Victory is a Dish Best Seasoned with the Premature Gloating of Foes

Last updated on: January 19, 2015 at 12:13 am by Mark Shea

Victory is a Dish Best Seasoned with the Premature Gloating of Foes 2015-01-19T00:13:33-07:00 Mark Shea

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They can’t say they weren’t warned. I sent out to the slavering mob of Packers fans the following pre-game warning yesterday:

Huge wind storm here in Seattle. I can only assume it is the Holy Spirit conferring his blessing on the world-conquering Seattle Seahawks. All nature is verily ordered, ranked and ranged to bestow upon our mighty team her glories, benisons, and benedictions. Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow! You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout Till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks! You sulphurous and thought-executing fires, Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts!

And yet, like a veritable Cassandra, all my cautions went unheeded and a mob of cheeseheads freely chose to be the authors of their own humiliation in a stark illustration of the futility of mocking a true prophet.

Behold! A reading from the Book of Face, recording in real time the crushing of the hopes and dreams of those who dare mock the globe-bestriding colossi who are the now-Super-Bowl-bound Seattle Seahawks:

Sean P. Dailey

9 hrs · Springfield, IL ·

Here’s a bucket, Mark, for your tears. Let me know if you need another one.

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Damien Fisher, Frank Weathers, Torquemada Tequila and 7 others like this.
Timothy Jones To knock loose the balls of your enemies, to see them punt before you, to hear the lamentations of their fans.

9 hrs · Like · 5
Torquemada Tequila Onward, Green Bay Packers, march to Superbowl,
With the head of cheddar going on before.
Behold the golden helmet, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle see Aaron Rogers throw!

Refrain

Onward, Green Bay Packers, march to Superbowl,
With the head of cheddar going on before.

At the sign of triumph Satan’s seahawks flee;
On then, Green Bay Packers, on to victory!
Seattle’s coffeehouses quiver at the smell of cheese;
Brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems please.

9 hrs · Like · 4
Sean P. Dailey 13-0 Green Bay, still first quarter. Keep those tears coming, Mark. They’ll make a nice ingredient to my buffalo wing sauce. Need another bucket?

9 hrs · Like · 3
Torquemada Tequila 13-0 with biased officiating and Green Bay playing a bit sluggish at the start. Both those opening field goals ought to have been touchdowns.

9 hrs · Edited · Like · 1
Sean P. Dailey Yeah, it should be 21-0.

9 hrs · Like · 1
Timothy Jones Yeah. Whole lot of kicking going on.

9 hrs · Like
Torquemada Tequila That, and I’ve seen more turnovers from Seattle than out of the local French bakery.

8 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Ach! I had just started to say, “Oh it’s raining. That will make the ball sli- “, when Rodgers tossed the pick.

8 hrs · Like · 1
Sean P. Dailey Mark:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=758657967516472

00:45

249,981 Views

Key & Peele

Dante Pibb and Bertram Skilling are back with their picks for today’s NFC championship game between the Green Bay Packers and the Seattle Seahawks. The Key & Peele Super Bowl Special premieres January 30 at 10/9c on Comedy Central. ‪#‎GBvsSEA‬

8 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Oh, it’s TRICKSY, Preciousss!!

8 hrs · Like · 1
Sean P. Dailey Seattle decides to show up!

8 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Great defense, but… one touchdown? Coffee is for closers!!!

7 hrs · Like · 1
Sean P. Dailey Now it’s two touchdowns.

7 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Uh, yeah.

7 hrs · Like
Sean P. Dailey And a turnover. Shit.

7 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Oh, the humiliation.

7 hrs · Like
Sean P. Dailey Mark‘s tears just evaporated.

7 hrs · Like
Timothy Jones Holy cow… and I’m off to Mass.

6 hrs · Like · 1
Sean P. Dailey And the kick is good!

6 hrs · Like
Brian Lester I picked the right game to start watching in the 4th qtr.

6 hrs · Like · 2
Mark Shea www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXCGnTy-v2M

James Brown I feel good

Created using the One True Media YouTube App – Simply powerful video creation and editing. Create for free.

YOUTUBE.COM

6 hrs · Like · 2 · Remove Preview
Mark Shea “And far away, as Frodo put on the Ring and claimed it for his own, even in Sammath Naur the very heart of his realm, the Power in Barad-dur was shaken, and the Tower trembled from its foundations to its proud and bitter crown. The Dark Lord was suddenly aware of him, and his Eye piercing all shadows looked across the plain to the door that he had made; and the magnitude of his own folly was revealed to him in a blinding flash, and all the devices of his enemies were at last laid bare.”

6 hrs · Like · 6
Mark Shea Sean….. You were…. saying? Do go on, won’t you?

6 hrs · Like · 4
Sean P. Dailey You are a neo-football fan, Mark. And a godless liberal too.

6 hrs · Like · 4
Stacie Wick There should be a joke in here about salt from evaporated tears raising blood pressure, or something.

5 hrs · Like · 1
Timothy Jones https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6tJQ05YJ58

bitter dregs

Mr. Spock sings to two lovely ladies, quite against his will.

YOUTUBE.COM

5 hrs · Like
Mark Shea I never imagined the tears of a foe could taste so *sweet*, Sean. So, so *delicious*. I know not this salt or bitterness you speak of. Dear friends! *Sweet* friends! I shall drink a Starbuck’s double tall cappucino lightly seasoned with your blood, sweat, and tears, enjoying the savor of the sheer futility of all your effort and, above all, all your gloating–your sweet, scrumptious, premature gloating.

4 hrs · Like · 8

I think the lesson we can all draw from this tragic, yet side-splittingly hilarious episode is the importance of humility: humility such as a true Seattleite like myself. Faced with a team of world-historical greatness like the Seahawks, puny insignificant people like the wretched fools above should not think above their station, nor gloat over their betters. We in Seattle try very hard to practice noblesse oblige–to stoop down and render kindnesses to the feeble. So we naturally played out the line and let the fish run for three quarters. It was only meet and right to do so, just as the hunter salutes his prey before administering the coup de grace. It is not sporting to shoot the hart seconds after the hunt begins. We are not without feeling, you know. So we allowed the Packers three final quarters in which they could taste hope before dashing the cup from their parched lips. For, of course, the time comes when one must get down to business and end the futile hope with a swift snap to the neck, so that the sacrificial victim does not suffer unduly.

Sean, Tim, Torq, Damien, sundry other losers: The key thing to take away are these crucial twin lessons:

1. You tried your level best and failed. Moral: Don’t try.

2. Our team trod down your wretched pack of failures like mire underfoot, because we are immeasurably superior. It is not pride to say this, but humility. For humility is simply the clear-eyed vision of one’s proper place in the world. The proper place of the Seattle Seahawks is with our golden cleats on the necks of your grossly inferior team. It speech false as dicer’s oaths to deny this plain truth.

In conclusion, let me just say that with malice toward none, with charity for all, let us finish the great work we are in: to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who has borne the battle, and for his loser fans, and their loser children, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting victory for our Seahawks over all failures and losers.

And so, on to the Super Bowl! A place we are now very familiar with since WE WON THE SUPER BOWL LAST YEAR AND WILL AGAIN BE TRIUMPHANT!

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