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14 Things Your Muslim Wife *Really* Won’t Tell You (Snark Edition)

14 Things Your Muslim Wife Really Won’t Tell You (Snark Edition)

Last updated on: June 26, 2014 at 2:00 am by Guest Contributor

14 Things Your Muslim Wife *Really* Won’t Tell You (Snark Edition) 2014-06-25T16:12:31-04:00 Guest Contributor

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The guest post was lovingly created by a think tank of trying-to-be Ideal Muslimahs with an eye for issues of concern to Muslim women, such as sexuality, polygamy, reality, and other such dangerous ideas.

Muslim Village offers (somewhat bewildering) advice about what Muslim men won’t tell their wives, and a brother (erroneously) speaking on behalf of sisters over at Muslim Marriage Guide has explained what Muslim wives won’t tell their husbands. While attempting to memorize by heart this advice, it occurred to us at the Ideal Muslimah think tank that we should return the favor. Here is the unveiling of the mysterious inner thoughts that Muslim women – who obviously have overlooked the hadith “adDeen anNaseeha” (“This religion is good advice”) – won’t tell you, but are absolutely the seductive truth and necessary for Muslim men to ponder for the greater good of the Ummah.

1) We get it. You’re a man. Amir of the household. But acting like a tyrant and thinking that tyranny = masculinity just makes you seem like you’re overcompensating for something. (Of course, you probably are. But she wouldn’t tell you that…)

2) She’s knows you think the angels will be angry with her, but did you know you she is considering making dua against you for being a constant oppressor?

3) You think she’s not enough of “a lady in society and a whore in the bedroom” for you? Yeah, well, she’s looking up fatwahs for battery-operated spousal replacements. Because a personal Rabbit friend furtively purchased online at 25% off has more imagination and thoughtfulness than you do.

4) She doesn’t do so much more than you because she believes it’s “woman’s work”; rather, she does it because she has come to accept that you are a useless, overgrown child.

5) She knows you’re probably looking at other women because of “the fitnah” but since your standards of hygiene involve spraying on gag-inducing attar instead of taking a shower, she’s taking advantage of all the first glances she can too. And trust us, guys, there are some mighty fine first-glance-worthy specimens out there.

6) She has fantasies of you. Many fantasies. Most of which involve the ridiculous, unrealistic idea that you’ll actually take responsibility for your own actions and learn how to be a *real* man (yes, that was a double entendre).

7) She would love a sparkly surprise, but since you can’t even remember which brand of mayonnaise the kids will eat, she has completely given up on your ability to shop thoughtfully.

8) She kind of wishes you’d take a second wife. Or even a third. She could do with a regular weekly break from you. Yes, she may feel a moment of pity for the poor sucker who marries you, but… Eh. It was only a moment.

9) Conversely, nah, she doesn’t really (often) think about divorcing you because though you say “Women are like candy, and men want to try four different flavors,” she worries that any other man will be just as bland as you.

10) She longs for thoughtful, intelligent, stimulating conversation on a variety of interesting subjects. She is therefore grateful for dinnertime discussions with her twelve-year-old child, while you and the 6-month-old make eerily similar grunting noises as you stare at your electronic device.

11) You don’t want her talking to “strange” men on the phone or anywhere else (unless something like a paycheck is involved), so don’t act upset when she ignores the postman or your other urgent business. She sees you pick and choose; that’s called “hypocrisy” and she hates it about you.

12) You don’t believe that your wife or daughters need a higher education and/or career, but you sure get upset when there aren’t any female specialists to tend to the female members of your family. Your wife thinks worse than this about that: @@.

13) If you wanted a partner with a life-long six pack, then maybe a childbearing woman is not for you.

14) Allah (SWT) created the female orgasm with innumerable health and emotional benefits. If your wife is not receiving this gift regularly, we can guarantee you that she is bitter, probably passive aggressive, and very likely antagonistic. YOU are the only who can rectify this affair. Go do so now (only if she wants you to, of course). Seriously, satisfying only yourself in bed is unforgivable.

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