Companionship vs Intimacy

Last updated on: April 29, 2010 at 9:00 am by Micha Boyett Hohorst

Companionship vs Intimacy 2010-04-29T09:00:50-07:00 Micha Boyett Hohorst

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

It’s been awhile since I posted about Benedictine hospitality and my hope of understanding what it means to live a life of genuine openness to others. I’ve been reading a book called Radical Hospitality: Benedict’s Way of Love, which has some good things to say despite its unfortunate quality of writing (which makes sifting the good stuff out of it a little challenging).

Yesterday, however, I came across a chapter that has been resonating with me. The chapter is titled “Companionship and Intimacy” and begins by making the claim that we no longer have clear definitions of either of those words and live our lives confused about the varying levels of closeness in relationships. The authors (Father Daniel Homan, OSB and Lonni Collins Pratt) explain their belief that our culture gives the wrong idea about the importance of intimacy: that spiritually healthy people are those who constantly “connect to others in a profound way.” (130). They go one to make the claim that despite our need for “relationships of depth,” in order to live hospitable lives we have to learn to be a simple companion to everyone we come in contact with, without forcing depth into every relationship. We learn how to fully listen, be present to the people around us, and show that we care, without always being fully known (130-131).

I’m ruminating on this. Though Homan and Pratt claim that “Media” is the culprit for teaching us the necessity of intimacy in every relationship, I’m not sure I buy that. I do, however, agree that we really don’t know how to pursue simple companionship. And I’m wondering if my need to “go deep” (to use some Christianese) with everyone I come in contact with is more a result of the Christian culture I live in than in the Media’s lies. (My humble opinion: the “Media” gets blamed for every cultural failure we know of…at least in every freshman Writing 105 paper I graded when I taught college writing. What do we even mean when we say it’s the Media’s fault?)

How often do I automatically consider intimate connections when I think of having significant relationships in the church or in life? I know that I’m leery of building relationships here in San Francisco because I feel like a failure at keeping up with the friends I already have in the other places I’ve lived. To be a friend to more means to fail more. It means more emails I won’t reply to for months. It means more people eventually giving up on a phone relationship with me because I’m a phoneophobe (is that a word?).

I love people and I believe in meaningful relationships, but is it possible that I don’t know how to simply love and care for those around me without building relationships of depth that I can’t fully commit to? And is that a selfish thing to be thinking about? Are Homan and Pratt getting at something that makes me nervous because I feel like it’s wrong to build a relationship that is not a complete commitment of myself?

To quote Homan and Pratt: “Discretion requires you to respect someone without trying to be their best friend. Hospitality is not a call to unquestioning intimacy with the whole world…Hospitality is a call to revere what is sacred in every person ever born” (139).

I’d really like to know what you think about this. In order for us to truly be people who are open to the needs of others, we have to be willing to meet the surface level needs of those around us, without forcing depth. What is your response to these definitions of “companionship and intimacy”? Do you find yourself pursuing both kinds of relationships or only those of depth? And where do you think these definitions fit in the larger discussion of hospitality?

Uncategorized

benedict

hospitality

Previous Post

April 28, 2010

Hello Robert Frost

Next Post

May 3, 2010 Mah Aysay!

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category A Deeper Church Beautiful Beautiful and Broken Books Broken Deeper Story Family and the Christian Year Family Life Found Friends Guest Post Invitation Motherhood My Chalkboard One Good Phrase Pinterest Place and Stability Poetry Practicing Benedict Thankful Tuesday The Daily The Mama Monk the Praying Life The Pursuit of Enough This Sacred Everyday Uncategorized Vlog Women and the Church World Vision

Select a Month March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does the Bible say about pride?

Select your answer to see how you score.

It always wins It is harmless It is a virtue It goes before a fall