Carnival

Last updated on: August 31, 2016 at 1:30 pm by Abra Carnahan

Carnival 2016-08-31T13:30:27-07:00 Abra Carnahan

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I’m alive. Really. I am. The last month has been a veritable circus. We actually went to our county fair for some family fun, which I think was an amusing metaphor. Chaos isn’t always bad. August was a rough month, good and bad stuff. Medication changes are a rollercoaster I hate to ride, but I’m doing it anyway.

My thoughts are pretty muddled so if you can’t figure out what I’m saying, rest assured that you are in the majority group. Last week, I signed my maiden name on a credit transaction, gave my phone number from the place I lived in during elementary school, gave the wrong zip code, ran a stop sign and bought 4 gallons of milk over a two day period because I could have sworn we were out! I’m getting a bit better at making earrings during my sleepless nights, and I’m catching up on good tv and doing a lot of productive research from my laptop. I’m relearning to make simple meals and not feel guilty about Little Cesar’s pizza. The kids and I are also brushing up on our manic speed cleaning skills right before Ben’s gets home from work. 😉

While getting up and out is a challenge right now, we are actually ready (I think) for school to start on the 12th, and maybe, just maybe, life will slow down then? For now, I’m just calling what I’m doing a lazy summer (and by lazy, I mean figuring out how to deal with black mold in the bathroom, which pieces of furniture to sell and keep working at numerous forced hobbies for my mental health all from a chair or bed or floor). I’m working overtime going on local friend hunts….which is considerably harder when you can’t finish a sentence or remember what the heck you were saying. I was trying to explain to a gal at church that Ben and I like to go camping together and play RPGs (Pathfinder right now), only I couldn’t remember “RPG” so after searching for the word a bit, I settled on simply “role playing”. My audience took it in stride. My pastor’s wife didn’t have any response to that, but the other lady tried to understand, “like the romantic dice?”. We had a nice laugh over it (mine was a mortified, nervous laughter, but whatever). They were so gracious.

What I mean to say is that I’m doing alright. It’s a tough road, but we are moving forward. I’m not ok, but it is alright. I am finding joy when I can’t find peace. I’m reminded to be suspicious of my mood swings and perceptions. Me, unmedicated, has a lot of awful lies floating around in her head. It is easy to believe once the doubt is in place. I am still seeking the truth. I haven’t given up. God is good. I know it into my bones. Not being able to feel it is a reflection on me, not on Christ. So I pray that He will give me the ability to feel the truth, eyes to see it, and that we’d both have patience as I navigate this funhouse.

On the Spinning Spider with my girls

On the Spinning Spider with my girls.

This week I am trying to learn how to make my own honey lip balm (vanilla lavender with a hint of lemon, anyone?). I think it will be a good outlet for me and useful since I’m always losing my Burt’s Bees. I’m praying it works, I feel like a failure a lot these days. Your prayers are always coveted. I stray into praying that God would give me a normal life again, but I know that isn’t what He wants for me right now. He has me here, a32-year-old mama with PTSD and severe depression, I have a good husband of 12 years and 4 delightful children to keep me equally humble and proud of them. I love our crazy little fixer-upper home, my tiny dog, and the runny eggs my daughter made me this morning with fresh herbs from the garden, too much milk and wait-is-that-sugar-i’m-tasting? Life is good. God is good. I am doing alright, but I am cherished, loved, and safe in my Father’s arms.

My Life So Far

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