Facebook is being glitchy today. Here’s why:

Last updated on: September 24, 2015 at 10:54 am by Mark Shea

Facebook is being glitchy today. Here’s why: 2015-09-24T10:54:34-07:00 Mark Shea

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Facebook is very upset because the pope didn’t use the word “abortion” when he was talking about protecting human life at every stage of development. Now nobody knows what the Church teaches about abortion anymore.

FB is also mad because the pope said “peace and justice” which are dirty words that only liberals use.

FB says the pope was a huge disappointment in calling for the abolition of the death penalty as his predecessors have done, because what on earth does being “prolife” have to do with not wanting to slaughter as many prisoners in vengeance as possible? Being prolife only means wanting to protect innocent human life, not having mercy on the guilty. Next he’ll be saying that Jesus underwent capital punishment on behalf of his murderers. That makes FB very upset. Jesus died for good Christians, not riff raff.

Also, FB is ticked that Francis did not call for an attack on Iran, or urge America to build walls on our borders, and he doesn’t genuflect to the satisfaction of FB either, because sciatica is no excuse for not measuring up to FB’s rigorous demands for sufficient demonstrations of personal piety.

In addition, FB says, “Speak English and cut the crap about Laudato Si and the theology of creation. Let’s hear more about the sufferings of job creators in the One Percent. Theirs is the true Via Crucis. Enough with the living wage garbage. The poor are lazy.”

FB is unhappy that the Pope only mentioned one Republican hero in American history, but that he mentioned three libs, one of whom, Dorothy Day, was practically a Commie.

FB doesn’t like the implicit attack on our sacred second amendment that always goes with the mention of Martin Luther King, Jr. And FB says racism is so *over*. Who needs to hear about Selma again?

Furthermore, FB is furious that in exalting the family, the pope did not take time to attack homosexuals for destroying the family, nor to exalt such champions of the family as the wide variety of conservative pro-family figures with their multiplicity of spouses.

FB is extremely displeased that in closing, he said “God Bless America” instead of making the Sign of the Cross. Now nobody knows if Catholics are Trinitarians anymore. Likewise, FB is upset with the pope for only mentioning Moses, citing the teaching of Jesus’ Golden Rule, and valorizing Christian models, but failing to mention the Name of Jesus in an address to Congress that is basically a summary of natural law teaching on the common good and the obligations of the state in maintaining it. His failure to turn his address into a homily means that the author of Evangelii Gaudium obviously had no interest in evangelization and now nobody knows if the Catholic Church believes in Jesus anymore.

On the whole, FB is very very displeased with the Pope for not living up to FB’s extremely rigorous standards. Its towering humility is mightily offended and FB needs to go lay down and wonder if the Pope is truly worthy of such an awesome saint as itself. FB is reluctantly concluding that, since Jesus no longer seems up to the job of saving the Church (or he would not have given us such a pope), FB is going to have do it.

And that’s why FB is glitchy today.

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