I don’t want to break up my family. Is forcing myself to make this marriage work my only option?

Last updated on: March 3, 2009 at 5:46 pm by Natasha Helfer

I don’t want to break up my family. Is forcing myself to make this marriage work my only option? 2009-03-03T17:46:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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Natasha, maybe you could help with my question. I’m an LDS woman, married for almost 19 years, with 3 children (youngest is 11, oldest is 17). I feel trapped because I was not ready or mature enough when I got married to know what I wanted, and I haven’t ever been in love, or attracted to my husband. I went through the motions and did what I was taught that I was supposed to do, gave up on any goals that I had because I didn’t have enough self-esteem to believe in them anyway, and lived in the fog of depression and dissociation for many years.
Eventually, my depression bottomed out and my self-injury and suicide plans that I was very close to following through with but didn’t, scared me enough that I woke up and have been trying to reclaim my life since six years ago.
I went back to school, and started a career, and I don’t have the balance right yet, but I’ve been to the workaholic extreme and trying to even it out now.
I have great kids, and I don’t want to hurt or abandon them, but I’m never going to be happy in this marriage. I never was attracted to him, but tried to accomodate him anyway, and sex feels like a re-enactment of childhood sexual abuse. I don’t want to be touched at all, can’t stand kissing, etc. I can’t remember being attracted to any man, and have wondered if I might be more comfortable with a woman, but can’t go there of course, other than maybe in fantasy (strict rules – no fantasies with real people in them).
I can’t be what my husband needs. If I try to satisfy his sexual needs, I fall apart and can’t function at all – I literally got to the point that the next day I couldn’t even figure out how to dress myself. I don’t really even want to work on a romantic relationship, even without the sex. It feels like time for me to grow up and leave home, more like he is a second parent than a husband.
I don’t want to break up my family, but I don’t think that I can ever be me this way. Is forcing myself to make this work my only option?

First of all, it sounds like you are successfully doing what I counsel most people who are unhappy in their relationships to do: WORK ON SELF. The fact that you have focused on your self-esteem, schooling and career is a step in the right direction. Many times we look to our “other half” for our identities or happiness, instead of creating our own. Once you start creating your own happiness and self satisfaction you automatically begin to change the dance within your relationship. What are other areas where you can continue this self exploration (i.e. hobbies, book clubs, healthy friendships, etc.)?
The realistic fact is that most of us were too young or did not know what we wanted when we got married. It is through the process of marriage that most of us start realizing our full identities, potential, goals, dreams, etc. This is why the process of staying married can be difficult. We find ourselves in a relationship that can sometimes seem to contradict our individual needs or wants. Don’t be discouraged by this fact. Whether or not you stay with your husband has more to do with how willing the two of you are to recreate your relationship than the reasons why you got together in the first place.
Children are an excellent incentive to stay in a marriage. Sometimes it can be the only reason people can find to stay married. Although, you don’t want this to be the case long term, it is an ok place to begin. Divorce does have many negative implications for children and parents need to be aware of these before resorting to this type of decision.
If you are ever dealing with suicidal thoughts again, it is imperative you seek professional help. Not only would you end your own life, but the implications for your children are devastating. There are many helpful medicines that can help both with depression and dissociation. When medicine is deemed necessary, research shows that it is most effective when combined with psychotherapy. Ask your primary care physician for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Have you sought professional help as a couple? Does your husband know you feel this way about the marriage? Is he willing to seek help with you? If your husband is willing to join you in this process it can be surprising how the issues of attraction, sexuality, and overall interest in the other can be significantly improved.
Have you ever sought professional help for previous sexual abuse issues? A history of sexual abuse usually brings with it many complicated relational and sexual problems, including what may seem like inappropriate fantasies. This is not abnormal. However, leaving your marriage will not solve these problems for you. It is within a supportive relationship that many times these problems can best be solved. Getting to a point with your husband where you are comfortable doing this could be a worthwhile goal.
Forcing yourself to stay in your marriage is not your only option. That would go against our entire doctrine of agency. And with agency come both positive and negative consequences. Divorce and separation are obviously other options you have. However, many times people find that the fantasy these options present is not all it’s cracked up to be. Many of your problems will continue after divorce. Your relationship with your husband will and should continue indefinitely as a co-parent. Your issues with sexuality/attraction will continue and most likely follow you into new relationships. Once new relationships foster, you are now dealing with complex step-parenting issues that bring about a whole new set of problems for all involved.
Although things may seem dire (as humans we tend to focus on the negative aspects of our lives), I am sure that you and your husband have shared some good times in the last 19 years. For one, you have created three beautiful individuals. There must have been something that you were attracted to about him that helped you make the decision to marry him instead of somebody else. It may be worthwhile to start making a list of anything you can think of that is positive about this person, your relationship with this person or his relationship with your children. Is this a temple marriage? Looking at your marriage through the “eternal perspective” lens – what does that offer you?
In short I offer the following suggestions: individual therapy to deal with depression and previous history of sexual abuse; couples therapy; and finally, if couples therapy starts heading in the right direction, sex therapy. If ultimately you decide to separate, please do so in a respectful way that will help you both keep as positive of a co-parenting relationship as possible. There are mediators and counselors who specialize in this type of work. Research shows that the amount of conflict between divorced parents has a direct correlation to how well the children are able to adapt.
Please feel free to write me back with any further questions/comments. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and I respect your willingness to do so.

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