunately, this just does not happen – at least not that I have come across. So these men grow up going to church, go on their missions, return honorably and marry in the temple, have children, all along expecting this problem to go away. When it doesn’t, they blame themselves: “I have not been righteous enough.” In the process, they have weaved a life full of dishonesty, shame and embarrassment. If your spouse has come to you finally disclosing this information, you can at least take comfort in the amount of courage it took to tell you.
Just because your spouse has told you this now, does not mean they will be completely honest with you from here on out. They have been living a life full of lies and in essence, lying has become a habit. They may also be testing the waters to see how you take this information before they offer up more.
Homosexual drives do not go away. There is no “cure” per se. Our sexual drives are incredibly complex with many factors that attribute to them. We have very little control of HOW we get turned on. The only thing we can control is what we do AFTER we get turned on. And even that, as most of us can attribute to, is very difficult.
If homosexual behavior has been acted upon you can expect relapse. This is incredibly important to know so you can honestly assess whether or not you will be able or willing to stay in the relationship.
If you do stay together, you should not expect to be celibate. This is not what Heavenly Father wants for either of you. This is why openess and creativity are paramount to solving your sexual relationship. However, this takes time, rebuilding trust, and is quite frankly one of the last steps you should be working on in this process. You have a lot of work to do before you start worrying about this.
Honesty will be your biggest challenge. Rebuilding the trust. Shame is your biggest enemy. Is your marriage a safe enough place to be completely honest? To accept each other fully and completely? With all flaws, with all sin, with all soul? This is not just the role of one spouse. You both need to be safe places to fall for the other. Unfortunately, because of the dishonesty that has been harboring in these relationships, the anger, and the resentment – many times the safety is no longer there. Are you both willing to try to rebuild it? This is where it is important to discern if the relationship has turned abusive.
Believe it or not, this experience can offer a higher level of intimacy than either one of you have ever experienced before. I’m not just speaking of sexual intimacy, but emotional and spiritual as well. Couples that go through this process together have the possibility of building a relationship based on trust, friendship, acceptance and love that was not previously possible. As long as we hide things from each other, we limit the amount of intimacy we can share. I love the doctrine of opposition – I call it “the opposite factor”. For the same amount of despair, hopelessness and pain we can feel on one end of the spectrum, there is another end of that same spectrum. If not for pain, we could not feel joy.
Do not do this alone. Speak to your priesthood leaders if possible. If you’re not able to at this time, seek professional, confidential help. Until you have a better sense of what direction you are planning to take as a couple, I do not recommend speaking with family members or friends. Although, well meaning, it is very difficult for them to stay objective in the advice they give.
Do not make any rash decisions. Take the time to figure things out in the best way possible for your situation.

Please feel free to contact me with other questions.

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