Can you provide informational postings helping LDS newlyweds?

Last updated on: March 9, 2009 at 5:48 am by Natasha Helfer

Can you provide informational postings helping LDS newlyweds? 2009-03-09T05:48:00-05:00 Natasha Helfer

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I think that this blog is an excellent idea, especially the focus on sexuality in an LDS marriage. My wife and I were married in 2007 and have unfortunately had to put a lot of time into overcoming her insecurities about her body and intimacy in general. I was lucky enough, though it didn’t seem so lucky at the time, to grow up in a house where I was taught that sex wasn’t wrong as long as it was in the proper setting and time. Along with this came sensitivity and other education, combined with my secular education on biological and psychological differences. As a result, there was a definite disparity of information on intimacy in our marriage. We are moving along fine now; however, I think that some informational postings on helping LDS newlyweds to overcome issues for males and females might be beneficial. I could certainly have used some lessons on how to help your wife through such difficult matters during such an emotional time. We found our own books that helped us through; however, with your qualifications and background, I think that you could provide a shortcut that so many young LDS newlyweds desperately need.

First of all, thank you for your comments. I’m in total agreement that many LDS newlyweds could use more information regarding their sexuality and intimacy than is currently available. It would be beneficial if you would be willing to share the resources you and your wife found helpful. I would be happy to post them as part of the resource section of this blog.
Each newlywed couple presents with unique histories, issues, strengths and weaknesses that start them down the road of their marriage. However, here is some basic information that I hope every couple would find useful.

Premarital counseling can be an incredibly useful tool for any couple about to get married. A good therapist will walk you through many different topics that include finances, expectations, values, conflict styles, and sexuality. This is especially important in the LDS community when couples have a tendency to get married after short engagements and don’t have as much time to figure things out on their own.
A huge mistake that couples and/or individuals can make is to go through a temple marriage feeling unworthy of doing so. Whether it’s an individual sin or a sin that the couple has participated in together, this starts the marriage on a very wrong footing. I realize that it can be incredibly difficult to call off a temple wedding because it now turns your private problem into a public and often shaming event. But it really is not worth it. The guilt, secrecy and shame that go along with this can be the entire foundation to a couple’s marriage which is entirely detrimental to intimacy and self-esteem. It is important for those surrounding a couple (parents, friends, family and church leaders) to be extremely supportive if this ends up being the case. I would much rather see a couple marry outside of the temple and return a year later feeling worthy to be there, than to begin down a road of guilt, blame and sorrow. We need to get better at applying the atonement in these situations. They are much more common than we realize.
It is important to be open and honest with your partner about your sexual history. This does not necessarily mean sharing every little detail. But your sexual history is very much a part of yourself and withholding that information in essence withholds your vulnerability and ability to be intimate with your spouse. Many do not share history because they are afraid that they will lose this person they love. Quite frankly, if the fiancee you’re with cannot accept you the way you come, it may be worth finding someone else who will. Guilt trips are not worthwhile! If there have been sexual indiscretions before the marriage it’s time to forgive. If the person who has made a mistake has gone through the repentance process, then the other really has no place to judge or belittle. If you are dealing with same-gender attraction, you need to share this information with your loved one.
It can be especially difficult for couples if one enters the marriage with sexual experience and the other doesn’t. The one who has not had previous experience can feel inadequate and self-conscious. They can find themselves ruminating over what they imagine the other person has done and having difficulty controlling these thoughts. Again, intimacy is affected and it is time to seek outside help.
Some of the issues that come up just have to do with different sexual expectations. Differences in how often to engage in sexual activity, what kinds of sexual activity are appropriate within a marriage, and having differing styles of arousal. These issues are actually quite common in most marriages and have a lot to do with how we were raised, our physiological traits, our gender and how we interpret gospel teachings. These are most successfully resolved when couples can talk about sex openly, when anxiety is checked and when judgement is not forthcoming. This can also be a time to seek professional help if you are having a hard time talking about things as described above.
If there has been any history of sexual abuse, it is likely that the spouse does not know. The shame and secrecy regarding this issue runs deep and many people do not disclose this kind of information until middle age – if ever. If you are a spouse of someone who has disclosed a sexual abuse history, know your role is one of patience, unconditional love, non-judgement and safety. Professional help is vital in these cases and the spouse should be somewhat involved in this treatment.
If there are any issues of vaginal pain with penetration, vaginal dryness or any other physical discomfort when it comes to having sex, please see your physician. The same goes with any type of erectile dysfunction. There are medical & psychological diagnoses as well as hormonal issues that could be affecting you physically. Both psychotherapy and drug treatment can be useful in these cases.
Remember that your sexuality is divine. It is of God. It has two main purposes – both essential to the plan of happiness. First, to bring children to this world and form your family. What a miracle this is! Second, to bring you closer to your spouse in a way that literally fuses you together – skin to skin, soul to soul. When a married couple achieves climax together, there is no other physical, pleasurable experience that can match it. When you lie with your spouse, do you see the divinity within them? Do you see the divinity within yourself? Do you see yourselves as God sees you? That the adversary is most interested in distorting and limiting this divine power should be of no surprise to any of us. Do not let him do that within your marriage! Do not let him do that within your body image! Use your combined strengths, creativity, and knowledge to get on the right sexual path. Once you start this journey, it has no end. You can always make it better and you will look forward to many intimate experiences in your future.

Research shows that couples who have a happy sex life report it being 10% of what they think about. Couples who do not have a happy sex life report it being 90% of what they think about. So it’s important to nip problems in the bud and seek help when sexual problems are getting worse rather than better.

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