A reader struggles with an alienated niece

Last updated on: December 23, 2015 at 12:27 am by Mark Shea

A reader struggles with an alienated niece 2015-12-16T22:30:26-07:00 Mark Shea

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He writes:

We really respect your knowledge and level headedness of the faith and have a concern to share with you about church teaching on marriage. My wife and I have taught Theology of the Body for four years and have a good understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Our niece, who was raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools and graduated from a Catholic university, was married in June of 2014. She wanted her wedding to be and outdoor affair, and when the Church declined, she promptly found a Lutheran pastor that would perform the ceremony at the fancy outdoor venue which she wanted. My wife and I, on the advice of our Canon lawyer priest, said we could not attend as the marriage would be invalid. All hell broke loose and they have not spoken with us since. Of course all of the “normal” Catholics were there in full attendance including my wife’s parents and siblings and we were just vilified for not going along.
My question is why does the Church not speak more clearly on this issue? This have the wedding “my way” attitude is a huge problem in the Church and it leaves faithful Catholics scratching their heads as what to do? Where do you draw the line? Some priests say go and support them even if you disagree and others say you have to be witnesses to Jesus Christ and the integrity of his Sacrament. Any advice??
Blessings to you!

My own inclination would be to go to the wedding and maintain the relationship in hope of drawing them back to the faith at a later time. The proof is in the pudding. Family explosions like this are immensely painful, take a long time to heal, and are usually incomprehensible to the person we hope to correct. Your niece appear not to have absorbed much of the Church’s theology and instead has all the earmarks of a cradle Catholic who relates to the Faith, not as a body of doctrine to be assented to (a classic convert or revert approach), but primarily as family. Consequently, she was not receiving on the wavelength you were broadcasting on. All she seems to have grasped was that her wedding mattered less than some incomprehensible rules and regulations. For more on this disconnect, see my piece on Cradles and Converts.

There is still hope, but the relationship needs to be repaired. I’d go talk to a priest about it (somebody with a reputation for pastoral skill) and see what he would advise. Typically, such things will require that you be the bigger man and bow first, even though you are (theologically speaking) in the right. If they can’t hear or see your point, it doesn’t matter how right you are, they can’t hear or see it. So bow first, concede what can be conceded in truth (“I love you and had no intention of trying to hurt you and I’m sorry I did. Would you and your husband do me the honor of coming to dinner and sharing your new life with us?”) Love can cover a multitude of family explosions and start the healing process.

That’s my worthless 2 cents. But talk to a spiritual director.

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